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Am Not Coping

Am Not Coping

I am really not coping at the moment but this is entirely on ME!

This is a message for a few people on here @utopia @Former-Member @Faith-and-Hope @Former-Member

that I asked could be passed on but it seems that only part of it has been and I understand from the responses that have made it through my emails that I have caused untold distress for some people. I was not going to return because of what I felt I put people through but I especially wanted @utopia and @Former-Member to know that they were not wrong at the time and I was going through a real crisis period. You both held me together for longer than I could myself until the point where my own self-destructive thoughts overwhelmed me.

The entire message that I sent to SANE is below:

I have just viewed the multitude of emails and messages sent from forum members and members of the SANE team – as well as the text and voice message left on my phone.

I have not been able to communicate with anyone since the other night as I have been recovering from what ended up being an unsuccessful attempt to end the pain.

At the time I was in a very distressed state and I did want to stop the pain and all I seemed to achieve is to cause others pain and worry and that is the last thing I wanted to do – I just wanted to end mine and say goodbye to everyone beforehand so my future absence was explained. I should have realised that the message I posted would have concerned some people but I really was not in any state to think about the repercussions for others.

I am so sorry I caused so much distress to others – that is something I will have to hopefully try and live with.

I don’t believe after the concern and anxiety I caused to so many that I will ever be able to return to the forum.

Can someone from the SANE team please explain all this to all those involved and pass on my gratitude for their compassion, concerns and kind words throughout the time I have been part of the ‘forum family’.

Thank you and sorry again for the difficult position I put everyone in.

Zoe7

I do not want any responses from any of you. I just wanted to let you know exactly what has happened and let you know how truly sorry I am for hurting people I have come to think of as friends and family, and who I really care about.

Your support, advice and compassion are what make you all the wonderful people you are.

@utopia and @Former-Member I am so sorry that the trust you placed in me has now been broken because of my actions. I also felt that we had a stronger connection, especially over the last week, and you both helped me in ways I cannot even describe or explain. I was not pulling away from you two - just wanted to pull away from myself. I couldn't cope with my own feelings and no-one or nothing was actually going to be able to stop me at the time. It's now just another failure to add to my list of failures. I really don't know what else to say to you both but to reiterate my heartfelt 'sorry'.

38645 replies

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In response to: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

Love that idea @Zoe7. Will be great to see the end results.

In response to: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

Why is it still taboo @utopia?

It shouldn't be - but it is - unmentionable.

I forget about it now - it's nearly 31 years since I had one - I had a hysterectomy - I might have stopped having hysterics but I still yelled a lot - I can still yell if I have to - I yell at my cat to get the Bl^^ldy H^ll inside seeing as I have opened the door to let her in - I guess all the neighbours know my cat has decided to run around on a hot evening enjoying herself after dark when she is not supposed to be out

But being female - men want women but should we be unco-operative we are given terrible names - why is that - why are so many bad words against women?

But periods - my mother told me I could never talk about them to ANYONE - and get this - I was told I could not have a bath or a shower, wash my hair, wear shorts or trousers, climb trees, ride my bicycle, go swimming, eat icecream or icypoles or talk to boys.

And I can tell you I did everyone one of those things - even roust my then-husband out of bed to change the sheets

My mother said "All right - etc - you can use tampons" - but wow - this was after a long row - because I might just enjoy it.

My Gran was more open - she called it the Curse and the Pain - and told me having stomach cramps was normal - wonderful Gran - she was a Victorian too - and told me that Queen Victoria said that it was okay for grandmothers to put their elbows on the dining table - and so I do

But here's the fun thing Utopia - I was doing classes for confirmation - and I was in agony - some of the hymns mentioned the virgin's womb - and Jesus holding us to his breast - and all sorts of other things said during services that were taboo at home - I could not hold up my head - luckily we were supposed to be praying and my mother didn't go to church so I could ask her

So - one night I was reading an article in a magazine about flying - and I asked

"Dad - what's menstruation?"

And he had a pink fit asked why I wanted to know - so I said

"In this magazine it says that women shouldn't fly during menstruation"

And Dad said - "Ask your mother"

And I said "Why - she doesn't know anything about aeroplanes"

What utter crap - yeah - I thought things were more up to date - people had minds that were more open - we are not vile because we are female -

Dec - really on the soap-box

In response to: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

You go @Owlunar. Yes I had friends at school who were not allowed to shower dduring their menstral week. So many silly restrictions put on women.
No don't climb trees, fly, etc etc.
Then you have the tampon ads. Where you can go horse riding, windsurfing etc. You can eve wear white pants!!! Lol.

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

@utopia @Owlunar

I am having a great laugh here behind the scenes - you too are both on your soap boxes - absolutely love it!!!!! You go girls

I am going to wash my walls - and then go outside and build something just to even it out lol

In response to: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

{Wanders in after hearing @Zoe7 mention name. Thinks it is super cool that @Zoe7 is feeling like she sounds like Phoenix_Rising...I mean, who wouldn't want to sound like Phoenix_Rising!!! Has strange urge to perform cleansing ceremony in this space noting that what transpired late last night is totally ok and nothing for anyone to feel bad about in any way whatsoever - it was what it was and that's ok, but that was yesterday's storm and today is a brand new day. After conducting cleansing ceremony, leaves again, resolving not to return until 7:30pm to watch the disintegration of @Zoe7 and @utopia's brains by reality tv...}.

In response to: Am Not Coping

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@Phoenix_Rising. For someone who doesn't talk much - you really make me laugh. I look forward to having you around tonight, to witness the destruction of more brain cells.
@Zoe7 - enjoy your building project.

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

White pants @utopia

All I had was white pants - and my mother made me wash them - impossible

When dd had her turn - I got her supplies for her at the supermarket and threw soiled panties away - she never had to battle that hateful battle

But I do remember sitting in the pharmacy waiting for something and I asked a friend what Modess was - we were curious - and young - and the woman in the shop said to ask our mothers and mine was ignorant - as always

And I would imagine that it is more important to bath or shower during our periods - it was bad enough having the unexpected event - all the stuff that went with it - how is one supposed to cope with that?

I asked my mother if I could stay home from school the first time I got it - just for one day - but she was cruel - I loved school but would it not be a good idea to have the day at home to get used to the idea - to know what would happen?

Grumble - it is so good to get some things out into the open

Dec

Okay - what's good about it - well - if pregnancy is not required right then - it's a good thing to see

In response to: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

Hi @Zoe7 .... convo has moved on so I'm just throwing an answer in anyway ..... 😊

I ended up sleeping in a lounge chair .... the bl%dy tv through its bl%dy box has an automatic bl%dy turn-off feature somewhere in its bl%dy set-up .... but blowed if I could work any of it out at 1am with the remote responding to some commands and not to others ..... and can't access the wall socket behind a bl%dy big cabinet to switch it off .... so guess what ?? Walk back into my bedroom this morning and the bl%dy thing is off ..... of course .... :face_with_rolling_eyes:😆 .... waddareyagonnado ?? It's laugh or cry time by then ....

WH had a bee in his bonnet and I'm still not sure why .... I was a bit late home from where I went, because I stopped into a shop for a couple of necessities .... but not too late for some family time, which is what he had requested .... but then I got snapped at, mega-sulks and stomping around doing stuff he had asked me to do that I had assigned to today (read - had them taken off me - bad girl !!) ..... :face_with_rolling_eyes::face_with_rolling_eyes::face_with_rolling_eyes: ..... I just ignored it all, fed the kids, and went to bed. Fed everyone except S2 who had crashed from sleep deprivations, which may have been the true cause of WH's mood .... probably wanted to play a board game with him but couldn't get any sense out of him .... whatever .... I just didn't try to deal with it and WH's mood is just as black this morning .... so I'm out walking .....

There you go ....

There will probably be some sort of spectacular fireworks under our roof at some point today, but in the hear and now, I'm going looking for Dolphins by the river and not worrying about it !!

In response to: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

Oh shite @Faith-and-Hope what a night 😣
Hope you see some dolphins to help relax you a little. 🐋🐋🐋 here's a few for you just in case there are none in the water.
I hope the fireworks don't come later and WH settles a bit! When is he leaving - should we arrange a countdown clock... we need to start painting to relax and just BE 💙💚💛💜💖

In response to: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

Thanks @Zoe7 .... 🤗❤️💕
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