Part 3: Here are my notes and extracts from Britt Frank’s book, The Science of Stuck: Breaking Through Inertia to Find Your Path Forward (2022), and her engaging approach to mental health.
4. Shadow intelligence: Why you need the parts of yourself you hate.
I turn now to this chapter. You may recall that one of the working assumptions of Frank’s book was, “Your personality is not a singular thing, but a collection of parts and subparts.”
Shadows are to any aspects of ourselves that we are ashamed to admit or afraid to encounter, and hence hide or repress. For example, some people have an anger shadow---they think they should always be nice. We all have parts of ourselves that we hide from ourselves. Trying to hide from your shadows, like holding a beach ball underwater, doesn’t work. Any qualities we hide in shadows tend to show up sideways in our lives as mental health symptoms, relational difficulties, or inexplicable triggers. “When you identify, understand and befriend your shadows, they no longer have power over your actions.” As Carl Jung said, “Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and your will call it fate.” Even though sadness, for example, is essential to our well-being many of us continue to suppress painful thoughts and feelings. It’s often the parts of yourself you hate the most that are trying the hardest to help you.
“Most of us aren’t taught how to be whole.” Instead we’re taught to split off from any thoughts, feelings, or qualities that aren’t socially acceptable. Jenna MacLaine writes, “Your shadow is similar to fire---fire has the potential to provide heat and comfort and it has the potential to cause pain and destruction. Frank adds, “Your shadow is neither good nor bad until you act.”
“The problem with trying to hide from our shadows? It doesn’t work.”
“You’ve likely heard of IQ (intelligence quotient) and EQ (emotional intelligence), but to get unstuck you also need to have…SQ, or shadow intelligence. People high in SQ know their shadows inside out. They’re free to pursue their dreams instead of…’upper limiting’---the unconscious tendency to sabotage ourselves when we get close to achieving our goals.”
The shadow quality of procrastination, for example, helps to protect you from your potential threat.
Like it or not, we have nice parts (eat vegetables and exercise) and non-nice parts (b-i-n-g-e eating and watching TV). “That other part of you? That’s a shadow part.”
In 31 Ways to Happiness, Awdesh Singh writes, “Your happiness depends on your ability to balance the opposites rather than sticking to only one of the truths while ignoring all others. When you avoid something for long, over a period of time, it creates a craving in you that can disturb the peace of your mind and make you suffer immensely.”
“The solution is neither to ignore your shadow parts nor to permit them to run wild. The solution is to develop a relationship with and an outlet for your shadow parts.” “In A Little Book on the Human Shadow, Robert Bly wrote, “every part of our personality that we do not love will become hostile to us”.
“Think of your parts like a cast of characters…When you can ID which character in your “cast” needs your attention, you can more effectively implement “self-care” solutions”
“Behaviours that are self-care to one part of you might be self-harm to another. Learning to lead your internal parts [akin to an orchestra conductor] helps you to discern the difference.” In this context, “self-leadership is the practice of responding to stressors rather than reacting to triggers.” “The goal of therapy…is not to change yourself, it’s to know yourself---and to then conduct your inner orchestra with skill and compassion.”
“You…don’t lack motivation---you have parts who think the best way to help you is to shut your system down. These parts may act out with destructive behaviours, but the parts themselves aren’t bad---their intention is to protect you from your shadows. When your parts are in charge, you can feel crazy, out of control, dissociated, indecisive, and overwhelmed. When your inner conductor…is in charge, suddenly you have access to…Confidence, Calmness, Creativity, Clarity, Curiosity, Courage, Compassion, Connectedness.”
“The secret to effective self-talk is to turn your inner monologue into an inner dialogue.” That is, to talk to yourself using your name or pronouns.
"Victor E. Frankl wrote: ‘Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies freedom and growth.’ “Third-person self-talk helps to create psychological space.”
“Many people continue to beat themselves up using this format.” “To maximise its efficacy, “you’ll need to apply the principles of Self-parenting to your inner dialogue.”
“Self-parenting is when you speak to and care for your parts---all of them---with kindness and compassion…(If the idea of inner parents and children doesn’t land, you can think of your inner leader as the head coach and replace the idea of inner children with “inner players” on your “team.”) Until we replace the relentless inner critic with a compassionate inner parent, we tend spin around in circles.”
Frank gives an example:
“Imagine you had a horrible week at work, and when you get home Friday evening, you go on a monster food b-i-n-g-e. You're lying on the couch feeling miserable and nauseated, but you know that yelling at yourself is pointless-- if shame worked, it would have worked by now. You decide to try a compassionate Self-leadership approach:
Instead of thinking: I'm being so bad. God, I suck. I hate that I can't control myself
around food. What's wrong with me?
Try: Hi, b-i-n-g-e part. I know you are hurting right now. I know you were only trying to
help me by eating all the food. I didn't take very good care of you this week. Next week I
will make sure we eat instead of skipping meals and that we take more breaks.”
“A Self-leadership approach allows you to take psychological space, to form connections
with your parts, and to maintain a clear enough head to find solutions. You can remember
this method by using the acronym PART.
► Pause. Remember you have multiple parts.
► Acknowledge your part (or parts) by saying hello.
► Remove shame from this process---your parts are trying to help you.
► Take back the ‘conductor’s baton’ and make a plan.”
“Often we can’t access a compassionate inner parent until after we’ve absorbed the benefits from other resources. Self-parenting doesn’t replace therapy or medical treatment.”
The more we ignore the parts of ourselves we don’t like, the harder they fight and scream. Tending to shadow parts (with boundaries) can soothe their destructive impulses. “Shadow snacks are small indulgences that you consciously and intentionally permit the destructive parts of yourself to do, think, or have.” As soon as your shadow parts feel seen and heard, they tend to settle.
The most nutrient-dense shadow snack is physical movement (not the same as exercise) e.g. dance. Stress is not just in your mind—it is also in your body. Try it for five minutes a day.
You do not have to think positive thoughts all the time.
“Ask yourself which part of your system needs care when you’re feeling triggered.”
“Write a letter to a part from your inner leader or Self. Then write a letter from your part to your inner leader. When you write your letter from the part, use your nondominant hand.”
“Make a list of shadow snacks you can have handy when your inner parts feel peckish.”
Continued in next post
