Listening to triggering music

@Jynx I’m going back home, I’m on the train. I’m intense lower abdomen pain. Not sure why. I do have my period but it should be my last day. At least I’ll be home soon. They were having an event after class for those graduating, but I am not well, nor do I have the social battery so I skipped it. I also have an assignment due tomorrow (I got an extension).

Adulting is hard. I set the goal of being less forgetful but I never really write a to do list. I have a notebook to plan things out, but if I can’t see it, it ceases to exist in my world.

I can’t say NDIS hasn’t crossed my mind. It has. But I just don’t know if I’m too high functioning for it. I would also need to get a normal ASD and ADHD diagnosis. It’s never been full formalised, like I’ve had a psych ask my parents about my developmental history and clinically interview me, but that’s about it.

Sometimes you can’t always not interact with people you connect with. Look I love my family, but I often feel disconnected. I know realistically I won’t make an effort to stay in touch with people unless I connect with them. I’ve lost contact with so many people, only because of a lack of connection

@creative_writer aww hun, sounds like a rough time! Our uterus kicking both our butts at the moment hey. I'm glad you're listening to your body's signals and opting out of the big sensory overwhelm of the crowds.

Yeah I feel that! I think my 'organisation' is spread across my phone, two notebooks, and a diary that I was using as a mousepad instead of, you know, as a diary. I think what I'm noticing is that my inability to dedicate time to keeping everything up to date in the diary means it becomes quickly unreliable as a source of info about what I have coming up. So I'm trying to do stuff on my phone more - purely cos it actually beeps at me when stuff is happening. It just irks me because for some reason my brain doesn't retain the info as well when it is in my phone - maybe writing it out physically does help it stick.

I dunno if it is working for you, but to me, the narrative of 'being less forgetful' feels like it is setting yourself up for failure. Not because I don't believe in your capacity to get organised, but because that's just... how our brains are. Making the goal 'be less forgetful' is kinda like making a goal of 'needing less sleep' - we just don't work that way. Having said that though, I think you can work on memory with like, little brain training games and stuff. I'm not saying memory is not something to work on. I'm cautioning against using it as the specific motivator - I think 'get more organised' is a lot more forgiving and has less chance of accidentally instilling shame if you fail to meet your own standards. My two cents anyway, you know yourself best!

Oh yeah deffo would need to get those formalised first. I'm thinking I might seek an ASD diagnosis before applying too, so it'll definitely be quite a while. Do you think your parents will be er.. for lack of a better word, compliant? I've had a couple of friends whose parents 'didn't believe' in ADHD/ASD and so when it came to providing info, were entirely unhelpful. I hope that's not something you'll have to navigate, but happy to help out however I can if it is.

Hmmm... what does 'feeling connected' look and feel like for you?

@Jynx not sure if it’s my uterus or my sensitive gut. Either way, not a great way to end the day.

Only thing is I’m not always good at getting organised. Though I am more likely to remember if I schedule it in my phone. I have double booked myself before, and have forgotten some
telephone appointments in the past.

ADHD isn’t on the list of approved disabilities for NDIS. Which is a shame. They are more likely to cover ASD, but if someone is level 1, not sure how that’s going to go down. Maybe they’re more likely to cover for BPAD and CPTSD. I think the idea of NDIS needs to be postponed to another time.

Yeah, my parents know I’m different, but they don’t consider me having a psychosocial disability.

I think it’s hard to feel connected unless I’m fully my genuine self. It’s about being able to feel free to be my authentic self and connect on a deeper level with others

@creative_writer yeah it absolutely baffles me that ADHD doesn't have the same 'level' system as ASD. Because I know I am definitely more disabled than some of my AuDHD friends. Sometimes feels like ADHD is not seen as a 'serious' disability - probably because we're all SO GOOD (i.e. have been forced) at masking so people just think we're functional. But yeah fair enough to postpone thinking about THAT energy sucking nightmare, I can't imagine filling out a million forms is a wise choice for ya right now 😅 One thing at a time eh?

I wonder... maybe we ought to kick off a topic about masking! I would love to do so with you now but I'm about to head off for the night. But it really does sound like it's a big factor for you maybe?

Hope you feel better and get a nice restful sleep tonight hun 🫂💜

@Jynx I hope you have been doing better 🫂💜. I think masking is a big thing part of my life and it exhausting.

It is hard masking today when I am being torn apart. Too scared to reach to a helpline in case it makes me feel worse. I have found them to be a hit or miss in the past. I get triggered if I feel like the person doesn't understand, it sounds stupid and insignificant, but it painful. I have been getting lots of dark thoughts, but I am safe for now

@creative_writer hey darlin, I'm sorry to hear that today is extra rough for you. Masking is indeed exhausting!! Do you have any time you can carve out for yourself to just be alone and decrompress this afternoon?

I totally get you! It makes such a difference, how the space is held, hey. Would you ever just hang up and try again straight away to see if you get someone who matches your vibe?

@Jynx the strong emotions have passed, can’t say I feel great, but I’m in a better headspace. Lack of sleep isn’t great for anyone. I’ve been resting up. I haven’t done anything uni related, feel a bit stressed because of it. It is very hard to get things done when one is spiralling into crisis mode. Now I’m too exhausted physically and mentally.

The assignments I recently completed were also on heavy topics. I wonder if that also impacted my mental state. I do want to get this degree over and done with so I can rest up and recharge. I really need some time off. I may have let my OCD thoughts get the better of me today, though I know I probably should be careful since my skin is already so dry and sensitive

@creative_writer when was the last time you took an entire day off from any and all things uni? I can understand the difficulty when the time pressures of assignments are lingering in the background... but that's what I mean whenever I say 'carve out time' - whilst it can be difficult to not be thinking about those stressors when trying to relax, sometimes putting a more semi-formal 'Today is my rest day' type narrative onto it, it might really help!

Ach that's rough, and yeah I bet the lack of sleep isn't helping. Be that much harder to rely on your inner resources to help you cope with the compulsions. What do you tend to do for coping tools when the OCD is kicking up? If a distraction could help I'm sure we could get caught up in a chat about any number of things 😁

@Jynx I don’t actually know when I last took a day off. I take the approach of doing a few hours at a time rather than cramming lots of hours in a few days. I get exhausted by afternoon.

Things like relaxing music, prayer, distraction-I watched some TV today, making a cuppa, I’ve also been trying out red light therapy which helps me relax and manage pain to some degree. The weather was nice today but pollen wasn’t good so I stayed home. I already have a migraine, the pollen won’t help. I do think greenery helps. The furbaby visitors also help. Though I do think the boy cat tries to hit on the girls 🤣.

Have you been up to much today?

@creative_writer oh I definitely didn't mean to imply that you can just shove everything to the last minute by having days off whenever you hit a wall! Haha even though that was kinda how I rolled, but I know that doesn't work so much for your brain. But you even said it yourself! You can't remember the last time you had just a single, whole day off!! I will absolutely factor in though that you're on the last legs of the journey so it also makes sense to just wanna get it done n done.

Aww that all sounds super lush! Teehee more kitty antics!! Haha do the girls just bap them away or what?

Not much today!! Had a little sleep in, sent some funny memes to some folks, the usual 😊