Am Not Coping

Oh, @Zoe7, I'm so sorry you feel that way. I understand your thinking and respect your right to choose. Pain can be a terrible thing. No more words from me can change that except maybe to give you a space to express it and be heard.

That is actually refreshing to hear @Mazarita We 'attempt' to tell each other that 'things will get better' or that 'there is hope' or 'that we will get through this' but that is not always the case. Sometimes it isn't about hearing the 'positive' things people have to say - it is about knowing that people are actually hearing what you have to say. I am not going to pretend that I don't feel like this when that is all I have felt for months - even years - and on and off for huge periods of time throughout my whole life. The meds may stabilise my moods but they don't change my thoughts.

I know what you mean, @Zoe7. I also have many of the same thoughts I had in darker days, though I seem to be able to emotionally process them better than I used to somehow. Meds have made a world of difference to my life. But there is still a part of me that seems to be grieving for something I don't even properly understand. Clearly there are sunnier sides to me too, as there are with you. Your humour seems to be a strength sometimes.

There are definitely times or days that have some good times or happiness in them. It does come down to weighing up 'are those times enough'? And when I ask myself that question - the answer is nearly always NO! Inevitably the day ends in darkness - either literally or figuratively - and either one has it's own pain associated with it. The fear every night that I will not wake up is from experience not because of anything I have done myself. That is so hard to cope with every day of my life.

There are so many things that I can do and are good at - and I could do almost anything I set out to achieve - but that is just 'surface stuff' - not what is inside of me @Mazarita

It's awful that you go through that every day, @Zoe7. I can see how hard that would be. You sound very clear-headed about things though, and it's great that you recognise the moments of happiness and the good times. A lot of what I have thought about over time is acceptance.

@Mazarita We can accept that 'things' are in the past but it doesn't change how we feel now. That is what is so hard to explain to most people - just because what has happened is in the past it doesn't change how that has shaped my thoughts and feelings now. Even someone saying that I am 'safe' now - I don't feel safe - and if I don't feel safe then am I really safe! That really isn't a question more a statement of fact. No-one can make me feel safe when I never do feel that within myself.

All the psych sessions have done is bring more out that I tried to hide away and cope with that way. I knew it was always there but did try to lock it away in order to 'cope'. Now it is sitting right in front of me and all around me - and it can't be locked back away. I do wish I hadn't started unlocking any of it because I was 'getting by' just existing in the world. Now I can't even see a way to do that as there is just too much pain - and everytime we try to delve into any of it with theintention of moving through it - I am re-traumatised even greater (if that is possible) again and again. It was getting so bad that my GP stopped the sessions on my behalf because of how concerned she was for what it may lead to.

@Zoe7, I don't see a psychologist and feel I have had minimal help from that kind of counselling, though I know some others have marvellous outcomes. I too delved into very deep waters inside myself with past trauma for a long time and found it got me into deeply depressed states. Personally I think packing it away can be helpful, in the same way I have my marriage photos packed away in a box since my divorce 20 years ago. I've looked at some of them maybe once or twice when I've moved flat. But perhaps I shouldn't be saying this in relation to your therapy. Sounds like you have a good relation with your GP.

No @Mazarita say away!!! One of the first things my psychologist ever said after knowing some of what we were 'dealing with' was that she didn't think we could go as 'deep' into things as she would like to. I certainly agree with that now even more than I did then. I can't see - for myself anyway - how repeated exposure to reliving all that trauma is in any way beneficial for me. All it does is set me on a very big downward spiral that literally lasts for days and then I would have my next session and I would go down even further. This is when my GP said - it's too much - and stopped it for me.

I see my GP every second day (it used to be every day) so she has been riding this rollercoaster with me for months. I not only value her support but also know that she knows me better than anyone in my life atm and can see more clearly what I sometimes can't even see.