Am Not Coping

@Decadian My control issues are more around abuse and violence, expectations (perceived and real) and being constantly let down or disparaged (again more perceived than real) by people around me.

Thanks for sharing this @Zoe7

I imagine you were physically and emotionally abused - disparaged and let down - until the only thing you could be sure of was that nothing was likely to be positive - and this was in a background of violence

No child should be abused like that - it leaves marks in your mind - you expect things to go wrong and often they do - oh dear

This must be hard to fight up-hill against - are you seeing anyone - you may have written about this but I can't read everything - I miss out on details

Okay - I am a survivor of childhood abuse - I remember attacking my mother - and the physical abuse stopped though the emotional abuse went on and on - I kept away for years at a time and that was really a hard time -

And if you have had enough crap when you are small - and the background is so pervasive - then the shadows will haunt you into adult life

That is so tough

Dec

@Decadian You got two out of three right re abuse in childhood! The physical and emotional abuse continued throughout my teenage years also then - as you would expect really - entered an abusive relationship as a teenager that continued into my mid 20s. Pretty much just learnt over the years to accept what I was dealt as that is all I'd known. Has made me very sensitive to even the smallest of disappointments and even though I know in my head that these little things aren't personal I really take it to heart.

Oh dear @Zoe7

It is not at all good to know I was right about the childhood abuse - for it has followed you into adult life - young adult with your abusive relationship

I hope that is over now

And I get it that even though some things are not personal you do take them to heart - it's a hard habit to break - and even the "smallest of disappointments" really are so much more than that

That's a hard place to grow from - and no wonder

Dec

@Decadian That ended a long time ago - very violently. Did have a couple of short lived 'relationships' after but it was just too hard to trust anyone - and usually any trust was betrayed anyway. Have been on my own for over 15 years now with no intention of even considering letting anyone else into my life.

I know my psychologist is trying to break down some of my barriers (and she does recognise that it is unlikely that I will be able to completely deal with all my 'issues') but I'm not sure how much more I can take at this point.

I'm really just completely overwhelmed by my life and where I'm sitting in it right now.

I've described it before as seeing the light move away from me - at the moment it seems to have nearly disappeared and I just feel so empty.

I hope it doesn't sound like trivialising @Zoe7 .... but please do try to distract yourself and keep your mind busy with other things, so it doesn't have so much scope to spiral .....

Are you into jigsaw puzzles ? I was using online crosswords, but Teej does online jigsaws and introduced me to them ... I use a free site called thejigsawpuzzles.com, if you're interested ....it has become my circuit-breaker.

💜

@utopia felt more like I was pushed aside but not by you or my other 'friends' on here. But that is something for me to deal with and have to 'get over'.

Will try and take @Faith-and-Hope 's advice re puzzles.

Have to drag myself out of the house to see GP later today - just want to stay home.

Hi @Zoe7

I understand you living on your own for so long - I have been alone for 26 years now I think - and I have no intention of every having it any other way - I am very happy with the way things are right now - even though it can be isolating - and during those times the thoughts can get harder to deal with

For me - I have a lot of things to do with my days - from my private study, piano, on-line media and games and movies - I love movies and docos -

But as for your negative thoughts - that takes a therapist - I am glad you are seeing someone

I understand that you may never over-come all of your issues after such a tough start in life - you have to change the whole map - huge task - and how much can any of us take?

That is something I wonder myself when I think back across my life and how troubled it was for so long - but whether or not I have sorted my own stuff - I can sit with myself now - and I see that light moving away - that does concern me -

You see it disappearing and you feel so empty - that is so sad - that is so terribly sad

Hugs though

Dec