Touching the darkness

Thanks @Former-Member

Yes - I think I do understand

I don't know your story - but I do understand about the being treated like a raw egg with a thin shell - I have a dx of being emotionally fragile - and yes - I am - but apart from here or with my therapist it is not something I would want to talk about - I understand what you are saying about self-pity and I have an idea about that

Self-pity is fine in very small doses - after all - if no one cares we have to do the caring for ourselves - but in reality it doesn't get us far - so we go on our journey

And you say you can never change but you need to change - um yes - when you have been a victim (and I was) it is impossible to change that past - but staying in the victim place even if we change the role - um - hard to say - mmmmmmm - ummmmmm [this is me thinking hard]

Okay - my mother's belting me and my bro - really hard memories - but I also remember I started fighting back - but - the really bad memories were repressed - I didn't know they were there - but it was safe to remember after she died and I have had to work hard on getting away from that -

But I have - seeing that I am a tough cookie my mother couldn't control

When we started going to marriage councellling my MIL told me my husband would never change - and from something my sil said I gather he still has not changed - and the thought of living in that locked-up mind-set he had - where he could not react to on-going life - that is so sad - it destroyed our marriage - and I did not give up easily

So change - yes - right now it seems impossible but I can see you know you need to - and I guess it will take time to sink in - and you will

It is better - you do have the picture right though - other people can only help you so far and you know that - as hospital can only help you so far

The trauma you suffered has damaged something deep inside you - as your adult mind as developed you can see this - but your survival mode of your early life has set hard - and it is bl^^dy uncomfortable for you

I think I get it - hard work

But the Flower I can see is worth knowing - and growth - and change - and time - I am sure the Flower you can grow into will be even better

Hugs - Dec

Hi @Former-Member

I read the story - easy to find everyone - interesting

Flower I am definitely the coffee bean - life has scrunched, crush and ground me - but I definately make the circumstances of my life "better" - like coffee I guess - which if it is good coffee - I really like it strong and bitter

I'm sorry it was hard for you yesterday - I hope you felt more settled after your partner came home

Dec

Hi @Former-Member

I liked the story too .. I like to think I can be coffee .. when I am confident ...but I am probably a weird salad of all 3.

@Former-Member just posted a pic in a quote thread with a similar idea.

Hope tomorrow is better.

Hi @Former-Member

I can be an egg - I am emotionally fragile - so I am reminded of our hens - many years ago we always had two each year - they last about a year - usually laying one egg each a day

One hot day one hen laid two eggs and the second one didn't have a shell - it was perfect otherwise - what was inside was protected by a tough membrane

I have toughened up but refused to let life make me hard - we need to be able to be ourselves and it seems people are trying to make you what you are not - and this is so difficult for you

Something is always going to come along to trip us up - that's life

The most important thing is to learn to be the person we are and stick to the truth of ourselves

And this us not easy and I wish you the best

Dec