Never being in a relationship

Hi @tyme

we finish on the 20th of December. This week is technically the last week of classes and then next week is preparing for next year.

Mentally I am all over the place, I am taking tomorrow off as I am absolutely exhausted and am in the midst of a depressive episode.

Awww hun @Former-Member .

So sorry to hear how exhausting things are. I can only imagine how stressful it is to battle all these thought everyday, and then have to put on a brave face at school.

Rest up. Allow this emotional dip to pass.

Do you have therapeutic supports in place?

@rav3n @Jynx

That's Rosie 🙂

@tyme I dont really to be honest, I kind of tell the truth that it will just be a small one this year.That tends to be every year though whereas other people I know have these big Christmases every year which makes me feel sad.

@tyme

I dont at the moment, I am trying to save money.

The students would have absolutely no idea, I pretty much save up all energy with them and then crash later.

Very cute @Former-Member .

As for Christmasses, maybe you are just around people are not like-minded.

I hear you have very Christmassy people around you, but I can assure you that a lot of those around me do not celebrate Christmas at all - including me.

Don't be so hard on yourself. You are not 'faulty' or 'wrong'.

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@Former-Member wrote:

@tyme

I dont at the moment, I am trying to save money.

The students would have absolutely no idea, I pretty much save up all energy with them and then crash later.

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You're not alone!

It's like putting on that mask and when you get home, it's those closest to you who really see it. That was my case anyway.

What hurt me the most was when those I was living with said, "You can control it at school, so why don't you do the same at home?" It was as though I was putting it on....

If they knew the hell I was going through, I'd understand I don't choose to be down.

@tyme

I am sorry that you went through that. It is completely condescending and shows no empathy at all. I dont understand how others can just flippantly say comments like that. I do understand how you feel when people say things like that and it just makes you feel ever smaller and worse than before.

It is the same thing when I discuss how I am trying to work on myself and be in a relationship and the comment I have received in the past is "its not that big a deal why do you even want to be in one?" This comment is often very condescending and has always come from a specific group of people, people in relationships. It is actually incredible to see. I even had a friend years ago who was similar to me in terms of never thinking he would ever be in a relationship.

Guess what happened once he got in one? He became insufferable and unbearable to be around and would routinely dismiss all concerns I had.

You mentioned earlier that you stayed home from work. Did you get to rest up @Former-Member ?

But yeah.. that's life. Can't stop people talking. Can only work on how we respond to it.

@Former-Member aww hi Rosie!! I love her what a cutie!!

Seems I'll be having a small xmas too my friend - was gonna go up to stay with fam but the flights were just bonkers expensive. I now have no plans for the day, and I have legit been struggling with the notion of 'not doing anything' - not because I think it's wrong, but because there still feels like this pressure to do something with people...

Like on xmas day when my family wants to video chat, I can just picture them giving me this pitying 'aww you're all alone this xmas? Why? Where are your friends? Didn't you make any plans?' And I know they will mean well, but it will still make me feel all ick, even if I was actually content to just chill at home alone!!

Ach anyway that's my ramble, how are you going?

@tyme

I did get a break only until this afternoon and now I am upset again. Nothing in particular triggered it, it's just my brain doing its natural thing. Now I am spiralling again.

@Jynx

I know, I dont get the fascination over Christmas. That feeling died when I left school. I am not the target demographic so why should I care? It is really a lack of empathy and no attempt to understand at all.

I am spiralling because I am trying to better myself in the dating scene and finding that potentially I am just too by the book. I think the reason why narcissists, sociopaths and psychopaths can find it easy in the dating scene because they dont believe the normal rules of social etiquette do not apply to them. They know they have to skirt around them but its probably what gives them their "confidence" and "charisma" because they just go for it, rather than waiting for permission.

Whereas I am someone that needs time to grow with someone else and I dont believe that is really afforded in this day and age. Particularly from a male perspective, we are expected to lead and take the initiative and that makes it unfair for people like me who need time first. I subscribe to the social contract and therefore I probably come across as "boring" and "plain" in the initial stages and therefore get rejected all the time.

I wish my brain was wired differently, I honestly hate how my brain acts and thinks about things.