Am Not Coping

You go girrrrrl @Zoe7

Well I am sure your already off to a flying start. Its lunchtime.

@Sam3

I have had close family members, be in grammar schools, select entry schools, very garden variety state, and some home schooling ... and alternate methods of socialising my son, so yes a lot of variety.

My mum only had grade 6/7 but went to uni in her 50s. I have a child with year 7 and one with an MA and half a Phd. So lots of extremes ... ha ha ...

Love your sense of humour. Its a good way through depression, but laughter is a gift and comes when it wills.

Hello all @Shaz51 @Former-Member @BlueBay I’m still thinking of you @MDT & hoping you’re ok.

@Zoe7 I’m sending positive vibes & hoping those kids’ support needs aren’t too intense (& no really challenging behaviours). Can’t wait for your update. Don’t worry about replying to my ruminations after your first ‘return to work’ day, but thank you for considering it.

@Appleblossom thanks for your thoughtful reply. Sounds like your family has covered the gamut of educational options. Your mum must have been a determined lady judging by that achievement. Do you have a couple of kids? I hope they are doing ok as adults? I like to think my husband’s efforts have offset a large amount of the impact of my depression over the last 5 years on our 4 kids (I also mask it pretty well socially). The concern is more for the 12yo rather than the 9yo but my husband thinks it’s all fine (did I mention he’s an optimist?!). After apparently having good behaviour all year, one of the high school teachers contacted us about the 12yo who was naughty/silly in class (we are grateful about the teacher caring enough but thankfully we have never had a phonecall like that before about any of them in a collective 33 years of schooling). That 12 yo consistently achieved almost the highest you can get with most domains of his NAPLAN but didn’t get a single A in high school so that’s not great (a private school may not ‘fix’ that anyway of course). Sorry about all this I’m just a bit triggered by our weekend visitor & having several friends who send their kids to $30000/year schools (can you believe it?!). The reality is that as a parent with a mental illness I should probably acknowledge it’s better to reduce stress by not having to commute & not paying fees (but that does sound like my kids opportunities are negatively impacted by my health/personality😞...it sucks having depression but then again there are plenty of really nasty physical health conditions so I’m counting my blessings). Thanks for ‘listening’😸

Hi @Sam3 and everyone on the thread

Sam3 I think you're being hard on yourself. I went to an expensive, private highschool but the pastoral care was so poor and the stigma against mental illness was so strong that I struggled through it for 6 years with untreated depression. I now have lifelong depression, anxiety and psychotic symptoms. I did very well academically but have now been unemployed for 7 years, very isolated and ravaged by physical illness.. and so on. What I mean is that loving parents make all the difference to your formative years, whereas schools don't necessarily have a postive impact. And strong academic performance doesn't mean you'll be emotionally balanced, good with relationships & friends, happy or fulfilled when you grow into an adult, or even employable or fulfilled in your career. Academia is only one part of life and only one part of development in your formative years.

Maybe you're just getting influenced by perfectionism and not seeing your strengths as a parent - you love your kids and that goes a long, long way, every day.

Your situation @Sam3 is no more or less than what anyone else has experienced - it is just different. We all have our own lived experience and the effect our MI has on us is very individual. You cannot compare what you are living through with anyone else's life as they are not walking in your shoes. We can empathise with each other knowing that what we are going through is similar in so many instances but your experiences are yours alone. Do not underestimate the effects that you MI has on you functioning each day and the capacity that you do so. It is not ideal that your children see those things in you but that is the reality. It is, I believe, much better that they are voicing their observations rather than keeping them inside - that can often lead to disfunction in their own lives later on when they have no insight into why their mum is the way she is. I see this as a positive and although you would like it to not be the case - you do have a MI and you do struggle with a negative mind. On the positive side you are also still raising free thinking, and it seems adaptable children, who each has resilience and are critical thinkers. You are also more than holding down a job - you have infact had great resilience yourself to get through this last round of applying for jobs, attending interviews and actually winning one of those positions. To me you are doing an amazing job to juggle life the best you can but I know belief in oneself is often the first thing that goes when dealing with a MI. Stay focussed on what you want to achieve and what you want for your family and the rest will fall into place in time. It does take a willingness to change (which youo have) and some great support around you. You have your family which seems strong and outside help also - there is no disgrace on relying on those supports when you need to - often asking for help is the most courageous thing you can do. ...and of course you have us here to bounce things off and we are behind you 100% @Sam3

Okay - long post coming up and many people to tag....

@Faith-and-Hope @CheerBear @Teej @BryanaCamp @Sam3 @Appleblossom @Shaz51 @Former-Member @Snowie @Sans911 @MDT @Owlunar @Adge @outlander @BlueBay @Maggie @eth @Bunniekins @TAB @Wanderer @Former-Member @frog @Queenie @Mazarita and anyone else who has been following along or wished me goodluck for today...

I DID IT - first day back and I made it through.

I felt quite nervous walking in there but within seconds people were introducing themselves and rather than feeling overwhemed I actually felt at ease. It was a bit of a shock to feel that way in amongst so many people but my anxiety seemed to lift on its own (no extra meds needed ) Everyone for the whole morning made me feel very welcome. There were a couple of other people starting in various roles as well so I wasn't the only one. I think that made it a little less daunting also.

We started the day at the PD doing some art - so I felt very comfortable, I stood back a bit myself until the assistant Principal told them that she had seen some of my work and I was very talented - so of course that made me feel anxious like I had to live up to expectations - then I painted according to the directions we were given a ssmall part and felt better afterwards. It was a good start to the day - how could I not like doing art at a PD

In the second part of the morning we had more of an information session around supportive schools and this I felt I could contribute too as well - so part 2 of the day was also good. I then had a meeting with the Principa and he told me that the first few weeks will be working in classes and getting to know the kids and the school - that helped. I still don't have a time table that is filled in as yet but that is in the process of being done. From what I can gather it was a new role created within the school so all those details are yet to be organised. As long as I don't have to take a class on my own just yet then I am happy to be moved around a bit until it is worked out.

The afternoon was in classrooms setting up so I had nothing to do - so I ask some teachers if I could help them and one jumped at the chance straight away - she had a flat pack she needed setting up so I was stoked that I could do something I love doing. I ended up going home for lunch time, grabbing some tools (as the ones in the flat back were useless) and in doing so could let Toby out for a few minutes as well.

The rest of the afternoon I helped another teacher sort out some of her classroom stuff so the time went uite quickly.

Looking forward tonight to doing some more things around home as I surprisingly still have some energy. It took me less than 10 minutes to get home tonight so being so close to the school is wonderful.

It was a good day and I really feel like this is going to be a good school for me. Everyone was so nice and welcoming and it has a very nice feel among the staff. I am sure I will find little groups or people that gravitate towards each other but that is inevitable with any large number of staff.

I can only be myself and that has to be enough!

Thanks @CheerBear It was a good day and although I really don't know what I will be doing just yet I do feel good about it.

How are your LF going at school? How are you doing CB?

Really well done for your first day at the new school @Zoe7. Glad to hear that it went so well.

@Zoe7 Oh Zoe7 how wonderful :D. So happy for you that it went so well. All in in a totally successful day :). Looking forward to hearing more throughout the week. Well done!! xxxx

Good Good Good @Zoe7 it's always good when changes work out so nice to hear .. I'm happy for you