Listening to triggering music

@Jynx I find it really hard to find people I connect with. I’m too ND for a NT society.

I don’t think it’s fair to rely on someone to fulfill all our needs. It would be very exhausting. All relationships have a place. You know the saying it takes a village to raise a child.

I’m making slow progress on assignment work. Can’t say I’m not stressed, but I’m learning that I can only do my best, it’s hard when you have very perfectionist expectations of yourself

@creative_writer aye I know the feeling. I unfortunately don't have any tips on finding ND folks other than what I did... I went to lots of doofs haha. They also call em 'music and lifestyle festivals' and they are a feast for the senses, so it seems to attract a lot of ND folks. I think you could also find plenty of ND folks amongst nerdy subcultures - you got any big nerdy interests, like fantasy/sci-fi, video games and comics, or anything like that? Another thought I had was around looking for a workplace that has a very openly ND-oriented staff. I wish I had any other way of phrasing that but brain no wanna cooperate and I think you get my meaning 😅 But yeah in terms of being able to start making some solid connections, maybe have a think about the things that get your lil ND brain all excited and go find others who get excited about the same stuff.

That saying is like, such a big part of my value system! Honestly I think one of THE WORST ideas to ever permeate our society is the 'nuclear family'. Not just because of how cisheteronormative it is, but because it places the burden of raising a family only on the parents, and not something that the whole community ought to be pitching in for. And then...forgive me if I am wrong on this, always happy to be corrected but - cultures like yours are less wrapped up in the 'nuclear family' model, but that there's still a lot of rigidity in I guess like, the 'approved' type of partner you're supposed to have. But in both cases, there is a particular idea of what 'family' is supposed to look like.

You ever read the book 'The Four Agreements'? I think you could benefit from it. I've thought about doing a post on it, cos it helped me so much. It's basically a book about these four 'agreements' or like, dedicated practices I guess, that you can build into your life. Anyway, the fourth agreement is 'Always do your best' (the other three are 'Be impeccable with your word'; 'Don't take it personally'; and 'Don't make assumptions'). The thing they talk about though is that your best looks different every day. Your best when you're sick might be being able to get out of bed to make food. You can't hold yourself to the same standards when you're unwell, and the same is true of anything impacting our focus, attention, energy levels, or mood.

So like, at the moment if you're trudging through the trenches of burn out, your 'best' is going to look very different to when you're refreshed and sufficiently resourced. It's not about relaxing your standards or settling for achieving less than what you're capable of. It's more about being able to alter our expectations of ourselves when we recognise there may be factors limiting our capacity.

@Jynx I do feel ND naturally gravitate to other NDs. My ND friend was saying the same thing. I suppose it is about joining in special interests. Creative writing might be my thing.

I feel like there should be a middle ground, where families aren’t cut off but relatives aren’t overly involved either. It’s common for people in my culture to get overly invested in their children’s lives. Children still need independence and autonomy to make their mistakes or do things differently.

I often feel like I’m stupid. I know you shouldn’t make comparisons, but I feel like other people manage to study and work at the same time. I struggle to just study. I’m way too drained after a few hours of studying, I have to take the later part of the day off to recover. I function better in the morning, by afternoon I’m exhausted. I’m extra exhausted today since I had a therapy session with my SANE counsellor. Therapy in itself is also hard work. I also had to go to the doctors and pick up eye drops. Moral of the story is eye touching stimming is not good for eyes

@creative_writer oh for sure, creative writing is a fantastic lil way to connect! I would totally attend a lil creative writing club, I wonder if they even exist... 🤔

Aye I agree entirely, a middle ground sounds much more sustainable. Where family members get involved to help out, not to sticky beak or try to push the kids into doing or being something they're not!

To me, stupidity is not about capacity. Stupidity I equate to willful ignorance. Or in other words, if you simply haven't come across information, that's luck. If you have, but choose not to take it on board, that's pretty stupid.

Also, you're exactly like I am. I nearly imploded doing just two subjects, placement, and volunteering once a week. I had to stop volunteering as soon as I started up here too, which made me quite sad, but the relief was needed. You're not stupid for having a brain wired for something other than 'the hustle'.

Oh no, big ouch!! Eye stimming? Like using your hands or you can make your eyes do funny wiggles or something? My big 'woopsie' stim is chewing my lips and cheeks. That can get all sorts of icky... 😅

@Jynx I’m sure they exist somewhere. I think unis has them, there will probably be creative writing clubs outside uni too.

I get fussed over getting the top grades. If I fall short, I tend to be hard on myself. My attention span makes me feel stupid. I’m so burnt out, I’m just surviving at this point.

I’ve been wanting to volunteer but never got around it. My emotional load is high right now. Lately I’ve been noticing body discomfort sensations creeping up at times. My body is processing what my brain can’t.

I got an infection after touching my eye too much. It hasn’t fully cleared. Got some eye drops today. I used to chew the inside of my cheeks, I don’t anymore. I just did it. Did you do the ear stimming too as a kid? I would block the noise with my fingers and then move my fingers away and repeat

@creative_writer I can totally understand the frustration that comes with having a crappy attention span. It's rough. I don't believe there's any point in trying to stop feeling that frustration, I think you have every right to feel that way. Maybe what could help is a bit of narrative reframing though, you reckon? Cos thinking of yourself as stupid for something you have no control over isn't going to make that thing go away. What's that quote, "You can't shame yourself into a version of yourself that you can love." Sounds like maybe there's some internalised stigma there, but what do you think?

Have you ever done any somatic therapy? I wonder if that could be helpful in exploring/managing these bodily sensations?

Oh ouch, you poor dear!! Haha yeah I did that! Ach, when stimming comes back to bite us, eh?

@Jynx it’s harder to pay attention when you are burnt out too. Maybe there is internalised stigma. It’s hard not to internalise when people just say try harder. I am already struggling with what I’m already doing. Doing other things on top of uni feels too hard even though other people can do it. Like how am I suppose to be applying for jobs, volunteering or working or having a social life and going out if I’m chronically fatigued, achy and stressed?

I haven’t tried somatic therapy but have considered it. I’ve only done EMDR.

Stimming is okay and healthy when done it a way where it doesn’t cause any harm. But some of my stims aren’t very helpful

@creative_writer I also think it's a lot harder to detangle yourself from that stigma when you don't have many other ND folks around you. There's something to be said for the relief of being able to take these stories to other ND folks - these stories of being told to try harder or being told you're lazy or not focused or motivated enough - and be able to laugh at how ridiculous and ignorant it is. When everyone around you has this one particular narrative, and you don't have a safe space to work through it/find alternative ways of thinking... well unfortunately humans are prone to believing things when we hear them over and over. Even if we know on some level it's not true, our brains look for that real world evidence and if you don't have a way to continuously challenge the dominant narrative, it makes it really hard to not be swayed by it. And that has nothing to do with you being you, and everything to do with how our brains work.

Yeah other people can do it. Other people don't have to wade through six miles of brain fog, other people don't have the working memory of a goldfish, other people don't have brains that skip off into the void whenever it's time to get stuff done... and other people haven't had to walk the path of life that you have. Other people may appear to be in similar circumstances to you but they will never be in the same circumstances as you, because they are not you. Darling, whether you see it or not, you are doing SPECTACULARLY. Don't forget to look back every now and then at how far you've come 😊

@Jynx I feel like we are constantly misunderstood. My pdoc was like you’re trying really hard, it did give me some comfort hearing that. I once had a pdoc who essentially said the opposite thing. I think it’s hard for NT to understand how hard it can be. We live in a society with a lot of competition and our worth is measured by our output. I don’t really have much work experience, I do have some, but not as much as many others do. It kind of puts me in a bit of a disadvantage in a way and it’s frustrating. I haven’t been employed more than a few months during my adult life. I have some volunteer and placement experience, but so do many other people.

People don’t always get how lonely things can be. The most painful loneliness for me is having people around you that I can’t connect with. Trying to hide the emotional load and burn out is a lot of work. I find myself want to pretend I don’t get uncomfy body sensations, but it’s been coming up for me, it can be hard to filter out

Hiya @creative_writer how's your Thursday going?

I can totally feel you on that one. I think that's also partially why it took me a while to really accept that my ND is a psychosocial disability. Took time to really understand that, and be able to accept that my capacity to 'keep up with the Joneses' is just not there; I'm never going to live a life that looks the same as the majority, and that's okay.

But it does still get to me! Less so with work, I think I've found nice balance there... but all the other bits? Taxes and rego and bills and rent and taking my car in to get serviced and maintaining social connections and doing my daily exercise and mindfulness and doing endless piles and piles of laundry and dishes and ALL OF IT IS TOO MUCH 😵

I'm thinking about getting NDIS for this reason, ever thought of looking into it for yourself? I think for me, just having some kind of external structure to keep me on track would make all the difference.

Just out of curiosity... these people you can't connect with. If you already know they're not your people, why do you owe them your masking? If it doesn't matter whether they reject you or not, you owe them zero of your energy just to protect their 'comfort', right?