creative_writerSenior Contributor
Listening to triggering music
Why do I keep doing this to myself?
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Listening to triggering music
656 replies
In response to: Listening to triggering music
creative_writerSenior Contributor
Re: Listening to triggering music
I have difficulty reaching out for help. I feel like if I do I am inadequate and ill equipped to manage my own shit. I always seem to focus more on what I am lacking, and how I mess up things. The trauma isn't the only thing that broke me, but the lack of support did not help. I was looking through content last night about how people who experience trauma end up passing trauma down to others. While my mum's intention was never to hurt me, but her trauma was passed onto me. She never knew how to reach, and was never taught how. My dad was also so clueless. My mum had her emotions invalidated over the years, so invalidated my emotions growing up. I kept it all in for years because I thought that is what they wanted me to do, and they always gave me the impression people were not trustworthy. It felt pointless talking to them about it because I got nowhere. I know they weren't equipped and it's not their fault. A part of me feels bitter about them not being there for me
In response to: Re: Listening to triggering music
creative_writerSenior Contributor
Re: Listening to triggering music
Maybe I'm too much, I'll shut up
In response to: Re: Listening to triggering music
Ru-beeModerator
Re: Listening to triggering music
Hey @creative_writer you're certainly not too much.
This idea of intergenerational trauma and how your parents have played a role in how you process and express your emotions is a really interesting one to explore. We learn so much from just watching and interacting with our parents, and sometimes we don't even realise how much we have internalised, and how much this has affected our beliefs about the world and ourselves. Also that comment about not blaming them, but also wishing they'd been able to support you and feeling bitterness about that is so valid. Just because we understand and can empathise doesn't mean we can't have our emotions, and I'm glad that you've been able to express some of yours here.
I think one of the big factors in disrupting the cycling of passing trauma down is awareness. Being aware of your own trauma and how it manifests in you and how it can affect those around you. I don't know if it would be possible to leave a kid completely unscathed - is there such a person whose parents didn't mess them up in some way? But I think it can minimise the impact. Maybe I'm just rambling at this point, what do you think?
I do think that your ability to reach out and express yourself here, and to reflect on such things shows real strength, courage and insight.
In response to: Re: Listening to triggering music
creative_writerSenior Contributor
Re: Listening to triggering music
@Ru-bee humans are messy. Even when people have the best intentions, their trauma can affect their interactions with others. It takes time and skill to develop self-awareness. If I was to have kids, I would be mindful of how my own trauma plays out.
I have been feeling emotions weighing heavy on me lately. Maybe it’s also physical exhaustion. It’s hard not to second guess myself and feel like a failure
I have been feeling emotions weighing heavy on me lately. Maybe it’s also physical exhaustion. It’s hard not to second guess myself and feel like a failure
In response to: Re: Listening to triggering music
Ru-beeModerator
Re: Listening to triggering music
Those are some tough thoughts to be wrestling with @creative_writer Has something been going on lately that's been causing you to feel more exhausted?
In response to: Re: Listening to triggering music
creative_writerSenior Contributor
Re: Listening to triggering music
@Ru-bee probably because I’m approaching the end of my social work course. I just have one assignment to go. I also had an interview today and feel like I’ve messed up. I feel like a failure despite almost being a social work graduate
In response to: Re: Listening to triggering music
Ru-beeModerator
Re: Listening to triggering music
Ah, that's a stressful time @creative_writer
I think it's natural to question or doubt yourself when coming to end of a course and starting to try to pursue, or even just think about jobs in that area. I don't think people talk about it very much but I know that after I finished my degree even though I was relieved, I also really questioned myself and had some big questions of confidence. I think this is a time where it's really important to practice gentleness with yourself
In response to: Re: Listening to triggering music
creative_writerSenior Contributor
Re: Listening to triggering music
@Ru-bee I’m just feeling frustrated with myself. It’s very competitive in the real world, for not be able to answer questions properly make me feel like a failure, regardless of how it is perceived by others. Maybe I’m just in a bad mood today. I’ve been struggling a lot lately
In response to: Re: Listening to triggering music
creative_writerSenior Contributor
Re: Listening to triggering music
In order to heal, I need to find a therapist I feel comfortable with. It’s interesting how I have felt more comfortable with my SANE counsellor compared to psych🤔. Though my sessions are ending soon, I need to find a new psych and that process is stressful 😬. But OCD and thoughts about trauma have been loud. I feel gross 😢 and I can’t shake it off. I feel like a waste of space. Uni burn out has affect my MH. I have one assignment to go, but my brain hasn’t been braining today, I need it to be finished by Monday. Yet, here I am worrying about the future and ruminating over the past
In response to: Re: Listening to triggering music
tymeModerator
Re: Listening to triggering music
It sounds like your brain is stuck on this hamster wheel and you can't find your way out??? @creative_writer
I can see that the more you ruminate, the louder the thoughts become.
What can you do to make a difference?
