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Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor26 Jan 2017, 5:39 pm AEDT

Am Not Coping

I am really not coping at the moment but this is entirely on ME!

This is a message for a few people on here @utopia @Former-Member @Faith-and-Hope @Former-Member

that I asked could be passed on but it seems that only part of it has been and I understand from the responses that have made it through my emails that I have caused untold distress for some people. I was not going to return because of what I felt I put people through but I especially wanted @utopia and @Former-Member to know that they were not wrong at the time and I was going through a real crisis period. You both held me together for longer than I could myself until the point where my own self-destructive thoughts overwhelmed me.

The entire message that I sent to SANE is below:

I have just viewed the multitude of emails and messages sent from forum members and members of the SANE team – as well as the text and voice message left on my phone.

I have not been able to communicate with anyone since the other night as I have been recovering from what ended up being an unsuccessful attempt to end the pain.

At the time I was in a very distressed state and I did want to stop the pain and all I seemed to achieve is to cause others pain and worry and that is the last thing I wanted to do – I just wanted to end mine and say goodbye to everyone beforehand so my future absence was explained. I should have realised that the message I posted would have concerned some people but I really was not in any state to think about the repercussions for others.

I am so sorry I caused so much distress to others – that is something I will have to hopefully try and live with.

I don’t believe after the concern and anxiety I caused to so many that I will ever be able to return to the forum.

Can someone from the SANE team please explain all this to all those involved and pass on my gratitude for their compassion, concerns and kind words throughout the time I have been part of the ‘forum family’.

Thank you and sorry again for the difficult position I put everyone in.

Zoe7

I do not want any responses from any of you. I just wanted to let you know exactly what has happened and let you know how truly sorry I am for hurting people I have come to think of as friends and family, and who I really care about.

Your support, advice and compassion are what make you all the wonderful people you are.

@utopia and @Former-Member I am so sorry that the trust you placed in me has now been broken because of my actions. I also felt that we had a stronger connection, especially over the last week, and you both helped me in ways I cannot even describe or explain. I was not pulling away from you two - just wanted to pull away from myself. I couldn't cope with my own feelings and no-one or nothing was actually going to be able to stop me at the time. It's now just another failure to add to my list of failures. I really don't know what else to say to you both but to reiterate my heartfelt 'sorry'.

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In response to: Am Not Coping

utopiaSenior Contributor05 Feb 2017, 2:07 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

@Decadian - older skin is harder to tattoo - but not impossible. You just need to find a tattoist experienced in different or older skin. Some tattoist won't touch it. But those with experience know how to do it properly.
What would you get - if you could?

In response to: Am Not Coping

utopiaSenior Contributor05 Feb 2017, 2:25 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

@Zoe7. I'm back from picking up my boy. Get to do it all again next weekend - as it's his little brothers 2nd birthday. So he has to go for that. I drove safely. Rain was only light - but road was still slippery. I just set the cruise control and don't worry.
You're not getting much sleep at the moment. And it really messes with your depression and negative self talk. That was my reality before Iwwent to hospital last year. It made it too hard to think. I definitely couldn't plan anything - even for a few hrs time. My brain was just so tired. But the lack of sleep really caused some awful suicidal images to come to my mind. They scared me so much - I rang and booked into the hospital of my choice. But it was such a struggle to keep myself safe for the 5 days I had to wait for a bed. That is a very scary time. I really understand that despair. I have been where you are now.
And although you can't see it now - or don't believe it will happen for you. It does get better. It does get easier. It takes work & that is painful at the time. But then - wow - you get a light bulb moment where things just make sense & you can really start moving forward then. That's when I stsrted to have more good moments. And then good days. Until I only have the odd bad moment or bad day now.
When I was at my worst - I didn't believe I could ever feel or get better. But I didn't want to die. I just didn't want to hurt anymore. I wanted that sleep.
But I thought I'd give it a go. See if hospital break could help me. I'm so thankful that I did. Thankful for me and my son.
And you have Toby and Cat to think about. They need their human. Not just any old person. They need you - who they trust and love.
So, if you can - judt lie on the couch. Let Toby snuggle up near you. Just pat his coat. And if you drift into sleep - that's good. Maybe it's not so scary to nap or sleep during the day. Even an extra hr sleep will help.
No need to post. Just do what you can today.And when you want to talk - iI'll be here. I'll kerp checking in.
♥♥

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Unknown userMember05 Feb 2017, 2:28 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

Hi @Zoe7

I just wanted to let you know that I have been and am still here with you too. I took a back seat because I know how overwhelming it can sometimes be when you have lots of people responding when you feel so low and it adds more pressure. I've also been fighting my own demons a lot lately. I wish I had a magic wand to help get you out of the dark place you are in. It is so hard for us to do so but the wave of darkness always ends at some point. I've recently discovered that sleep is hugely defining in when my wave of darkness ends. I know medication isnt the magic pill but I now take an antipsychotic that knocks me out for about 12 hours. Some days after I take it I wake up feeling human again and some days just a little better. It's just the quality of the sleep it gives me which helps. I'm pretty sure your GP would only give you a day or two at a time but it might be worth a try. Sleeping away the darkness is ok for now, it's just another coping strategy. I have done it before, sleeping up to 20 hours a day to survive. Because you have good support it would be ok for now. It's just a thought. Please don't feel the need to respond

I saw this and thought of you 💜🤗💐

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor05 Feb 2017, 4:05 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

@Former-Member I know you are always in the background but you need to look after yourself first. As you can expect I haven't been reading about anyone else lately - I do care - I just can't respond and that makes me feel terrible if I can't provide support for anyone else. I also wish there was a magic wand to help - for all of us! I'm already taking an antipsychotic - it really seemed like it was starting to help stabilise my mood but wasn't tired after taking it.The sleeping tablets sometimes give me up to 6 hours sleep but often I'm so wound up that they don't work at all. My GP is doing all she can but is running out of ideas re meds - that's why she is trying so hard to find a psychiatrist that can see me sooner than MAY. I can't keep going like this for that long - I just won't make it!

That image is pretty much how I have seen my whole life - and why I love butterflies - just can't see the coccoon opening at the moment - only see the darkness inside.

@Decadian I can't get any art supplies at the moment - I just don't have any money left. I need to take Toby to the vet - sure he has another grass seed in his foot - and I don't know how I am going to pay for it. The vet would let me pay it off but I don't know when I'm going to have any money coming in to even do that.

@utopia and @Faith-and-Hope (my two angels) Sent a message to my GP. Told her I wasn't coping but couldn't talk and just wanted to sleep. She told me to sleep if I needed to but to call or text if I needed to also.

I just don't understand why I have fallen so far back when I was doing so well about a month ago. I was actually thinking I could go back to work (at least part time). I know there has been a lot happening in the last few weeks but to fall so far and so quickly and to feel this bad - I don't understand why and that is really hard to deal with.

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor05 Feb 2017, 4:12 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

Hi everyone .... 😊💕

Sleep tally - 2hrs + 2hrs + 4hrs = 8hrs ......

S2 was snoring softly when I fell asleep again at 3am, and is stil sleeping. Reckon he's beyond the flu today, as is D2 .....

That leaves D3 still making her way through ..... and MIL still with a rebound cough.

Ah ... we're doing okay ❣

Good to see you re 'likes' @Zoe7 💕

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Unknown userMember05 Feb 2017, 4:21 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

I'm glad your GP is there for you @Zoe7. I'm sorry you haven't found a med to knock you out. I think a psychiatrist would help for that. I'm so sorry you can't get in sooner. It's pretty disgraceful really. Wow there is a lot of I'm sorrys there but I guess it just shows how hard it is right now for you. Minute by minute, hour by hour you'll get there. Just this week I was in the same place again. It doesn't take much for us to get knocked over but sometimes it doesn't take much for us to begin to get back up again either. This space your in now will get better. I can never see that when I'm in it too which is part of the reason I didn't respond earlier but once you're just climbing out of the darkness you see it clearer, then when you fall back into the darkness it disappears. Just remember that for now. It's not possible for you to see it when you are in the darkness but have faith that you'll climb out of it again. I think I dislike hearing this when I'm in it too but it's a bit like that broken record in that the more people tell you it a little bit sinks in and helps you hold on. You will find a way out and it will get better than this. Take care, sending lots of 'light' hugs to lighten your load. 💜🤗💐

In response to: Am Not Coping

utopiaSenior Contributor05 Feb 2017, 4:25 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

@Zoe7. I'm so sorry. But sometimes we may not know why we have taken a backwards step. Other times we may know - but not immediately - not during a crisis. So if you can - try not to think about or worry about the whys. Just tell yourself - it simply is.
During therapy - that's when you can look at the whys. That's when you can get your 'light bulb' moments. That's when you can work out stress preventative techniques or decent sleep techniques. For now, you just need to exist. Nothing more. Simply breathing and being with Toby and Cat, at home, where you are safe.
I know some artists, & my next suggestion would horrify them. Lol. But try and bare with me.
I know your art supplies are at school & today is not the day to worry about picking them up.I get that you ccan't purchase any new supplies at the moment. That's okay too. But you can grab a scrap piece of paper or an old used envelope & grab a greylead or pen and doodle and draw. I know - sacrilege. Don't I know art is meant to be taken seriously. You don't just doodle on the back of an envelope! !! I hear you @Zoe7. I told you my artist friends would be horrified!
But this is not about producing your finest work or about an art exhibition or anything like that. This is simply to give you something to do - where you don't need to worry about the outcome. It's to distract you & to force your mind to think of something else.
Don't even try to think about what you will draw or write. Just pick up the pencil & see what happens. Scrap pieces of paper are good for this anyway - because you don't waste your good supplies.
Have you managed to get a nap? Your gp's advice is good. I'm glad she's there for you too. Sometimes just knowing people care and are there for you, can help get you through the crisis.

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor05 Feb 2017, 4:33 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

@Zoe7

I might be wrong about this, but I believe that our psyche-side of our brain processes stuff around our consciousness, and quite a lot .... often in our sleep, but not just then .... signs of this are our dreams. Other signs are our thoughts and feelings over which we feel we have no real control ..... because they are being processed beyond our conscious mind as though a protective barrier has been raised, shielding us from the actual content, because it's too heavy for our emotional-brain to deal with .... 💜

Does this make sense ? 💕

If that is what is happening, it means your psyche-brain is doing some house-keeping at the moment and it's flicking up a lot of dust in the process, if you can think of it that way .... but it also means that it is trying to take the fastest, easiest road to clearing some of your internal pain debt without having to take it all past therapy and working with your conscious mind..... 🏠🚿

In effect, this is a form of depression, but it's a productive one .... like pushing through the pain involved in recovering from a dislocation .... it hurts to excercise, but painfully exercise you must in order to recover .....

That is why it is so important to distract yourself, and take the AD meds, and spend time with others as much as you are able to .... anything that takes the edge off the thoughts and feelings that are bubbling away as the pain debt is cleared a bit more ..... 💐

There is a morning after @Zoe7 ..... there will be a light in your cocoon .... and you will emerge with even mor beautiful colours in your wings .... you'll see ..... ❤️💕

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor05 Feb 2017, 4:39 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

Ahem .... and artists can so draw on the back of used envelopes .... and serviettes .... and sales dockets .... and even frame them if they want to .... ❣

Artists rock ..... 😊💕

In response to: Am Not Coping

utopiaSenior Contributor05 Feb 2017, 4:45 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

Ok @Faith-and-Hope. I hear you. Sounds like I hit a nerve. Lol.
Boy, your sleep pattern is all over the place at the moment f&h. Is it because of the cough? Or is it the worrying about WH?

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