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Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor26 Jan 2017, 5:39 pm AEDT

Am Not Coping

I am really not coping at the moment but this is entirely on ME!

This is a message for a few people on here @utopia @Former-Member @Faith-and-Hope @Former-Member

that I asked could be passed on but it seems that only part of it has been and I understand from the responses that have made it through my emails that I have caused untold distress for some people. I was not going to return because of what I felt I put people through but I especially wanted @utopia and @Former-Member to know that they were not wrong at the time and I was going through a real crisis period. You both held me together for longer than I could myself until the point where my own self-destructive thoughts overwhelmed me.

The entire message that I sent to SANE is below:

I have just viewed the multitude of emails and messages sent from forum members and members of the SANE team – as well as the text and voice message left on my phone.

I have not been able to communicate with anyone since the other night as I have been recovering from what ended up being an unsuccessful attempt to end the pain.

At the time I was in a very distressed state and I did want to stop the pain and all I seemed to achieve is to cause others pain and worry and that is the last thing I wanted to do – I just wanted to end mine and say goodbye to everyone beforehand so my future absence was explained. I should have realised that the message I posted would have concerned some people but I really was not in any state to think about the repercussions for others.

I am so sorry I caused so much distress to others – that is something I will have to hopefully try and live with.

I don’t believe after the concern and anxiety I caused to so many that I will ever be able to return to the forum.

Can someone from the SANE team please explain all this to all those involved and pass on my gratitude for their compassion, concerns and kind words throughout the time I have been part of the ‘forum family’.

Thank you and sorry again for the difficult position I put everyone in.

Zoe7

I do not want any responses from any of you. I just wanted to let you know exactly what has happened and let you know how truly sorry I am for hurting people I have come to think of as friends and family, and who I really care about.

Your support, advice and compassion are what make you all the wonderful people you are.

@utopia and @Former-Member I am so sorry that the trust you placed in me has now been broken because of my actions. I also felt that we had a stronger connection, especially over the last week, and you both helped me in ways I cannot even describe or explain. I was not pulling away from you two - just wanted to pull away from myself. I couldn't cope with my own feelings and no-one or nothing was actually going to be able to stop me at the time. It's now just another failure to add to my list of failures. I really don't know what else to say to you both but to reiterate my heartfelt 'sorry'.

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In response to: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor23 Mar 2017, 12:44 am AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

@Former-Member I just saw your post but yet again I didn't receive and email notification. It seems that it is mainly from you and sometimes from @Faith-and-Hope that they do not come through.

@NikNik 'see above' re email notifications

In response to: Am Not Coping

Unknown userMember23 Mar 2017, 12:49 am AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

Yes it makes sense @Zoe7. I know exactly what you are saying. Sometimes triggers fester. At first we think we are fine with them but our subsonscious decides no... we aren't. So while that's not a form of conscious denial it is a kind of denial in that our subconscious dictates to us that we need to deal with it. Very pesky little thing that subsoncsious.

Then when we are affected by it, that can be confronting and confusing. We wonder why on earth it is affecting us that way and from there the snowballing occurs. We say to question ourself.. why is it affecting us like that? why can't we just get over it? Why did we first think we are ok but now it's suddenly overwhelming us? Then we start drowning in it and we are in that horrible vortex of whirling black, fighting to get to the surface.

Yes. I get it. It's a horrible place to be, but it is "normal" in that others do suffer it, and no matter how rational and together we are as the "me" inside, it is real and it can touch us. And that's the really frustrating part, they why can't I get myself out of this. But triggers can do that. They are very powerful things, unfortunately. I wish they weren't because then we wouldn't have this horrible cycle that hits when they do.

But your emotions and feeling are real, they are valid and they do happen.

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor23 Mar 2017, 12:52 am AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

Exactly @Former-Member

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Unknown userMember23 Mar 2017, 12:56 am AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

@Zoe7, @Former-Member, @Former-Member, @Faith-and-Hope I'm going to tag team and sign off now. I can hardly see the screen.

I was also starting to feel a bit preachy @Zoe7 and I didn't want to do that, I'm sorry for that. I hope you can get some sleep tonight.

Thinking of you all 💜🤗

In response to: Am Not Coping

Unknown userMember23 Mar 2017, 12:56 am AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

@Zoe7, I've had trouble not receiving notifications too, or they're slow coming. Think they've been working on fixing it (poor NikNik). About these horrible emails you got - have you deleted them? Please start reconnecting with sane team again about it, tell them the details - get it off your chest. Maybe even ring their 1800 number. Am I picking up some anger there is too? You know, some say depression IS frozen anger. Can you write write write to journal it out and burn it up in smoke, or walk walk walk it off, a little every day? And forgive yourself. You're just human, and doing the best you can. Be ki d to yourself 💜

In response to: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor23 Mar 2017, 1:09 am AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

Pictures are up @Former-Member They are indeed beautiful images - and so many of them are from Venice - my favourite city in Italy by far

I did receive your latest post by email but still not the last one arghh.

I have deleted the emails - did not want them floating around anywhere! The SANE team know all about them - they contacted me very soon after regarding the content and to see if I was ok. I'm not angry @Former-Member - more that I feel for the person that wrote them and at the same time confronted by my own 'stuff' and can't talk about exactly what is going on for me.

@Former-Member You certainly have not been 'preachy' at all - infact it has been what I have really needed - I just need to 'talk' - to get some of this out of my system - and you have been a great help - I am just really conscious of where you are 'at' at the moment also and do not want to overload you in any way. I hope you can get some sleep Teej and I am thinking of you also

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Unknown userMember23 Mar 2017, 1:10 am AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

@Zoe7 Have you tried using say a text or word application of some kind on your computer... and typed it all out as if you were doing a post? That way although you don't feel comfortable actually posting it, you do get it out of you with the words in front of you. That could be an idea to consider. Like a faux post. Just one that will never be sent.

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor23 Mar 2017, 1:14 am AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

That is a great idea @Former-Member - my only concern with that is that once I start actually addressing the content that has affected me - if I don't have the support to deal with it I won't be able to cope with it. I think it is probably best that I wait until tomorrow when there is support from the mods concerned to actually start working through how it has affected me.

In response to: Am Not Coping

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor23 Mar 2017, 1:16 am AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

I'm picking up the drift of this @Zoe7 .....

Being visual, we quickly transfer things we read or hear into images, and that reverberates into our emotions ..... but I want you to picture something ......

Imagine a stone dropped into snook of water ..... the ripples rolling out from where the stone impacted the surface ..... now drop a beatific big bunch of flowers into the pool of water ...... they too will send rings out into the pool of water ..... but the flowers don't sink like the stone did ..... they are light ...,, They bob back up to the surface .....

The flowers separate out from the way they were held in a bunch, and they disperse across the water ..... leaving beatific petals everywhere they have trailed.

The pond's water-rings from the flowers overtake the water rings from the stone, as they have lost momentum and the flowr's water-rings are stronger now .....

We can acknowledge things that have hurt us, but we can over-write them after that. We can send healing thoughts, actions, experiences out after the things that have hurt us, to overtake the negative with something light, beautiful, healing, positive .....

💐❤️💕

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Unknown userMember23 Mar 2017, 1:21 am AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

yes, fair enough @Zoe7 . Would be good if you could time it so you wrote it all out right before you had the support there, the two hand in hand might really be cathartic. Any emotion that comes from it might end up being more positive .. in that it might end up being a way of finally getting it out and a return to some grounding. I know often before I have a moment of "clarity" so to speak... or at least a major clearing of an issue that has hit me, I often have a final cry that feels more like an emotional release than the ones that come from the unresolved chaos. I'm not sure if you have those different ones, but that's what it's like for me at least.

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