Never being in a relationship

@rav3n

I am not sure I agree with the last part. I think being in a relationship is an integral part of what makes us human. I know some people who have given me feedback on things I never would have known about if I was just on my own. I dont think you are less worthy for not being in a relationship but I dont like the way we talk about them as a 'bonus'. You have to work really hard to make them work and to be in healthy relationships and I dont like this narrative of they just pop into your life. It is really invalidating for people like me who are trying extra hard to be in one. I feel like the 'you cant love others unless you love yourself' mine has become incredibly toxic now and I think is doing more harm than good because it is completely overriding the fact that we need external love to function too.

If you know me in real life you will see that I am ready. I have been ready for a few years now. It is the state of people today who have no patience and no resilience that makes it hard. No one has any idea of how to build a relationship these days.

i apologise for coming across as invalidating your experiences and feelings @Former-Member i definitely had no intentions of doing that, my intentions were rather to challenge some thought patterns. but i can see that they've come across in the wrong way, really sorry for that.

by saying relationships are a 'bonus' i was not saying they are not important. they 100% are, and not just romantic ones - friendships, family, etc., have massive impacts on who we are as humans. i meant that they are a 'bonus' in the sense that our self 'worth' shouldn't be determined by it but having a relationship is a bonus to it. every person is born with inherent worth just by being born and breathing. but unfortunately, life throws curveballs at us that make us feel like we are 'unworthy' (even though we very much are). there are people who have never had relationships and there are people who have had plenty, but both are 'worthy'. hope that clears up what i was saying? i 100% think relationships are important in your life, but shouldn't be the reason for deciding your worth as a human being. and if you still disagree, that's okay, i'm always open to hearing your point of view and your side to things.

and i wonder, what makes you think you're ready to date? also just to be clear - i'm genuinely asking these questions to understand you and what you're looking for. if you don't want to answer any of these questions, that's totally fine too.

@rav3n

It's okay, I just want to make sure that I assert how I am feeling because I feel like this is an area that we can be too dismissive on.

I feel like as a social species, we need them to thrive. I honestly believe it is one of the reasons why people are struggling so much today. Because we are told that we need to be almost perfect before entering a relationship and I dont believe that is actually possible. Sometimes, the only way we truly find ourselves is through relationships and I personally believe that there is a part of myself, a romantic part, that I have had to actively suppress for years because women dont give me a chance. That part of me is suffering and currently in the process of dying.

If you met me in real life, you might be surprised on how calm, logical and erudite I am. I only really come here to rant when I am really struggling but for the most part I am rationale, attentive, and think through things a lot (some of things I have listed I wouldn't have genuinely known unless someone told me). I know people who are complete messes who are not struggling to form relationships at all so if they are ready, then I as sure am.

@Former-Member that's totally fair. i want you to feel heard too.

i hear you with how important connections are. and you bring a good point - when you look at how things were centuries ago or across other civilisations, the idea of a 'it takes a village to raise a child' was given a lot importance. support from neighbours, communities, etc., was much bigger but now we're in a society that values independence more. it has both its pros and cons as well.

i'm have no doubt that you have a great personality! and you make a good point about how people who may be struggling/a mess can also get into relationships, but those people often do struggle with maintaining a healthy one. i'm obviously hoping a healthy and safe relationship finds you, not just 'any person' but someone who's worked on themselves and can provide you everything you're looking for.

@rav3n

I agree wholeheartedly with your first point. I dont think people really understand how harmful this whole "independence movement" is actually going. I genuinely think it is a massive threat to humanity with surrounding hyperbolic. I think you get a lot out of being with others and mixing it in with a healthy dose of alone time.

But sometimes these people manage to keep them afloat for ages. I cant get past the first date (if I get to go on one). I dont get it.

Hey @Former-Member ,

In my eyes, I'd rather wait and find the 'perfect' person than have anyone who I later can't live with.

Maybe it's not about comparing yourself to your school mates?

When I used to compare myself to school mates, I got so depressed. I felt they were moving on in life. They got married, had kids, travelled, had a career etc... and guess what? They did it all early. Now, do you know what they've got to show for it? Divorce paperwork.

The fact that your relative mentioned they couldn't understand why you are single actually tells me they see you have a lot of qualities. (That's my interpretation yesterday).

I was brought up quite conservatively. I was typing what they taught me, but upon second thoughts, this may not be the place to share.

Since I'm interstate at the moment, I met someone who is now in her 50s. She waited and waited and waited. She was in her late 40s before she got married. Her son just turned 6.... imagine that.

Anyway, I just hope something changes for you - at the perfect time.

@tyme

I do hope something changes for me soon.

I have had a couple of chats with others fall flat and today was the day I decided to stop talking to them. So I am very much in the heightened phase of my rejection dysphoria.

I just dont think I will ever feel satisfied until I am in one. I hate this feeling.

I hear that @Former-Member , and I can see how hard it is to live with not getting the one thing you think will give you the lift that you need.

I really wish you the best in your endeavours. I can't say more than that because I don't know where you could meet people. For me, I've mainly met people at church. But I can see that people can meet at places of interest such as clubs, places of study, public transport, meeting people who know other people etc...

Who knows what your future holds?

@tyme

Maybe, or maybe I will be dead soon, who knows?

Me too @Former-Member .

No one knows how long they will live for. But how you live it? That's a different story.

To me, I feel the black dog is just so big. And each one of these thoughts is feeding the black dog so that it overtakes all else. I know you feel having a relationship is 'the answer'... but my fear is, what happens if the relationship comes and the realisation hits that it's not the answer to what you are feeling?

Who knows?

I wish I could say much much more, but I don't want you to feel upset, invalidated or hurt even more. I'm sorry.

As I say, I hope change comes to you soon.