Can't stop crying - what the heck is wrong with me now?

@Appleblossom I honestly don't know why my gf chose that day for her operation. It's a condition she's had a while so I am feeling peeved about it to be honest! Her mother can't help as she has never driven unfortunately. What peeves me the most is my gf knew I was desperate for this appointment and have had it since last year in November. I just hope he'll agree to a phone or skype appointment. I can't reschedule to another region as he only has one office. If I were to see another psychiatrist in my current area, I'd need all my records transferred and might have to go on yet another waiting list. I kinda think it was selfish of my gf to do this to me. It is like I don't matter. 😞

Well it doesn't matter now that my gf is having her operation on that day anymore.

My shrink's office phoned and they bumped back my appointment to later in February. If I felt desperate enough before, I feel like hope is fading fast now. I explained the urgency to the receptionist but they just referred me back to my GP (who then refers me back to my shrink, so I am on some sort of crazy carousel). I very utterly shattered and not at this stage sure I can make it to late February (which means my respite is March anyway now IF he agrees which now isn't likely).

I'm tired of reaching out for help and getting slapped in the face with a wet fish.

I'm hearing that too @Queenie ..... take action over yourself to keep yourself safe Hon ..... at hospital they will help you put things together.

Higs from me too .... 💗💕

@Queenie Sorry I didnt reply earlier. I didnt see your response til now.

Hope you are not too bad. I often feel terribly stretched between appointments.

Maybe your gf's choices were limited when she made the appointment... it can be tricky balancing needs and medical timings and getting around.

Please hang in there and dont give up hope ... in you and your relationship.

Hello everyone. I am typing this from my hospital bed where I've been since 2nd of February.

I had an appointment with my psychologist and during the appointment she told me she had a duty of care to me and others to phone my psychiatrist. My psychiatrist held an emergency appointment with me and decided to send me straight to hospital from his office (do not pass GO, do not collect $200 so to speak).

I am doing much better mood-wise, I hover between 4 and 5 ot of 10 (with 10 being ecstatic and 0 being kaput). There was talk briefly about me having ECT again, but since my mood has stabilised with medication, it is no longer on the table. I still am suffering terribly with the psychotic symptoms however and, due to medication, am also suffering severe side effects. I can no longer read books as I have little or no concentration to enjoy them (I can read the same paragraph over and over again and still not grasp what was said by the author). Voices are constant despite heavy doses of very sedating antipsychotics also. I am trying my best to remaster the skill of distraction (though I think there is only so much distraction one can do to be honest!). Blasting music in my ears in an attempt to drown out the noise I hear seems to be somewhat effective.

My psychiatrist has put in a referral for a support worker via the PHaMS service near me. He is worried my psychosocial skills are lacking and wants me to engage in more peer supported services in an vague attempt to meet like-minded souls for possible friendship. The wait however is several months, so I won't be a social butterfly anytime soon I doubt.

Well that's the update from me. I still have lingering suicidal thoughts permeate my brain and haven't strayed far from the path of self destruction just yet. I am getting pressured by my gf to hurry up and get well so we can again do things we enjoyed and get out of the house, but I am steadfast that this time I won't be rushed into a non-recovery (if that at all makes sense).