Am Not Coping

hugs @Zoe7 , @Former-Member

Thanks a lot @Former-Member but unfortunately you may need to remind me again about the parenting comparison error (it’s seriously a pretty constant theme for a lot of the day & so so so unproductive - it occurs even when I’m well & can tip me into ill health). Tomorrow is the first day if 2 weeks of not working so hopefully I’ll be well mentally.

So haven’t you been a superstar with all your washing/bedding & sewing?! Enjoy your “immense” pride in your achievements.

im hoping you’re nearly asleep now @Zoe7 @Was the info on that web page already familiar? Maybe you could ask for the written position description?

Good evening @Shaz51 @BlueBay

Are you still “off the grid” @MDT ? Thinking of you nonetheless.

Hoorah! @Zoe7

So glad that you have a clear idea of what is happening for first 2 terms. It actually sounds like a really good situation which will optimise your reintegration back into teaching, with the bonus of honing skills in small groups and not having far to travel. The opportunity to utilise your passion for art is terrific and I am sure it willl be a great boon for the children.

@BlueBay @Former-Member @Shaz51 @Sam3 and all who pass.

Heartfelt Greetings.

Hi @Appleblossom It must be early where you are. I assume you’re a moderator. Hope you’re having a pleasant evening.

Hi @Sam3

Its almost pumpkin hour here, but I have no commitments until tomorrow afternoon. I am not a mod, just a forum member who has been around for a few years. I post on both sides and identify as a carer and a person with oodles of lived experience, I may even have some experience where I popped out of bod mode .... so that might mean unlived experience ....

How are you tonight?

Hahaha @Appleblossom @re unlived experience. Could you distil all your lived & carer experience into a ‘take home message’ please?!

You asked how I was @Appleblossom - this was to your peril as you can see from the length of my reply.

I was having a good night until I stupidly asked my 12yo about his essay on the topic of my mother which included my response to her death. I asked him to elaborate on his comment “my mum has never recovered” expecting him to say he was using a dramatic technique like hyperbole, but instead he replied “well I think the statement is pretty accurate”. I asked him if that had affected him much & he seemed to deny it. The reality is that no doubt all 4 kids & my husband have been impacted by my depression. I can’t change the past ... heck I can’t even change the present! I made everything worse after dad’s death one year, the birth of the 4th child that year, then mum’s death the next year by waiting a few years before attempting to return interstate for better educational opportunities for the kids & for my husband’s wellbeing. It ended up that I gave up my job I liked for nothing because due to my mother-in-law & 1st child’s distress & my new job being too stressful we did not shift interstate afterall. My mental health, my career & maybe my kids’ wellbeing & development have suffered & as my astute 12yo says I’ve never recovered. Worryingly no. 1 child wrote a similar essay including statements about how I was glued to the couch & incredibly sad etc etc. Is it a knee jerk to send the younger two kids to private school now our financial circumstances have improved? I’ve been really unwell but I would you say I just have to accept that’s had negative impact on others too? I want to stay well & offset the losses/damage from not being a better parent. My friend recently said “you’ve raised happy & healthy children in a beautiful part of the world”. It helps but how can I make sense of/reframe that decision to move interstate which has caused so much ongoing grief, guilt & ongoing ruminations about education (3rd child is bright but not motivated & may be like that wherever he went to school, 4th child would love the extracurricular offerings of a private school I reckon). Any insights would be welcome thanks as I REALLY want to get well & stay well & the above factors along with family history of mental illness are both causal & perpetuating. I offer my genuine apologies & respect to those who have experienced significant trauma & more dramatic events.

@Sam3

Sometimes I can be more light hearted than other times ... and over time we do accumulate a lot of those .... ahem ... experiences ... even if not quite like Blake's Songs of Innocence or ...

Dont worry about long posts ... I can relate to a lot that you wrote but my youngest is a lot older.

Relationships with our mothers are pivotal whether we parent in similar ways or reacted and consciously chose different styles or methods.

They say about grief that we always are processing it ... it is with us all the time ...

Personally I had a few other deaths that devastated me more than my mother. Hers was at the end of a long life and she had a few triumphs as well sufferings.

Education raised issues huge in my family. Access and the quality of education varied significantly.

It is sad that so much family welfare hinged on your decision to change state. We cannot anticiapte or plan for all eventualities. Some children may have flourished with the move and some elite schools may be wasted on some children. Sorry there are too many "somes" but I listen to stories of older people and see what young people go through .... We cant turn back time, so we all, adults and children have to keep oriented forward, though the past needs to be addressed. Your 12 yo sounds insightful. Therapuetic conversations dont have to be detailed to have some healing ....

I try and raise things vaguely to stimulate some conversation and communication. If it is vague then the children can take it in the directions they feel most relevant ....

Sorry .... no crystal balls or magic pills .... but just a bit of a sounding board.

Thanks so much for your considered response @Appleblossom but are you sure you’re not a pharmacist/unicorn who can make magic pills?! On a more serious note, I’m sorry that you’ve evidently had a number of deaths to deal with & that education was somewhat divisive in your family context. For the most part, are you living ok with your grief & your past?

I just had the idea that if the angst about not putting the kids in environments where they might flourish pops into my mind I can think that happiness & ease re local school are pretty important factors & I can provide some structure/extracurricular if I’m well enough or try harder.

Hello to @Zoe7 @Shaz51 @Former-Member @BlueBay for when they wake up! Happy 1st day back to school @Zoe7 Please feel free to respond to my previous post as I’m sure there’s much wisdom within this forum.

Just a quick fly by this morning before I get resdy for work.

@Sam3 thankyou for podting the description of a Support Worker - good to hsve that is the back of my mind for today. I have also read your later post but will need to respond further later today - need to give it the time it deserves which I don't havr this morning. Hope you hsve a good day @Sam3

@Appleblossom As always you write from the heart and your reposnses are always welcome. I hope this new role is perfect for me - will update you also when zi know more sfter today