Am Not Coping

@utopia B**tards!!! They really have no idea how all this sh*t affects people

It really is the difference between living and surviving for some.

How dare they assume that just because you are 'better' that you haven't suffered from their mishandling of the whole situation and that were actually at fault.They just try to stretch it out and not fulfil their obligations - both monetarily and morally - the whole F***ing world revolves around money - where's the compassion, care for fellow (wo)man and humanity gone?

Please don't cry @utopia I've done enough of that for both of us lately - laughter is what is needed tonight

@Appleblossom It is a difficult position to be in because I know how much I give the kids and how much I get in return from them. Sometimes I do too much, give too much and get too involved in their lives but I believe that is why I have such a good relationship with all the kids - whether they are in my class or not. The other side is the stress and anxiety around all the 'teacher' stuff that isn't actually in the classroom teaching the kids - the 'paperwork' (which is mostly computer based), the meetings, the professional development days etc. There is so much more accountability and paperwork associated with it (and most can't be done at home anymore - it has to be done at school of the closed system). If I could bring that home where I was comfortable and felt safe I could deal with it much better. It's not necessarily the 'paperwork' - that's not hard to do - it's just the time it takes - and we still need to plan lessons that will both engage and extend our students- just NO TIME - especially when you are not 100% well.

I really admire @Former-Member for going back to work and getting through the whole year as she did - I don't know how she did it - it really is making me feel worse at the moment - don't think I'm going to be able to cope and don't want to get to the stage where I have to take time off and start all over again. Soooo conflicted - so worried about it.

Calm your breathing @Zoe7 ..... gently, gently ....

Calm breathing will help control your physical reactions and body chemistry ....

Its good to hear you expressing yourself .... anger, indignation ... but remember to return yourself to calm breathing in between ....

Hugs to you .... 💗

@Zoe7. Yes you found the right word to describe them.... B***ards..... lol. The system is so sick, it just keeps reinfesting me.... if you know what I mean. I start to get better.... management plan a meeting with no support for me, with different people, no.... it has to be at the hospital...where i am triggered.... no... you can't have the money you are legally owed..... just to see if we can mess with your head more.....

Laughs on them though....

I not only got better.... but I am surviving and growing and I'm a better and happier person than I was before they got sick... I've still paid my mortgage... a bit behind on the rates... but who cares.... food on the table.... my son is clothed and I find the money for his art and music and education and sport ..... and his growing feet... god shoes are expensive... lol.

So yes, they don't help. But as I said last night... I am the lucky one.. I got great therapists and I got the help I needed. I'll never be 100%. But I'm okay with that. Because I never plan to be that sick again either. I avoid triggers or what may be triggering (most of the time, if I can).. I try and lead a good life... I keep laughing and I keep loving. So all in all....

I win.

You will too @Zoe7. You now have a great gp and psychologist on your side. And you have friends/family here on the forum who will help and laugh and cry with you. So you are already ahead from where you were before. And yes, life has thrown a few curve balls your way recently... one after another... but you are still here.... you are getting there.... and tomorrow willl be easier than today... and the day after that will be smoother also.

Step by step as @Faith-and-Hope says.

hi @Zoe7

making decisions is when i struggle the most. Deciding anything when im low leaves me panicking, even what to have for dinner sometimes!

When i got really unwell, i did have to let msyelf be guided by what the hospital thought was best for me right then. My psychologist helped me to feel as though i could trust them enough to do that, just for then. And so after discharge from a month in hospital i ended up taking a full year off work. I felt like i'd lost myself though, that i wasn't anything without work... and so i went back last year. Because of financial situation mostly i did go back full time and struggled at times as you know.. i tried to organise part time this year, but hasnt happened because the back fill person pulled out last week.

I usually need some sort of a plan that i have to stick to to do things. but im a perfectionist and put too much pressure on myself sometimes.

Can you work out with your therapist/supports what you need right now.. sometimes making decisions is easier if it goes back to the basics of what is actually the highest priority of need.

@Zoe7. I need to log off SANE now and get things ready for my work this week. Make my bed. Iron my clothes -another chore I don't like doing. But sleeping in fresh sheets is heaven.

I'll talk to you tomorrow night. I hope everything goes smoothly tomorrow with your gp. Please be gentle with yourself tonight.

And I'm sure if you need an ear and support tonight, you only need to reach out and your fiends here will be available.

Sweet dreams.

Thank you my friend @utopia

You have been so wonderful to me and I really appreciate it- kept me going

Have a great day tomorrow.

Sweet dreams to you also

@Former-Member I really get the panic when low and having to make decisions - just makes me more anxious and less able to function. I think that is where I am at now and I don't have any idea on which way to go or what to do.

My situation is even more complicated because my mother also works at the same school and the school is in the town I grew up in - so many triggers, so much history and so many new things I have found out since I have been off work. Even driving up the highway my anxiety starts.

My dilemma is here that I don't know how I am going to cope with everything I now 'remember' and have actually acknowledged - but still haven't dealt with - and how this will effect me in the workplace - is it going to be too much to deal with, will I push it all aside again and just get by day by day until it is too much again or will it actually help me to confront my fears?

On the other hand - if I move schools (which is also an option) I will have to start again completely - and I really don't think that would be good for me at all. At least in my present workplace my colleagues are supportive, I know the system and the processes, I know the kids and the families (and all the little intricacies that they bring with them to school). I have a great rapport with the kids and I really like being around them.

My GP and psychologist both have had differing opinions on what would be best for me - but that was late last year so I will just have to see what they think now (especially when I tell them about this last week - really scared about that also).

I am also a perfectionist - think it comes with our sense of needing to be able to control what we can in our lives - so the thought of not being able to do my job to it's fullest and provide the kids with the best that I can for them to learn, to grow and to succeed is really weighing heavily on me.

I suppose I am also really scared that whatever is decided (by me, my GP and psych) will not be possible from the department and any decision will be taken out of my hands and I will feel even more disempowered than I do now. I have not had good experiences previously dealing with the department when I have not been coping very well so I am really hesitant in actually letting them know exactly what is going on and how I am really feeling.

Hope that makes sense!

What are your options at the moment for this year? And how are you feeling about going back to work?

Hi @Zoe7

wow... working at school with your mum must be both great and challenging at times. Is she supportive/know/understand the extent of whats going on for you at the moment with memories and such?

Our education systems are pretty much large organisations now and HR is fairly removed from humanity in a lot of cases... though i've been lucky to feel supported at a school level very well.

My psychiatrist has asked a few times if i wanted him to write a letter/would let him write a letter, but i havent because i don't want anything written down officially in my work file if that makes sense. I took initial sick leave when i first got ill then asked for special leave which was granted. Because of the complexity of my case with court against my ex i dont think they wanted anything written down anyway.

I think for me, with my ptsd stuff, and trying to deal with it all, cope with therapy, its probably better for me to be working or it all takes over and swamps me. I think working forces me to be thinking about something somewhat productive. But again, this is me, and you may be better at 'doing' the therapy work than i am. I think my therapist has said i tend to resist the hard stuff. im so scared of it. but if i was going to take time off again, i think it would be to really throw myself into trying to get better, measureably better and deal with some of the trauma that is just shadowing me everywhere.

i'm pretty scared of going to work tomorrow. always nervous meeting a new class. but maybe it will be good to 'start' something again. im still here/alive so gotta keep putting one foot in front of the other somehow.

lj

@Former-Member My mum has no idea about what is going on now or any of the trauma etc. She certainly wouldn't understand - she would be more focussed on herself - and how she was affected. She says she worries, cares and would help with anything but when it comes to the crunch she never actually listens, does what she thinks is 'best' (which is often exactly the opposite of what I ask for or need), she makes excuses for everyone and makes me feel like what I feel is not how I should be feeling, she is very negative and she won't just help without wanting something in return. So NO I don't have the best relationship with my Mum!!

I have had contact with our new HR Manager - she actually called me the other day to see how I was going - not ideal timely as you can imagine this week. Told her I would get back to her the middle of this week after I had seen my GP. I'm not allowed back untilI have been cleared by her anyway and she needs to state any conditions that we need to put in place - suppose this is where I will feel a bit like a failure if there are too many conditions and also will feel a bit judged in the eyes of the other teachers if I can't do all that the job entails.

I really understand about the 'official' work file stuff. I don't want any of my stuff written down anywhere either. It is very complicated also but if any of it actually 'got out' in my community there would be so many people impacted - both within the school community and in the wider community. This makes it really difficult to get through because I don't want to be responsible for so many people to be impacted - some of those people are really wonderful, happy people who I am very fond of.

I started to do some of the really hard stuff with my psych before christmas - it really did get too much and I wasn't coping. I know I need to continue because it has brought so much to the surface that I have previously pushed down but I really don't think I am in a place to deal with it right now. This is the other dilemma - I have more in my head now and more that I want to forget rather than remember but because of the work we have done already I don't think I can push it all aside and move forward.

I forgot that you guys go back a week before us! Does that mean you will be back full-time or are you still hoping the part-time situation can be sorted. I think part-time is probably my best options atm but really conscious of my financial position also - I know you get this bit - we have talked about it before.

oh gosh, @Zoe7 sorry to hear about the relationship you have iwth your mum. I was my mother's carer more than daughter. I had to pick up the pieces and everything that happened.. to me.. it was all about how it affected her. so very similar. she also wouldnt/couldnt protect me and never knew me really, only knew what she could get from me. I havent had any contact with her in a long time now.

I moved schools, transferred and i have felt in both minds about whether it was good or not. It was better in a lot of ways to have a fresh start (though that's just been completely destroyed) sigh. But its a bigger place and there are more opportunities for support for my kids (son has asd/reactive attachemnt disorder maybe...)

yes i'm going back full time. trying not to have a panic attack tonight. i think i'm ready for tomorrow and first week is a lot of relationship building as you know.