Never being in a relationship

@Jynx @rav3n @tyme @Ru-bee

I feel like I am completely stuck. I dont know what to do or where to go. I am so lost and so confused. My issue stems from the fact that I think people keep missing the point of where I am struggling. I dont want to sound rude or dismissive, because I am not, I just want to make this point.

When people try to help, I feel like they are trying to put a bandaid on a broken bone. I have had solutions recently, and in the past, suggest that I should think about dating causally, non-monogamously, date neurodivergents etc. and I think they are not getting the issue. For one, I am not fundamentally against any of these ideas but where do you start with any of them? How do you date causally or non-monogamously? Do you put it in your dating profile? I dont understand how you would even get into any of these?

The main issue I struggle with is that I cannot get past a first date. Would that change if I dated casually or non-monogamously? How would it change? Why would it change? Would I be doing something differently if it was to change?

I need to know why these first dates are not working. I am fed up with it all and I need help on this area. I have sought help before through dating coaches and the like, some ripped me off over the paltry sum of 2000 dollars so I dont have a lot of faith with them.

I am sick and tired of hearing stories of women chasing after terrible, awful men who manipulate, cheat, and take no accountability and responsibility for their actions or any children that come out of that relationship. It makes me so sick with anger and hopelessness.

I really would like the above questions answered. That's where I think a lot of single people struggle with. What the hell are we doing wrong and what can be done to change it?

@Jynx @rav3n @tyme @Ru-bee I need help please. there has to be something I can do. I hate how inaccessible this area of life is. it makes me feel so sad

@Jynx @rav3n @tyme @Ru-bee

I do appreciate everyone's support and I dont want to sound like I am invalidating any of it. I just feel like as a society we can do better and we can improve this area of life. I am not convinced that society is aware of how big an issue this is. this is why there are incels because people in this position feel like they have been abandoned by society and no one cares about them.

I'm wondering @Former-Member on the dates you have been on, are they generally with people who you are just meeting for the sole purpose of going on the date, or are they sometimes people who you already know?

I know that for me going on dates with people that I didn't already know has always been a pretty terrifying prospect. I'm a naturally shy person and find it hard to connect with people and be myself until I get to know them a little better, which meant that dating never felt like it was made for me. Any relationship I've had has instead stemmed from a foundation of a friendship with people from school or work or mutual friends. That's always been important to me because it gives me time to start to get to know the person without the pressure of there needing to be this instant "spark" because we were just building a friendship.

I wonder if this is an approach you've tried before? It can be a bit of a roundabout way to do things because you're not specifically looking for anything romantic initially, but the really big positive is that even if it doesn't turn into a romantic connection, there's still a friendship.

@Ru-bee

I 100% agree with you and ideally I would like that as well. I find the whole dating scene incredibly awkward and confusing would prefer the process of friends first before that.

Unfortunately, due to the nature of my job, I find it hard to get out meet people. I feel like there are some meetup groups out there that are not really functioning at all. I have tried to go to a few this year (even started my own) to build some more social connections. It hasn’t quite worked out well for me.

I do have one friend that is a woman but I would prefer is to stay friends because we get on great as friends and I wouldn’t want to ruin that friendship. We are very close and share everything together.

Everyone at my work seems to be in a relationship so there are slim pickings here too.

That's really lovely to hear about your friendship, sounds as though they are a great friend to have @Former-Member

Have you looked into different clubs or groups in your area that focus on an interest or hobby of yours? For example, I'd been feeling a little socially isolated recently and am wanting to meet some more people in my area but work mostly from home, so I've been looking into groups that meet up regularly and am planning to join a running club and maybe a knitting group. I feel like groups like that can be good ways to meet people because you've already got an interest in common to get the conversation started. Have you ever looked into anything like that?

@Former-Member one thing that used to trip me up constantly (which I sorta touched on in some of my earlier posts, about how people could sense my desperation no matter how laid back and easy going I managed to mask as) was that as SOON as there was ANY hint of a relationship having potential for a romantic connection, I would get in my own head about it. Without noticing, my behaviour changed, I became more anxious and shy and started really overcompensating for my own perceived shortcomings. As an example, I thought I texted too much, so I would just not text them all that often even though it drove me INSANE because I just wanted to talk, to connect.

Suddenly I wasn't being me anymore, I was trying to play the role of what I thought people were supposed to be when in a relationship.

When you're out on dates, how much time are you spending focused on controlling your own behaviours, on masking, on doing 'the right things', vs. how much of the time are you present, attentive, and losing yourself in the enjoyment of the moment?

@Jynx

I honestly dont think I change that much when I go on a date as opposed to being with friends. I think I do get a bit shy and introverted but nothing too out of the ordinary. The problem is that I am a naturally introverted person who struggles with social stuff. I literally have a neurological condition that makes the small talk/early part very hard for me. That's a big thing people are not acknowledging because they wouldn't know that about me.

I did go on a mock date with someone once and they said that, while expressing yourself more will definitely help, you would be a great date to go on because you dont noticeably try too hard.

So this why I feel so defeated. I am implementing everyone's feedback, I have worked considerably on myself, I have built up myself in so many other ways. Yet I get nowhere with anyone, not even a second date. Yet, and I hate to keep saying this, there are other men out there who are awful people who dont struggle in this area. This is why I get so sad about this and get so miserable. Wouldn't you? You are implementing everyones feedback and nothing changes, absolutely nothing changes.

@Ru-bee

My main interests are history and music. I haven't been able to find a lot of music related things due to some of them being too far away or they tend to be associated with alcohol (which I dont like at all). History stuff is hard to as well because I dont know where anything is. I have looked online and cant find anything.

I tried to start meetup groups this year and they didn't go anywhere because no one showed up. It was also expensive so I just gave up.

Another reason why I feel so defeated.

@Former-Member getting more shy and introverted is the change I'm talking about. I'm just speculating here but, does it mean you're less likely to talk about your special interests? Or that you might make a joke but decide not to, in case it is inappropriate? All those little things count, because they're pieces of you that are remaining hidden.

I would also caution against spending too much time comparing your circumstances to anyone else. Yes, it is REALLY disheartening and crappy to see other men put in less effort and seem to be more successful. But in my experience, spending so much energy feeling angry and resentful towards others for their success in area in which we're struggling only serves to leave us utterly miserable, defeated, and exhausted. And that'll be felt by the people we're trying to connect with too.

The other (crappy) factor is that sometimes... it's a numbers game. Which, for someone who has already been playing said game, might be entirely frustrating for you to hear! But it might be the case where like... let's say you're a good match for about 1 in 1000 people. These women who seem to go for other guys might be a good match for 1 in 100 people. And that's not because you're unappealing or doing anything wrong, it just means there might be fewer people out there in the world who actually get you. It's what I've found anyway, it's quite a rare thing for me allow anyone to get close because I find a lot of people just... exhausting to be around.

Which leads me to another thought... maybe part of the problem you're having is what I am gonna refer to as 'breaking into community'. Not like a burglar 😝 But like, I'm just thinking about when I first moved out of home and was living in Sydney for uni. I chose Sydney because I heard it was THE hot spot for queer community (it's actually Melbourne, lol). Yet even after living there for 3 years, I still hadn't made ANY queer friends. I felt so isolated, misunderstood, and alone. And I really tried ya know? I was always going to queer bars and events and stuff, but I couldn't even make any friends, let alone forge any romantic connections. Cos it felt like the community was already so well-established; everyone had their cliques, their groups and group chats, and I always felt like someone locked outside in the cold, watching everyone else celebrate next to the fire inside.

I think that's also kinda what @Ru-bee was encouraging - finding community and building a network of friendships is a really good way to start finding like-minded people... who might just end up introducing you to someone with whom you find a really good connection.