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Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor26 Jan 2017, 5:39 pm AEDT

Am Not Coping

I am really not coping at the moment but this is entirely on ME!

This is a message for a few people on here @utopia @Former-Member @Faith-and-Hope @Former-Member

that I asked could be passed on but it seems that only part of it has been and I understand from the responses that have made it through my emails that I have caused untold distress for some people. I was not going to return because of what I felt I put people through but I especially wanted @utopia and @Former-Member to know that they were not wrong at the time and I was going through a real crisis period. You both held me together for longer than I could myself until the point where my own self-destructive thoughts overwhelmed me.

The entire message that I sent to SANE is below:

I have just viewed the multitude of emails and messages sent from forum members and members of the SANE team – as well as the text and voice message left on my phone.

I have not been able to communicate with anyone since the other night as I have been recovering from what ended up being an unsuccessful attempt to end the pain.

At the time I was in a very distressed state and I did want to stop the pain and all I seemed to achieve is to cause others pain and worry and that is the last thing I wanted to do – I just wanted to end mine and say goodbye to everyone beforehand so my future absence was explained. I should have realised that the message I posted would have concerned some people but I really was not in any state to think about the repercussions for others.

I am so sorry I caused so much distress to others – that is something I will have to hopefully try and live with.

I don’t believe after the concern and anxiety I caused to so many that I will ever be able to return to the forum.

Can someone from the SANE team please explain all this to all those involved and pass on my gratitude for their compassion, concerns and kind words throughout the time I have been part of the ‘forum family’.

Thank you and sorry again for the difficult position I put everyone in.

Zoe7

I do not want any responses from any of you. I just wanted to let you know exactly what has happened and let you know how truly sorry I am for hurting people I have come to think of as friends and family, and who I really care about.

Your support, advice and compassion are what make you all the wonderful people you are.

@utopia and @Former-Member I am so sorry that the trust you placed in me has now been broken because of my actions. I also felt that we had a stronger connection, especially over the last week, and you both helped me in ways I cannot even describe or explain. I was not pulling away from you two - just wanted to pull away from myself. I couldn't cope with my own feelings and no-one or nothing was actually going to be able to stop me at the time. It's now just another failure to add to my list of failures. I really don't know what else to say to you both but to reiterate my heartfelt 'sorry'.

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In response to: Am Not Coping

Unknown userMember05 Feb 2017, 11:07 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

That's was really powerful @utopia. I don't think I've had a chance to tell you either but I'm really sorry that you were put through this. Neither of you deserve it. It is not fair and I do believe both people went running scared. Nothing to do with you, just them letting fear take over. But you are both strong amazing women and are amazing support for each other. 💜💜💜

In response to: Am Not Coping

utopiaSenior Contributor05 Feb 2017, 11:13 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

@Zoe7. Do you know what I think?
Our negative self talk said - we will never love again. We will never trust someone again. Well guess what? We did.
And that shows me that I am capable of love. That shows me that I'm not so damaged. That I still have an ability to give and receive love.
What we need to do now - is to put all that love and trust and vulnerability - and to give it to ourselves. Love ourselves. Be vulnerable enough to trust that we can do it and yhat we will be alright.
We need to give that love to our injured child, hurt teenager, wounded adult soul.
We need to accept our own love.
And we start by following @Faith-and-Hope and @Former-Member.
We distract ourselves. We go to bed or lie on the couch. We cuddle our 'fur babies'. We breathe in ..... we breathe out.
And we get through this minute by minute. Hour by hour. Day by day. And we start healing. We have better days. We learn techniques that help us. We grow.
But tonight - we breathe..... just breathe

In response to: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor05 Feb 2017, 11:21 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

@utopia @Faith-and-Hope @Former-Member

It took me so, so long to even think about letting anyone in to my life and was so surprised that I also let them into my heart. Never had a friendship so close before and now I really feel like I have lost part of me also - the small part that I was beginning to like.

I wanted to believe that the constant withdrawal was from fear but when they keep coming back and then pulling away again and again - it is too much. I wanted (and still want) to have ny arms open for them - to believe in them - but how much is enough! Maybe this time it is enough. I really don't want it to be but I don't have a choice here either way. I really don't want to believe in this person - but I do. Maybe that really does make me a fool!

Either way - I will NEVER do this again. I'm not just saying this because of the situation now. I'm saying this because I cannot ever feel this hurt or let-down again. It has nearly destroyed me this time - and yet my feelings for her haven't faltered, even now - but I also think this will end me. I do not have anything left. It is not just me being in this moment and not seeing the light - this is me with my mind wide open looking to the future - and there is none.I've said it somany times before - I have just 'existed' for the majority of my life - void of feelings to get through each day and not allowing anyone to get close for the fear of being hurt again. I was starting to think about actually living - now I can't even exist without hurting.

In response to: Am Not Coping

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor05 Feb 2017, 11:24 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

It will pass @Zoe7 ..... it will pass .....

❤️💕🌷

In response to: Am Not Coping

utopiaSenior Contributor05 Feb 2017, 11:26 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

Thank you @Former-Member. I agree with you. My old friend - ran. Nothing I did. Purely on him. Of course I still have that negative self talk going on. But I'm managing to shut it down.
Thank god for the therapy my psychologist gave me last year. Because without it - I think these negative self talk could easily take over & I'd believe it. But I worked bloody hard last year to learn new techniques. And for the most part - they work.
I just would love @Zoe7 to follow that same path. She can learn these techniques too. And they will help her in the near future.
For now - she just needs to breathe and take things easy. Everything else can wait for another day.
The friends we love - still deserve the love we gave them. We loved them because they were special to us. But when they hurt us - we no longed have to be there with them. We can wish them well. But remove ourselves from their toxicity. Because ultimately, we are more important and more deserving of love.

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Unknown userMember05 Feb 2017, 11:30 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

@Zoe7

Im just curious. Did your friend experience worry or fear of abandonment? There are a few things you've said and I've wondered if they had BPD or traits of it.

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor05 Feb 2017, 11:32 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

@Former-Member I didn't think so but now I am wondering the same myself!

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor05 Feb 2017, 11:39 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

@utopia you need to sleep before work tomorrow my friend xxx

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Unknown userMember05 Feb 2017, 11:39 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

@Zoe7 I'm not sure if you know but one of the things with BPD is called pull you - push you (I think). Basically in relationships it's common, especially in new ones, to pull you close then push you away when it feels too close. It can cycle a lot. Often then when it is too close the push you (read fear of abandonment) strikes too hard and you push the person away for good. It's not a conscious thing I don't think. Even on here I do it sometimes without thinking. It's almost impossible for the person on the receiving end to know what's happening or what to do. It is very confusing.

In response to: Am Not Coping

utopiaSenior Contributor05 Feb 2017, 11:42 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

@Zoe7. You don't have to love anyone. You don't have to be vulnerable for anyone. All you need to do is love yourself. Love yourself enough to get through tonight. Love yourself enough to take the help offered by your gp and psychologist.
Loving ourselves is the most important thing we can do. It is our gift to ourselves. It should be taught in schools.
And you haven't just been existing all this time. You have taught and inspired many children. You have allowed people to see yiur art - your expression. You have been mum to Toby and Cat. There is no other human alive right now - who is more important to them, than you.
So tonight - we oush away thoughts of our special friends. And we push the pain to the side for a while. And we simply breathe ... and we lean on each others shoulders ... and know that we have the support of @Former-Member & @Faith-and-Hope. And we just breathe....
you are safe ... you are in your house ... you have Toby & Cat ... your couch is comfortable to lie on ... pull a blanket over your shoulders ... and close your eyes for a while .... don't think about sleep ... don't think about anything ... all you need to do is breathe in ....and breathe out ... simply focus on breathing .... niyhing else to gthink about .... just breathing .... I'm besides you ... holding your hand ... simply breathing .... nothing else .... not worrying about anything ..... just breathing in .... and breathing out .... being soothed by the breath.
Breathing in ....

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