Going down

Hi @destructive, it sounds like these past few weeks have been really challenging and quite intense

Have you spoken to your therapist about the session cost? Sometimes they can be flexible and either offer reduced fees or work out payment plans. I know it's not always a comfortable conversation, though if it helps I used to work in admin in a psychology clinic and it wasn't uncommon to have payment plans or for the psychologists to offer discounts when needed. If they're not able to do this they may be able to help guide you to other options.

Do you feel like that's something you would be able to do?

@Ru-bee @When I was younger I saw a psychiatrist who bulk billed me. I saw her for a couple years. Part way through she said she was moving to billing and so I said I couldn't come anymore. I didn't ask for it but she continued to bill so I could still come. Which I was grateful for. But then the very last time I saw her she got mad (I'm sure it had been building) because I'd been struggling to talk or look at her. And on the last appt she said that I've cost her thousands of dollars the least I could do was say hello/goodbye. I didn't mean to be difficult. Decades on and I've been diagnosed with DID and think at times I just shut down and can't do anything or talk. It's a state of terror. Not trying to be rude. So I am terrified to risk that agai

hey @destructive i'm so sorry to hear you were treated like that by a previous psychiatrist, no one deserves to be spoken to in that kind of manner. i understand why you'd find asking for a discount/payment plans quite terrifying, perhaps instead of asking face-to-face you could send an email or give them a written note so you don't have to worry about be misunderstood?

your needs are so important and you deserve to have access to support. here for you 💜

Hello @destructive, I remember your post.

I'm sorry to hear things are escalating and feeling more out of control for you, having the information that these horrific images and voices could be linked to memories would be a very disturbing thing to consider and you definitely need continued support through this.

I'm hearing you about affordability, I wasn't really able to afford help when I needed it most either, it is really scary how expensive and out of reach it can seem.

As you said you had a psychiatrist who bulk billed in the past but then switched to billing. There are still doctors and therapists who will bulk bill out there, you just have to ask. My doctor is a billing doctor but he bulk bills some patients at his discretion. Just be honest about your circumstances 🙏 I understand past bad experiences make it hard but there are a lot of people who care, you didn't deserve to be treated how you were.

I'm really sorry you had that experience @destructive

It wasn't okay for them to express their anger and frustration to you. Of course psychiatrists are just people and may get frustrated sometimes, but it was their responsibility to manage these emotions by seeking support.

I hope this experience doesn't stop you from asking for the support you need and deserve

Thanks @Ru-bee @rav3n @MermaidHair

I asked but it probably wouldn't mean anymore frequently just maybe not have to stop until next year now. She had offered it before I just didn't want that to make any resentment.

Its only have the problem though I guess. The other half is that I feel like I'm going downhill. I don't want to put details here but I think I'm kind of trying to destroy myself. Or a part of me is anyway. I get scared of that part because I do these things and then they make things worse. I think that's what they want though. Imagine living with your own tormentor inside of you. And they don't want you to talk, they don't want you to see this therapist. This one even more so than others because she's like a dog with a bone. I don't know why, I don't get why she hasn't quit on me yet, like the others all did.

its good that its an option if she's offered it up to you - so if you do decide to take her up on it, it's a backup for now! @destructive

that sounds like a lot of heavy feelings to deal with on your own, i'm so sorry that you've been having those dark thoughts and emotions. besides the therapist/psych, do you have anyone else you can lean on when those dark thoughts come through? do you have any coping tools that have worked for you?

Hi @rav3n

No, no one. Which in some ways I prefer. My misery does not love company. But also I know it's not as safe right. Because sometimes when I'm not doing well I do silly things. I don't know what I'm allowed to say... I have some troubles with self harm and sometimes I negotiate with me head something lesser but I think in the long run that's not good either. [Edited by moderator] Last night I fell over trying to get up from the bath and have massive bruises down my back and arm. Even my therapist maybe doesn't know all of this. I feel like there isn't much point because she can't help with that really. It just feels like I'm complaining.

Hey @destructive

You're right, it's not as safe when we keep these things to ourselves. It's interesting that saying "misery loves company", because in my experience the majority of people I speak to who are going through a hard time have that voice that tells them not to reach out to others. The voice might be saying not to complain, or not to burden others, or that you're being dramatic, or a hundred other things that stop you from telling those around you what's going on.

It's really hard to shut that voice up, I know from my own personal experience, but that voice is not the truth, it's just a thought in our head.

I'm really glad that you feel comfortable enough to share here, but I also want to encourage you to talk to your therapist about this. It's not complaining to talk about your experiences, and even if it was, who better to complain to! Your therapist definitely can't help with the parts she's not aware of.

@Ru-bee I do say that I'm not going well generally and about thoughts. So then when I keep saying then it feels like complaining because it's not like they can do much about that, what I need to be able to say is what drives that I guess. But that's difficult for a number of reasons. The more I share the more I get threatened. So it's a double bind you see.