Am Not Coping

Toby does love the beach. He jumps straight out of the car and runs along the path to the sand. He starts doind 'laps' around the car when we are getting close - he gets so excited!

There must be so much debris mixed in with the waterup there - chocolate milkshake is a really good description - makes me 'see' exactly what it would look like.

@Mazarita I like to go when there are not many people around - then Toby can play with a few dogs and I don't have to get anxious about crowds.

@Zoe7, quiet beaches are so lovely. The one near us is fairly quiet and there a good mix of different kinds of people there, all ages. And dogs, there's a dog beach too. The dogs are the best to watch because they are having so much unselfconscious fun. I don't like crowded beaches, or crowds in general. But I can go out and mingle with strangers at shopping centres etc. a lot easier than I did some years ago. My recovery journey since my last big breakdown has very much been about small steps accumulating to something bigger over time. May small steps to brighter days continue for both of us.

I'm struggling atm with seeing any sort of 'brighter' days. Most days I just want it to be over - not feeling sorry for myself or out of touch with 'reality' - consciously weighing up the options. I really can't see anything changing enough to live any kind of life that will bring me any sustained happiness - and that's being realistic based on my whole life so far. I am not saying that I am in any danger atm - it is just where I am at! @Mazarita

I hear what you are saying, @Zoe7. Safe but feeling a lack of hope for the future. Also that you maybe believe in people's right to choose about life or its alternative. I do too in a way but at the same time I see that life is long. My mother is the happiest she's ever been in her life at 81. Do you mind if I ask roughly what age you are now? No problems if you'd prefer not to say. In some ways it's great talking to you not knowing.

That is no problem @Mazarita I'm 46. I get how long life can be - that is one of my 'concerns' - another 40 or so years like this - that is not something I would wish on anyone!

Morning, @Former-Member

Morning @Former-Member

@Zoe7 I have hope for you that it won't take that long to find brighter days.

p.s. I'm 54 and, although the picture is far from perfect, I feel more content with life now than ever before. I had terrible times earlier on going back to childhood. My life has been a strange journey.

I don't hold out much hope at all anymore - I wish I did sometimes, then other times it is 'just the way it is' and I either get through it or make plans to leave it behind. I have had periods of both all throughout my life.

My 'journey' has been more of a nightmare - full of more downs than ups. Being 'strong' and 'getting through' can only last last long before there is no energy left to fight. That is about where I am at now.

I am so very tired of fighting through and trying to find that little bit of light in each day.

And I am just not willing to 'put up with' any more hurt or pain.

I am seeming to be very negative but it is infact the opposite - I know exactly where I am at and I shoulld have the choice whether I continue to 'suffer' or not - and that should be a choice accepted by others whether they know the reasons why or not @Mazarita - That might be selfish of me but maybe it is time FOR ME to be selfish and think of what I want and not do what everyone else wants.