Am Not Coping

@Former-Member Same here - tried to protect my mum and sister from my dad and I copped it! Think in part this was to cover up everything else that I was going through outside of the home in an attempt to explain my own behaviour changes. Mum would just say things like - you know what he's like or why didn't you stay away? Why - because I couldn't stand him yelling or threatening anyone else. If he directed his anger at me then my sister and mum were safe.

I do love my Mum but I have so much resentment towards her - for not getting us out of the situation with Dad and for not knowing what else I was going through outside of the home. The really starnge thing now is that I have a better relationshup with my Dad - the violence came to an end when I was 22 because after he hit me I threatened to call the police and told him if he ever did it again I would have him charged. I have talked to him about how he made me feel for so long and he really is a different person now. He doesn't drink anymore and that has completely changed how he is - he still has anger issues but they are not fuelled by alcohol (which just completely exacerbated the situation).

I'm sure you will get through tomorrow with flying colours When do the kids start back?

think thats pretty amazing that you were able to stand up to your father, and forgive him when he was able to change.

i went to bed, but cant sleep. Kids are back at school tomorrow. wish i had an off button for sleep! i think if i got more sleep i'd probably feel like i could cope with things more.

hope you get some sleep too tonight,

lj

@Former-Member Yep - I don't sleep either - completely understand how hard it is to cope without sleep - just amplifies our anxiety, depression and ptsd.

I'll be up for a while yet if you can't sleep.

If you do go to sleep - have a great day tomorrow - enjoy the company of the kids and getting to know them. Take it easy on yourself and do what gets you through the first hour, then the rest of the work day and then look back when you get home and acknowledge that you did it!

Let me know tomorrow night how your day was - the best things about the day and the things that you could change for the next day - Yes lj : homework for you LOL

@Former-Member@Faith-and-Hope I do know that I wouldn't have any kind of relationship with my father if I hadn't done it when I did because I moved back out of my parents home shortly after.

Seems like everyone has gone to bed tonight - wish I could sleep - would be so much easier to cope with the nights if I could actually sleep!

@Faith-and-Hope going to curl up with Toby and see how I go - really need to see GP tomorrow to get some help - can't cope without sleep and can't sleep when I'm not coping

Holding you in the light @Zoe7 ..... 🌺💕

@Faith-and-Hope

@utopia @Former-Member @Faith-and-Hope @Former-Member @BlueBay @Appleblossom @Former-Member @Kurra @pip @Shaz51 @Happyness @Former-Member @Former-Member

I did say a few days ago that I would respond to you all when I was more able - so here I am!

Yes it has been a really tough week. There is no denying that and no denying that I have not been coping for most of that week. I can't change what has happened, even though I wish I could.

I still have my head just above water and that, for the majority, is because of the support I have received on here.

It is really hard to get past the stress I caused so many and I really did not think that I would ever be able to come back on here. When it came to the crunch I really needed my 'forum family' and you guys have not only welcomed me back but have been a guiding light for me in the last few days when I have felt myself sinking again.

It is not only the responses and positive messages but also the simple things such as liking a post that tell me people are there, they are listening and they are supportive.

I know this coming week is also not going to be easy - I have a lot to deal with and a lot of decisions to make. I really am not in the best position at the moment to tackle all this but as some of you have said - one step at a time.

The first step is to see my GP this afternoon - actually tell her what has happened - deal with what comes - and try and find a way forward. This is going to be incredibly hard - not kidding myself that it won't be!

Tomorrow I need to go to work for the day for a professional development day. At this stage I feel I need to do this to see exactly where I'm at in regards to work - how will I feel being around the other people at work, how will I feel being back in the school environment and, probably most importantly, how will I feel being back in the area where there are so many triggers and traumatic memories.

I expect it to be incredibly difficult but I need to see how difficult it is and if there is any chance of me being able to return to work and being able to cope with the job (and the environment) at all. I can not start the conversations I need to have with people and make any decisions until I have done this.

So I suppose I am not only once again saying thank you to everyone for helping me get through the past week but also asking for the continued support over the coming week(s) to be able to navigate my way through my anxiety, depression and ptsd while trying to make decisions and find a way forward. I really am under no illusions that this is going to be an extremely difficult period and I am really scared about how I am going to cope, get through it, and be able to function effectively.

I don't often ask for help or support - but I am asking now (big step for me on it's own).

Thank you again everyone

Zoe