Never being in a relationship

@Jynx

I do believe that there have been times where I haven't been all in on using my sense of humour. I have rectified that now and will go for it rather than wait. The one thing I have never backed down on is music, I am always keen to talk about my music but you would be surprised over the lack of interest in it. I heard someone say that due to guitar music not being as popular as it used to be that me playing guitar really isn't that attractive anymore.

I have heard it is a numbers game but I dont see a lot of women anyway so based on the numbers I am going through, logically it will never happen.

I am trying to find my community but it has been soul destroying this year:

• I started a few groups (table tennis, music, peer group) that went nowhere and I was down a bit of money in the process.
• I joined a few groups (beyblades and gaming) but it felt too cliquey and I felt hopelessly out of my depth).
• I am trying to get into volunteering (hopefully start next weekend)
• Tried to find some history groups but there aren't any. Only place would be to just go to a museum and hope someone just walks through the door on the same day and time as me.

I feel very disheartened because I am trying to find things to do and nothing works out. Then people suggest thats what you should do and I feel like I am failing somehow.

@Jynx @Ru-bee

This is where I feel really bad sometimes because I dont want you both to think I am shutting you down. I am not, I am just trying to express that I have been trying all these things for years and have gotten nowhere.

Unless it is something specific, like a specific history group that meets every second weekend, assume I have tried it. Any general advice, I can assure you I have tried it and nothing has come of it. That's why I get so angry and resentful because I am genuinely trying and I am getting nothing out of life.

My life is so unsatisfying and thats why I feel like maybe a relationship is not in my future. I still remember the words my therapist said to me years ago:

"You are just going to have to accept that you will die alone and no one will ever love you".

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@Former-Member wrote:

I still remember the words my therapist said to me years ago:

"You are just going to have to accept that you will die alone and no one will ever love you".

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Okay first of all, I am REALLY SORRY this was said to you. Especially the second part. That's despicable treatment of a fellow human being, let alone from a mental health professional. That kind of thing is bound to have had lasting impacts on your psyche. And unfortunately our beliefs often end up manifesting - i.e. the narratives we hold in our minds shape our reality. If there's even a part of you that believes this therapist was right, it's going to make it that much harder to actually make a connection.

To put it bluntly, it's likely that if you believe no one will ever love you, then unconsciously, you will make it impossible for anyone to break through that belief. That's how it was for me. Kinda like this:

(Not saying you hate yourself or that this is directly applicable to your situation; moreso the fact that our self-concept can interfere with our ability to be open to others' attempts to connect with us, because it is in direct opposition to our unconscious beliefs).

I gotta head off, chat to you next time 😉

@Jynx

I dont want to sound blunt but if you have been working on yourself for over 10 years, have seen no improvement in your romantic life (yet others have), and you still keep going through these cycles, how else am I meant to feel? I have tried backing away completely and just doing my own thing and that worked for a while in that I was just doing what I wanted to do, it didn't change my romantic life at all.

Even you said that you started to work on yourself, you noticed changes. So what am I doing wrong?

@Jynx That's just made me feel even worse and more hopeless than I have ever felt. I AM TRYING SO HARD AND NO UNDERSTANDS ME OR GETS ME. EVERYTHING I SAY OR DO IS THE WRONG THING I AM SO SICK AND TIRED OF BEING INVALIDATED AND TOLD THAT WHAT I AM FEELING IS WRONG.

HOW ELSE AM I MEANT TO FEEL?!?!?!

Hey mate @Former-Member ,

Hearing you.

What do you think will be helpful in this moment?

@tyme

I honestly dont know anymore. I really dont know, I feel like coming on here will make me feel less alone and not stuck with my thoughts. I do want some kind of practical solution to help me in the real world.

The phrase "work on yourself" or other ones that are semi related just feel like vapid platitudes and cliches. I have been working on myself for years and will continue to do so.

My whole life has just been surviving. I had to survive school because I struggled to make friends there, I had to survive uni because I struggled to make friends there, I had to survive all the various parties and social events I go to because no one cares about me or bothers to notice me, I have had to survive at work because I only have enough energy to do my job and barely any for anything else.

I have also had to compensate for the fact that for most of my life I have had a pragmatic language deficit, undiagnosed ADHD, an inability to pick up social cues, auditory and visual processing issues, and selective mutism.

And yet I keep hearing the phrase "just keep working on yourself", "if you think you will never be in a relationship then it won't happen".

Can people please first acknowledge all the work I have put into myself. How much harder do I have to work? Any harder and I will put myself into an early grave. I do not want to hear it anymore. I feel so deflated because of all of the above, but no I am doing everything wrong and I shouldn't feel how I feel because it is putting people off you. Well, I dont know how else to feel.

I hear your struggles @Former-Member I honestly do.

It sounds so hard to be 'trapped'.

I hear how much you have been trying. I've been in that place of just not fitting in. Relationships were just not my thing.

However, I hear how much you value them, and I don't want to discredit that.

I hope you find a way through.

@tyme

well there is only one way out of feeling trapped.

Is that really want you want @Former-Member ?

Is it worth giving up all the things you DO have?