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Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor

Am Not Coping

I am really not coping at the moment but this is entirely on ME!

This is a message for a few people on here @utopia @Former-Member @Faith-and-Hope @Former-Member

that I asked could be passed on but it seems that only part of it has been and I understand from the responses that have made it through my emails that I have caused untold distress for some people. I was not going to return because of what I felt I put people through but I especially wanted @utopia and @Former-Member to know that they were not wrong at the time and I was going through a real crisis period. You both held me together for longer than I could myself until the point where my own self-destructive thoughts overwhelmed me.

The entire message that I sent to SANE is below:

I have just viewed the multitude of emails and messages sent from forum members and members of the SANE team – as well as the text and voice message left on my phone.

I have not been able to communicate with anyone since the other night as I have been recovering from what ended up being an unsuccessful attempt to end the pain.

At the time I was in a very distressed state and I did want to stop the pain and all I seemed to achieve is to cause others pain and worry and that is the last thing I wanted to do – I just wanted to end mine and say goodbye to everyone beforehand so my future absence was explained. I should have realised that the message I posted would have concerned some people but I really was not in any state to think about the repercussions for others.

I am so sorry I caused so much distress to others – that is something I will have to hopefully try and live with.

I don’t believe after the concern and anxiety I caused to so many that I will ever be able to return to the forum.

Can someone from the SANE team please explain all this to all those involved and pass on my gratitude for their compassion, concerns and kind words throughout the time I have been part of the ‘forum family’.

Thank you and sorry again for the difficult position I put everyone in.

Zoe7

I do not want any responses from any of you. I just wanted to let you know exactly what has happened and let you know how truly sorry I am for hurting people I have come to think of as friends and family, and who I really care about.

Your support, advice and compassion are what make you all the wonderful people you are.

@utopia and @Former-Member I am so sorry that the trust you placed in me has now been broken because of my actions. I also felt that we had a stronger connection, especially over the last week, and you both helped me in ways I cannot even describe or explain. I was not pulling away from you two - just wanted to pull away from myself. I couldn't cope with my own feelings and no-one or nothing was actually going to be able to stop me at the time. It's now just another failure to add to my list of failures. I really don't know what else to say to you both but to reiterate my heartfelt 'sorry'.

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In response to: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor

Re: Am Not Coping

Yes @utopia I do usually feel better after seeing her - not doing very good today - long periods of staring into space at nothing. Really feel like I have fallen backwards so far and having trouble pulling myself back up. Hate being like this - no motivation, no energy, can't think straight and can"t focus on anything. Not sure if I'll be online much tonight - really won't be good company or be able to support anyone. Will check in later at some stage though. Hope your day has kept busy ❤

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor

Re: Am Not Coping

Please keep yourself safe @Zoe7 .... ❤️💕

In response to: Am Not Coping

utopiaSenior Contributor

Re: Am Not Coping

@Zoe7. No need to post here if you're too tired or numb.
I hope you told the gp that you feel you are slipping backwards. She needs to know to be able to help you.
Don't worry about us. We will all look after each other tonight. Although I may go to bed early. Am exhausted. But only one more work day to go this week.
Sending you strength. Am here anytime you need me. ♥♥

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor

Re: Am Not Coping

@utopia Told my GP exactly how I was feeling. She asked if I felt worse than last week and I was honest and said Yes. She is also giving me just enough of my meds until I see her again each time. At this stage will be every few days. My next appointment is Monday. She is furious about the time they said it will take to process my paperwork etc. for income protection and is going to call them and 'make waves'. I would not put it past her to be able to get it sorted very quickly as I know she has dealt with these kind of issues before, very successfully, and is not backward in taking it further if required.

I do feel slightly better having seen her - as you said I would - but I'm still not in a very good place.

In response to: Am Not Coping

utopiaSenior Contributor

Re: Am Not Coping

@Zoe7. I know you're still not in a great place. Unfortunately my friend, it will take a bit more time. But I'm very impressed that you were honest and said you were feeling worse. It may not seem like it at the moment - but that is a huge step. Admitting that.
So you have tomorrow to keep yourself busy. Maybe a long walk with Toby. Somewhere there aren't tii many people around. But where he can run off lead & exhaust himself. If only it was that easy for those of us with depression.
I laughed when I read your gp will call the insurance company. I can picture it. And I'd love her in my corner.
I'm seeing my psychologist and gp next Friday week - the 10th. Haven't caught up with them since December. Am overdue for a 'tune up' with my psychologist. So that will be good. Although I can already picture his disappointment because I'm drinking again. Although some days none and some days only one. But others - 4. I know. It makes my depression worse. But I'm self medicating & it's nice to have a drink after work on a hot day. Even I know I'm making excuses now. So I'll stop bull s***ing both of us - & stop talking.
Just watered the driveway garden bed. Still keeping an eye on the couple of sick plants. I might give them a seaweed spray/drink on Saturday. That might perk them up.
I've got washing almost ready to hang on the line. Mum made my son and I dinner tonight - to take away - yay - no chit chat. Just checked on my son. He's sound asleep. 2nd day of school and he had 2 hr band practice after school. Poor little rug rat is exhausted.

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor

Re: Am Not Coping

@utopia My GP is so angry at the length of the time they said it will take and is going to be very clear that this is having an even more detrimental effect on my health. It will cost them more in the long run if it isn't sorted quickly as I won't be able to just concentrate on ME until I know I have some sort of financial security - especially pay my bills and then be able to afford to go back to my posychologist.

She will not only call the insurance company but take it even further if necessary.She spoke to the media a few weeks ago in relation to the appalling treatment one of her other patients had received in the public health system and guess what - that patient is now receiving the appropriate treatment - in the public health system!!! She doesn't mess around when it comes to the care and welfare of her patients. I told you she goes above and beyond!!!

You certainly are 'overdue for a tune-up' especially after the sh*tty week you have had - and yet still being here to support me

Don't worry about having a glass or two every now and then - maybe lay off a bit while you're up the tree on Saturday though - you may fall out LOL

Glad your Mum did 'takeaway' for you - knew you were concerned about being tired and her wanting to find things to 'fix'.

What instrument does your son play?

In response to: Am Not Coping

utopiaSenior Contributor

Re: Am Not Coping

I just told bb that I was worried I'd fall out of the tree on Satuday. Lol.
@Zoe7. My boy did 6 years of piano. Started him when he was in prep. At grade 6 he wanted to stop. So he did. Year 7 - he chose the saxophone. He wanted the drums - but the music teachers said he was too talented for drums. Lol. He's bloody good. He loves playing classical and bluesy jazz. He doesn't get his musical abikity from me!!.
But I believe all kids are mysical - they just need to be given the opportunity and to start young. He sits at our piano and just plays whatever comes to mind. No sheet music. Occasionally he'll look up a song on you tube and learn a modern song. I'm like a proud peacock parent. But even though he's my son - he really is talented. I could talk for hours about him. Lol
I love your gp. She really is amazing. So glad you found her.

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor

Re: Am Not Coping

@utopia That's funny - you will deinitely need that harness and safety hat then LOL

You son sounds so talented The saxophone is my favourite instrument. Anyone that can play it well brings music to life and can take you into another world.

I have a drum kit sitting on top of my cupboard - there's so much dust on it that I can't even remember what colour it originally was - matches by guitar colours now though - a dirty browny-grey. I am certainly not in the same league as your son - just dabble. I did play the organ when I was younger but gave that away a long time ago - have thought about getting a small keyboard but never got around to it - certainly can't afford to now!!!

I love my GP too - wish you all had her - NO I DON'T (I would never get an appointment myself LOL).

Seriously - she is fantastic and would provide the same standard of care to everyone on here - and get things done! She is still trying to sort out the psychiatrist (no longer as a backup but as a matter of urgency) - she is now going to insist that she speaks directly to each psychiatrist she is trying to get me into and not just deal with the reception staff to get things moving quicker. She is concerned that I have gone downhill and understands that there are lots of factors and reasons why this has happened but getting meds sorted to help out is her priority. She feels I am not as bad as I think I am but I suppose I'm just not in a place to see what she sees!

In response to: Am Not Coping

utopiaSenior Contributor

Re: Am Not Coping

@Zoe7. Yes I agree with your gp. A psychiatrist review is urgent. You need a psychiatrist to work out the best medication for you. My gp - after a point -stopped upping my anti depressant -- as she wanted a psychs opinion. So fingers crossed she can get you in with a good psych - soon.
I was rapt when he chose the saxophone. It's such a sexy, moody, nurturing sound.
I also have bongo drums sitting on too of the piano. It gathers dust - just like the guitar my son has - only did 6 months of lessons. He found it too hard. But when my 5 year old niece is over - she plays the bongos and piano and xylophone. Just noise at the moment - but later this year I'll start her on the beginners piano book.
Am still having negative self talk about old friend and my stomach feels really unsettled. It's like being caught doing something wrong but you don't know what. Feeling guilty when you didn't do anything. Trying to shut out this negative talk - but it does sneak thriugh from time to time. Logically I know I didn't do anything wrong. But it doesn't stop the doubts and self talk.
Just have to keep myself busy all the time.

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor

Re: Am Not Coping

OMG @utopia I so know that feeling! You have done absolutely nothing wrong but you feel like the whole world is watching, judging and waiting to blame you for something - but you haven't done anything!! We feel so down on ourselves as a result of others' behaviour and we know what the reality is in our heads but the rest of our bodies feel the pain so much that it takes over our thinking also. Damn negative self-talk

What are you going to do tonight to stay busy - other than writing essays for me LOL

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Aboriginal flag
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SANE acknowledges the Traditional Owners of Country throughout Australia and recognises the continuing connection to lands, waters and communities. We pay our respect to Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander cultures; and to Elders past and present.

SANE values diversity. We are committed to providing a safe, culturally appropriate, and inclusive service for all people, regardless of their ethnicity, faith, disability, sexuality, or gender identity.

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