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Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor26 Jan 2017, 5:39 pm AEDT

Am Not Coping

I am really not coping at the moment but this is entirely on ME!

This is a message for a few people on here @utopia @Former-Member @Faith-and-Hope @Former-Member

that I asked could be passed on but it seems that only part of it has been and I understand from the responses that have made it through my emails that I have caused untold distress for some people. I was not going to return because of what I felt I put people through but I especially wanted @utopia and @Former-Member to know that they were not wrong at the time and I was going through a real crisis period. You both held me together for longer than I could myself until the point where my own self-destructive thoughts overwhelmed me.

The entire message that I sent to SANE is below:

I have just viewed the multitude of emails and messages sent from forum members and members of the SANE team – as well as the text and voice message left on my phone.

I have not been able to communicate with anyone since the other night as I have been recovering from what ended up being an unsuccessful attempt to end the pain.

At the time I was in a very distressed state and I did want to stop the pain and all I seemed to achieve is to cause others pain and worry and that is the last thing I wanted to do – I just wanted to end mine and say goodbye to everyone beforehand so my future absence was explained. I should have realised that the message I posted would have concerned some people but I really was not in any state to think about the repercussions for others.

I am so sorry I caused so much distress to others – that is something I will have to hopefully try and live with.

I don’t believe after the concern and anxiety I caused to so many that I will ever be able to return to the forum.

Can someone from the SANE team please explain all this to all those involved and pass on my gratitude for their compassion, concerns and kind words throughout the time I have been part of the ‘forum family’.

Thank you and sorry again for the difficult position I put everyone in.

Zoe7

I do not want any responses from any of you. I just wanted to let you know exactly what has happened and let you know how truly sorry I am for hurting people I have come to think of as friends and family, and who I really care about.

Your support, advice and compassion are what make you all the wonderful people you are.

@utopia and @Former-Member I am so sorry that the trust you placed in me has now been broken because of my actions. I also felt that we had a stronger connection, especially over the last week, and you both helped me in ways I cannot even describe or explain. I was not pulling away from you two - just wanted to pull away from myself. I couldn't cope with my own feelings and no-one or nothing was actually going to be able to stop me at the time. It's now just another failure to add to my list of failures. I really don't know what else to say to you both but to reiterate my heartfelt 'sorry'.

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In response to: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor05 Feb 2017, 10:14 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

@utopia I've had some meds so don't know how long I'll be here for. I'll keep talking as long as I can. I really just want this all to stop. I really don't understand why I keep getting hurt so much. Maybe I attract really broken people and want to be able to help them but it just isn't possible. I should have stayed on my own and not have got involved - not cared - not wanted to so desperately to believe in them. and that they felt the same. I was deluding myself. Now I just feel even more like a failure. Even through all the hurt and pain I still wanted to believe the best - now I just want to forget.

In response to: Am Not Coping

utopiaSenior Contributor05 Feb 2017, 10:26 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

@Zoe7. Are you talking about your normal meds? No other meds?
And are we talking about your special friend? I know how much that hurts. I really do.
Had a friend pop around and ask about my old friend today. So I had to say it all over again. And I'd been doing well in trying not to think about him. So that pain just hit again. Straight in my heart. Straight in my gut.
But I'm dealing with it again. And I'm coping again. You will too

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Unknown userMember05 Feb 2017, 10:35 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

Hey @Zoe7

wondering if you can try something just for now. Can you write here 5 things you can see (none identifying). It might sound dumb but it's helped me before when someone has made me do it online. Just to help ground you for a bit.

In response to: Am Not Coping

utopiaSenior Contributor05 Feb 2017, 10:42 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

@Zoe7. Could you just let me know what meds you have taken.
Are they just one days meds from your gp? Or have you also taken others?

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor05 Feb 2017, 10:42 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

@utopia Normal meds - and a few painkillers for my headache.

I'm sorry about your friend and having to go over it again. That is why I didn't want to talk about it - I didn't want to trigger anything for you

I don't know how to deal with this! This should be nothing compared to other things I've been through but it has really hurt me. Maybe it's because I trusted them even though I don't trust anyone, maybe it's because I cared more about them than myself and kept wanting to be able to support them when I was not going so well myself or maybe it was because I felt genuine love for them despite not wanting to be so vulnerable and scared. And now I just feel like a fool and that none of it was real or reciprocated. How do I get past that. How can I live with them seeing me the way they do and not think that I really am not the person I am. I don't understand that. I know people only see what they want to see at times but I really didn't think they were like that and I still want to believe they aren't and they are ok. Does that make me an idiot for still wanting only the best for them!

In response to: Am Not Coping

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor05 Feb 2017, 10:43 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

Here with you @Zoe7 ..... ❤️💕

In response to: Am Not Coping

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor05 Feb 2017, 10:45 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

RWhat have you taken Hon .... sleeping meds ?

@Zoe7

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Unknown userMember05 Feb 2017, 10:54 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

Forget my last request @Zoe7.

I think you are courageous for letting someone in after being so hurt. It's not dumb it's brave. I couldn't do it now. And now you have been wounded and still love. For me that is admirable. I still love the one who wounded me too. I want to not love them but I can't help it. I have to bring myself back lots from those thoughts even now. I don't see it as dumb but just as part of me. Time won't heal it but it will ease it a bit. I hated that saying but it is true.

In response to: Am Not Coping

utopiaSenior Contributor05 Feb 2017, 10:57 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

That doesn't make you a fool @Zoe7. It makes you human.
I know exactly what you mean. I've gone over these thoughts myself. Today, yesterday, theday bbefore.
But there is no answer. Uf they choose not to give one. We don't get one. That's hard.
I'm beyond frustrated with my old friend. I really want the chance to argue with him. Don't just disappear and not let me have a say. That's bloody unfair. Be a f***ing man. Argue your point with me. Let me say my piece.
But I can't. You can't. Neither of them have been descent enough to let us. They may be good people. But they haven't acted with compassion or with us in mind. They have run scared. That is their reality. That is their story. Our story is to push through and cope with this the best way we can. Together. With support from others. By asking fir help and feedback from our health care providers.
So tonight, we cry. We cuddle our dogs. We support each other. We distract ourselves. We push thoughts of them aside. We breathe. We relax. We sleep.
We DO NOT let them have anymore power over us.
WE choose to not give them any power. And we do this by pushing them from our mind. We do this by living our lives - as we are meant to.
And we nurture ourselves. We give self love. And we accept love and help from others.

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor05 Feb 2017, 10:59 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

If I can answer that one @Zoe7 .... not at all ....

I have had that happen to me, more than once in my life, and it does send you spinning out for a while .... all the self-doubt, what if's and so on go on replay ....

That is why it is so important to distract with other things .... breathe ,... work with your psychologist and psychiatrist to work out coping strategies and medications .... it breaks the emotional pain cycle that has taken hold.

You have been breaking out of that @Zoe7 .... and something has triggered it again .... frightening you and lying to yo that it will always be like this when it won't .... ❣

Trust the voice of the people who have come through it @Zoe7 .... put it down, rest, breathe ... and you will start moving out of that pain vortex again ....

This will heal .... just rest .... float .... don't even try to swim yet .... we've got you .... just rest and breathe ....

The panic will pass .....

💗💕🌷

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