Listening to triggering music

@Jynx leaving things to the last minute just stresses me out even more. It didn’t go well during my first semester this year. I can’t do an all nighters either and never have. I have gone without sleep before, bipolar can do that. But it usually does trigger a migraine, even if I get the adrenaline rush along with it and do too much, I eventually burn out.

I don’t think the girls like this boy cat. I feel like we get more cat girl visitors than boys. He can be a bit loud at times too. I’ve seen him fight with the girls too.

Sounds like you’ve had a chill day. Sometimes we need a chill day

@creative_writer yeah honestly by the sounds of it, having to manage the migraines alongside your energy and focus would definitely put a stick in the spokes!! I imagine that having this... lingering unknown of 'when am I gonna get side swiped by this next?' kinda thing would definitely be a big factor.

Oh no what a little trouble-maker!! You better watch out or YOU might end up with a litter of kittens under your house next!! 😋

@Jynx I tend to get more of the mixed mania than pure mania. I may have had a period of pure mania earlier this year for a few days, otherwise it’s been mixed. It does take a toil on you physically. Too much adrenaline is not good for the body. Hence, why many people crash afterwards.

I think the kitties are sprayed, haven’t seen many small cats in my neighbourhood. I’ve seen adolescent sized cats. He is a trouble maker for sure. More annoyingly, he thinks it’s okay to pee in the back and front yard. He may be arrogant, but nowhere near as much as Megan. Megan has the guts to hiss at humans

@creative_writer yeah totally, that many mixed signals gonna wreck ya!! I think you deserve some pretty mad props for coping with such a rollercoaster!

Oh that's good! Like as cute as they are, kittens are so much work haha. Aww lil Megan the kitty with CATTITUDE hehe love it 😋 Ever get to pat any of em?

@Jynx I do want to get to that point where I can say I’m in remission. It’s just hard for my symptoms to stay stable for longer periods of time. Sure I may have bouts when I’m doing better, but then the rough days make their way back in. I keep getting stuck. Maybe it’s burn out. Maybe it’s unresolved trauma. Maybe it’s lack of support.

A few of the cats have allowed me to pet them. Petting them is in itself relaxing. I’ve had cats trying to climb up me, I could feel their claws under my trousers

@creative_writer I can totally understand the frustration! I reckon that all of those things would be potential factors though. It's definitely not because of you, like it's not as if you're not doing the right things or not putting the work in - it's more circumstances!! Like that saying, 'You can't recover from trauma whilst still existing in the environment that caused the trauma in the first place.' I reckon you also gotta give credit to the fact that you're in a big transitional phase! Finishing up uni and thinking about next steps is huge! And that also means a big interruption to sense of routine which will throw any of us NDs all outta whack.

Aww yay, it's always lovely to get some scritches hey!! I hope you also get one purring on your lap some day... maybe not these kitties haha but there's something sooooo soothing about it! I wish I could purr....

I should say goodnight!! I hope the remainder of your weekend is super chill hun, and you can carve out a bit of time for rest and respite. You've more than earned it! 💜

@Jynx I hope you were able to rest up last night ❤️ . I think it's important to recognise circumstances. Like it's not realistic to do a lot because my spoons are just limited. I think a lot of people don't know the mental and physical toil of chronic mental health struggles and chronic physical pain. It does get frustrating that I am progressing very slowly. Someone can say, just bare you soul and open up instead of trying to keep it all. But how? How am I supposed to that? If living on guard is the only thing I've known. Reaching out for help is very hard. Maybe I'm being too demanding, I've reached out for support from different helplines, I've seen different therapists. The only helpline I find consistently helpful is SANE. Lifeline and SCBS is a hit or miss depending on who you get. I can't seem to feel comfortable with most mental health professionals either (I do recognise there are good clinicians out there). I find it hard to know what to when I'm struggling, they say contact a helpline like Lifeline and SCBS, but the risk of feeling worse makes me too scared to do it. I'm too scared to find a new psych because of past experiences of not being able to connect. Not connecting makes me feel worse than not reaching out for support. Maybe because I've felt misunderstood my entire life

hey @creative_writer just saw your last post and wanted to share some thoughts. it is hard, i wish i could click my fingers and make every crisis support in the world be absolutely perfect. it shouldn't have to be hard to get support, and i think that's what makes people so strong and brave - reaching out despite the challenges. i really wish we didn't have to develop 'strength' this way but regardless, it is something i admire about people who seek help. you reaching out to multiple services/therapists is never 'too much'. it's strength. thinking back to how the world used to be, people would live in tight-knit communities where they exchanged resources with each other, spent time together constantly, kids would literally be raised by a village, they all supported one another. and now we live in a world where 'independence' is prioritised, people move out, immigrant parents in particular tend to raise their kids without much help from others, etc. the human quality of asking for help feels uncomfortable in today's society but it that discomfort doesn't mean its not important. i know sometimes its harder to remember, but i do want to remind you, you deserve to be heard and seen 💜

also have you ever made a list of what you're looking for in a therapist/support? and was your previous psych that you connected with a person of colour?

@rav3n it's tricky, something that works for one person will not work for another. I grew up in the independent mindset, I learnt early in life many people don't know how to provide space for emotions. The years of being misunderstood and told to not be so sensitive can get easily triggered.

I don't think the therapist's cultural background matters as much as the human connection. When I first started placement, my supervisor encouraged me to normalise clients' emotions. It made me realise I did not get that normalising during my therapy session, I pretty much quit seeing my psychologist after placement. Maybe it sounds insignificant, but my whole life I've been told I'm too sensitive. There were few instances where I felt like I was not connecting with my psychologist. I think I'm ace, and I left the session feeling that sexual intimacy is at the core of a romantic relationship, which made me feel like just a mere object. When I spoke about how I thought I was overreacting and that my trauma was not a big deal, she said something along the lines to not make it a big deal. She said I tend to maximise and minimise my issues. She also asked how I would be able to tell if someone was overreacting, I just said who am I to judge, I don't live in someone's mind. Then she said something along the lines, that if someone is not able to function then it would be a problem. So essentially, if I have cptsd I am overreacting. Also years ago I was going through a very rough phase in life when i felt very suicidal. She told me to think about the consequences of suicide on other people because suicide causes people to go into therapy and changes therapists.

I have also been gaslit and blamed for my mental illness by another pdoc as well.

I just want someone to listen and not judge as my reactions and emotions as wrong. I have someone to counsellors before and have felt heard, so it does happen. Those counsellors take less of a clinical approach and provide me with the validation I need. I don't know if that is too much to ask

@creative_writer what you're asking for 100% is not 'too much'. honestly i think a lot of people look for that, myself included. validation is so freaking powerful.

there are definitely professionals you can give you that support, and i'm confident you'll be able to find them. so are you thinking of finding a counsellor soon instead? totally agree that everyone's support looks different, and i think what we want out of the session impacts that a lot too. sometimes people don't really want strategies, they just want a space to feel heard.

ugh i'm so sorry you were treated that way by professionals in the past, no one deserves to be dismissed and gaslit. i get why you feel skeptical about connecting with another professional. when i had an invalidating experience with a psych, i googled their clinic and realised i needed to switch clinics asap. the reviews on there were pretty bad, and the clinic vibes itself was just icky. do you research the clinic/psych beforehand? i feel like you can tell a lot about a psych/professional by the vibes of the clinic environment, reception, etc. it's like the clinic environment reflects the employees...or at least that's what i've noticed so far.