Retirement (mental health)

Thanks very much @Eve7

I'm sorry to read that your retirement experience has been downhill since the big day.

I'm happy to share any ideas that could help you in your retirement journey.

@chibam AFAIK retirement dates back to Roman times. After 25 years of service a Roman soldier could "retire". Per the British Museum, "It is estimated that around 50% of soldiers survived illness and violence to reach retirement. Citizen-soldiers received a lucrative bonus on their retirement, enough to buy land or live comfortably."

For what it's worth I don't expect people to do the most ordinary of favors for me. Fine if they do but I don't hang my hat on it.

For potential relationships with single friends I have asked such friends if they'd like to go out for coffee during the day i.e. at a public venue in broad daylight.

For jobs, I found most of these by asking around. I can recall some exceptions, the first when I was asked if I'd be interested in doing some vacation work as result of showing some interest in the aasociated subject matter; the second and third as a result of referrals from employment agencies. And another time when I was doing some study and was asked if I'd be interested in marking some student essays.

I have worked in the front bar of a hotel, as a result of asking the barman at the time if I could work behind the bar voluntarily and learn the ropes. That led to casual employment as a barstaff.

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@Explorer7 wrote:

For potential relationships with single friends I have asked such friends if they'd like to go out for coffee during the day i.e. at a public venue in broad daylight.

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Well, I've never actually met my soulmate, so I was talking more in terms of earning introductions to strangers who are within their circle of relatives/acquaintances, but not mine.

That being said, I doubt I could ever respect anyone who would invade my personal space and put me on the spot like that enough to want to be in a relationship with them. I've been on the wrong end of bullies like that before, and if I never encounter another one of them again it'll be too soon. The sort of woman I need would never voluntarily inflict herself upon a guy she was interested in (except perhaps in the most ambiguous of fashions); she'd wait for an ethical third party to arrange a relationship with him. Otherwise the relationship would have no legitimate basis, nor a basis of trust or respect; it would be based upon one of us invading the life of the other unasked.

In terms of work, I'm not really interested in some sort of temporary job. I'm looking for my "forever home" (as they say with stray pets); the clan I'll be working alongside of till the day I die.

@Explorer7Sorry, I was getting lazy with my typing... MHCP is mental health care plan which my GP suggested as it gives me 10 subsidised psychology visits a year.

I've continues to look at other things to add to the list of things to get involved with but having had quite a few setbacks in recent attempts my confidence and motivation has taken a big hit and i'm sort of taking a time out to rethink what I want to do going forward. It seems a lot of people lose interest in even having me as a volunteer when they learn i'm undergoing permanent cancer treatment, even if it is just injections and tablets at the moment.

Add to that recent issues with the psychologists I've been seeing (which probably deserves a separate lengthy post to go into) that has me uncomfortable in continuing and i'm feeling a quite a bit lost as to what to try next.

In a way the health side of things is easier to deal with... I just do what the doctors and nurses tell me to. As you said, while working the structure of your time can be largely dictated by others. When you're trying to fill you own masses of free time, it then falls fully on ourselves, as well as the confidence and motivation to continue.

@MJG017 Ah, MHCP = "mental health care plan". Nice. I had one of those when I was depressed, and managed to find a nearby psychologist who I visited or zoomed with quite a few times. I can remember seeing three psychologists in my life, two quite helplful, and the other one who had nothing useful to offer me. I've had the same experience with GPs. My long term GP retired and I wasn't able to "connect" with her replacement. So I went to a medical centre and found two GP's who I have a lot of time for.

On volunteering, Red Cross have a social support program, where volunteers take people who are not in regular social contact with other people, on an outing or a chat over a cup of coffee. I've been volunteering with them for some years, as part of this program. I take out my participant once every two weeks.

Lifeline is always looking for volunteers on their phones. The training they provide is excellent. You get to pick your own shifts.

On confidence and motivation, it looks like a couple of books by Britt Frank could possibly help: The Science of Stuck: Breaking Through Inertia to Find Your Path (2022), $A16 via Google Books; and The Getting Unstuck Workbook: Practical Tools for Overcoming Fear and Doubt -- and Moving Forward with Your Life (2024), $A16. According to Britt, “there is no such thing as an unmotivated or a lazy person, humans are always motivated. Your brain is motivated either to make conscious choices or to survive threats.”

I can't tell you much more about these two books as I only heard about them yesterday. What I heard that she addresses resonated with me, including getting over the intention-action gap. There's a fair bit of stuff about this idea on the web.

I intend to post separately about managing free time.

@Explorer7Thank you so much for your reply, some great ideas so I really appreciate you taking the time.

The Red cross program sounds like something worth looking in to. The lifeline one sounds interesting as well. What was it like? I imagine spending a shift talking to people that are extremely distressed can get quite confronting and difficult. How did you find the role in general?

I check out those books as well. From the title, "Practical Tools for Overcoming Fear and Doubt" sounds like it could be the most helpful, but I'll take a look at the others as well. I'll give anything a try at this stage. I have my 10th and final visit with my psychologist next week and then that's done, so I really need to try and get on top of things once that big chunk of support will be gone.

@MJG017 Thanks. I've read and found that sharing what's worked, based either on personal experience or what others have reckoned has worked for them, helps the person doing the sharing with their mental health. So it's good to hear from and share with others in this regard.

I first mentioned the idea of volunteering for Lifeline to my psychologist, when I was clinically depressed. He said he thought that it would good for me, which surprised me. I had thought that he'd recommend against it given my state. With that recommendation I applied to become a volunteer, did the training in the midst of my depression, and started on the phones. l learnt a lot from the training. The support I got from the other volunteers and the Lifeline staff was excellent. At the end of each shift I had the option of debriefing with the shift supervisor, which was quite helpful. The training that Lifeline provides you equips you to support the people at the other end of the phone, even when they are distressed. There is always Lifeline backup available if you feel you need help to manage a call. In between shifts there were weekly meetings of the volunteers at which you could discuss any questions about calls you had during the previous week, and how e.g. others would've responded. Lifeline also provided ongoing training to their volunteers.

I can't recall if I mentioned it before but at the end of each shift I would say: there, but for the grace of God, go I. Being on the phones put my own life and condition into context.

When COVID struck, Lifeline asked the older volunteers to not attend the telephone call centres out of Occ Health & Safety concerns. That's when I stopped going, and haven't been back since due to getting involved in other endeavours (and COVID went on for so long).

I intend to read both of those books soon and will share my thoughts on them here.

@chibam A colleague suggested having a look at Hire Up. Googling "Mental Health Support Worker" might also turn up some options, depending on your interests. I mention this role since it seems to be a growth area.

I've never tried it but a table for six, or equivalent, looks like a possibility for forming new friendships. YMMV however.

Thanks again @Explorer7. I'll definitely look into the lifeline position. My psychologist seemed surprised I was so keen to want to devote so much time and effort into supporting others. I told her it helps me a lot and she seemed fine with it as long as I didn't find it too difficult. It does sound like a great place to volunteer at and you're well supported while doing it. Hopefully they have opportunities here in Adelaide.

@MJG017 I said I'd post separately about managing free time.

I've drawn from https://tuttifruttiwellbeing.com.au/ in compiling the following content. The Book of Wellbeing hosted there largely gives suggestions based on what others have said has worked for them.

General observations

Adopt a professional approach to retirement: "View yourself as a professional manager of your retirement. Set goals, create a mission statement, and maintain a routine to differentiate weekends from weekdays, preventing everything from becoming monotonous."

“At the top end of the scale of retirement satisfaction were those people who regarded retirement as an adventure* and who were involved in regular activities that were either creative, or which involved the production of goods or services.” – Longhurst M 2018, Enjoying Retirement: An Australian Handbook of Ideas, Strategies and Resources, p. 2

* I like that perspective a lot, combined with Choices, a little later on

Lifelong learning and intellectual engagement: "Retirement is an ideal time to engage in lifelong learning, whether through formal education, short courses, or exploring new hobbies. Staying intellectually active helps maintain cognitive function and keeps the mind sharp. Keep intellectually engaged by understanding wider societal issues to maintain a sense of professionalism."

Staying mentally engaged: "Activities such as puzzles, games, or taking up a new skill can help maintain cognitive function and prevent mental decline."

Choices: I haven't yet read Britt Frank's two books but she writes that “there is no such thing as an unmotivated or a lazy person, humans are always motivated. Your brain is motivated either to make conscious choices or to survive threats.” I suspect the power is there in the choices you make as to how to manage your freetime, and navigate your way in retirement.

1. Purpose

Viktor Frankl, in his 1946 book Man's Search for Meaning, wrote that the meaning of life is where you find it. I read this book in the midst of a mid-life crisis, and got a lot out of it.

Finding meaning and purpose: "Retirement is a time to reflect on life’s purpose and what brings meaning. Engage in spiritual practices, meditation, or exploring personal beliefs to provide inner peace and fulfillment. This could also involve active membership in religious or spiritual communities, which offer both social connections and a network of caring individuals."

Connecting with a higher purpose: "Some retirees find solace in religious or spiritual communities, or through acts of kindness and service, which can enhance their sense of spiritual wellbeing."

Strengths: My understanding is that finding ways to apply your strengths can enable you to flourish as far as finding purpose goes. Be mindful of the "too much of a good thing" effect, where overused strengths can become toxic; for example, conscientiousness can turn into perfectionism, and confidence can become arrogance.

See:

How strengths can fuel your confidence

Strengths-based coaching can actually weaken you

2. Finances

For some retirees, managing their income becomes a purposeful activity in itself, contributing to both financial and vocational wellbeing.

3. Structure of your week

May well be informed by some of the preceding.

Miscellaneous suggestions:

• Volunteering obligations
• Coffee catch-ups or people watching
• Mental health support group meeting/s
• Church or non-religious equivalent e.g. Unitarian community
• Walking for pleasure groups
• Visit (walk to) local library
• Domestic obligations (supplies, washing, cleaning)
• Surf the net; read the news
• TV
• Web
• Meditation
• Reading; researching; writing
• Swimming
• Bike riding

4. Socialisation opportunities

The Tutti Frutti Book of Wellbeing has 47 suggestions for maintaining social wellbeing.

5. Status

In retirement, "status" can be derived from various sources that align with your values, interests, and the roles your choose to take on:

1. Volunteering and community leadership: Taking on leadership roles in volunteer organisations, community groups, or charitable activities can provide a sense of importance and recognition. Being seen as a leader or a key contributor within a community can enhance one's status in retirement.

2. Expertise and mentorship: Retirees can maintain their status by sharing their expertise and experiences with others. This could be through mentoring younger professionals, offering advice in a consulting role, or participating in educational activities such as teaching or writing.

3. Pursuing passions and hobbies: Excelling in a hobby or passion can bring status, especially when it leads to recognition, whether it’s through competitions, exhibitions, or simply being known as an expert or skilled practitioner within a particular field or community.

4. Family roles: For some, status in retirement comes from their role within the family. Being a grandparent, an elder who passes on wisdom, or the organizer of family gatherings can confer a sense of importance and respect.

5. Social influence and networks: Continuing to cultivate and maintain a strong social network, being the connector or a respected figure within a social circle, can provide a sense of status. This might involve hosting events, leading social clubs, or simply being a valued friend or confidant.

6. Creative and artistic pursuits: Engaging in creative or artistic pursuits and gaining recognition for these activities can also be a source of status. Whether through painting, writing, music, or other forms of creative expression, being recognized for talent and contribution in these areas can be fulfilling.

7. Recognition in new endeavors: Status can also come from successfully transitioning into new endeavours that may not have been part of one’s previous career. This could include entrepreneurship, launching a new business, or engaging in advocacy or activism for causes that are important to you.

"Self-worth" can be seen as a form of status that you ascribe to yourself. While traditional status is often linked to external recognition and validation from others, self-worth is an internal measure of your own value and esteem. It reflects how you perceive your own worthiness, capabilities, and significance, independent of external opinions or societal markers.

In this sense, self-worth is a personal, internal status that you hold within yourself. It’s about recognizing your own value, regardless of external accolades or titles. This self-assigned status can be a powerful source of confidence and fulfillment, especially in retirement, when traditional sources of status like professional roles might no longer apply. By cultivating self-worth, you reinforce a sense of identity and purpose that is resilient to external changes.

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I may need to update or add to some of this after I read Frank's books.

Update Aug 16th, 10.17 am. Added some notes to section 5. Status about self-worth.