Zoe7Senior Contributor
Am Not Coping
I am really not coping at the moment but this is entirely on ME!
This is a message for a few people on here @utopia @Former-Member @Faith-and-Hope @Former-Member
that I asked could be passed on but it seems that only part of it has been and I understand from the responses that have made it through my emails that I have caused untold distress for some people. I was not going to return because of what I felt I put people through but I especially wanted @utopia and @Former-Member to know that they were not wrong at the time and I was going through a real crisis period. You both held me together for longer than I could myself until the point where my own self-destructive thoughts overwhelmed me.
The entire message that I sent to SANE is below:
I have just viewed the multitude of emails and messages sent from forum members and members of the SANE team – as well as the text and voice message left on my phone.
I have not been able to communicate with anyone since the other night as I have been recovering from what ended up being an unsuccessful attempt to end the pain.
At the time I was in a very distressed state and I did want to stop the pain and all I seemed to achieve is to cause others pain and worry and that is the last thing I wanted to do – I just wanted to end mine and say goodbye to everyone beforehand so my future absence was explained. I should have realised that the message I posted would have concerned some people but I really was not in any state to think about the repercussions for others.
I am so sorry I caused so much distress to others – that is something I will have to hopefully try and live with.
I don’t believe after the concern and anxiety I caused to so many that I will ever be able to return to the forum.
Can someone from the SANE team please explain all this to all those involved and pass on my gratitude for their compassion, concerns and kind words throughout the time I have been part of the ‘forum family’.
Thank you and sorry again for the difficult position I put everyone in.
Zoe7
I do not want any responses from any of you. I just wanted to let you know exactly what has happened and let you know how truly sorry I am for hurting people I have come to think of as friends and family, and who I really care about.
Your support, advice and compassion are what make you all the wonderful people you are.
@utopia and @Former-Member I am so sorry that the trust you placed in me has now been broken because of my actions. I also felt that we had a stronger connection, especially over the last week, and you both helped me in ways I cannot even describe or explain. I was not pulling away from you two - just wanted to pull away from myself. I couldn't cope with my own feelings and no-one or nothing was actually going to be able to stop me at the time. It's now just another failure to add to my list of failures. I really don't know what else to say to you both but to reiterate my heartfelt 'sorry'.
. Turtle always comes with me to sessions. One of the hardest things about NP is that the waiting room of the medical centre where she works is HUGE. I know that Turtle draws attention (he is a pillow pet, so he isn't particularly small) and I feel super self-conscious walking in and out of the waiting room with him. However I just tell myself that I'm weird...and that's ok 
Zoe
