Red's house

@RiverSeal I totally understand the frustration when people deliberately use incorrect pronouns and hate me just for existing.

I try not to let that get to me.

Today is my T'day. Im celebrating my gender euphoria and going out for lunch. I have been in testosterone 7 years now. Im happy for my transition.

Last week I went camping for the bad anniversary and it was great despite getting sick and having to come home early.

Im trying to be more present and future focused. There are good times and bad times. Life is never perfect or easy. But somehow we have to just keep going and I find the little things that keep me going.

I had my report findings meeting thingy with my neurological assessor this morning.
Her conclusion is I have bad adhd and level 1 autism, comorbid with cptsd and some bpd traits, plus all the physical stuff like me/cfs and eds.
The part i as most interested kn the findjngs was the IQ. I was 97-98 percentile in parts of the iq, but memory and adaptive learning parts of the iq were like in the 20s percentile. So I'm just going to take the result as I'm too smart but too distracted to do anything with it lol.

I still meet the criteria for eupd and cptsd. But the report helped explain a lot of my thoughts, emotions and habits that wasnt explained by traditional mental health diagnosis.

Im glad my assessor was thorough and took a while to gather collateral and look at me and do more than just questionnaires and forms and my self harm behaviours.

Yes it could just be seen as another diagnosis on my list, but it gives context to the way my brain developed the way it sid and why my old coping mechanisms were so ingrained.
Anyways im happy I spent my life savings so far on going through this process and doing it privately instead of just accepting what public psychiatrists said is wrong with my mh.

I feel understood and validated by a diagnosis for what seems like a long time. Over the years it has been a chaotic journey to understand my brain and my emotions. I never seemed to fit neatly in diagnostic criteria. And psychiatrists often just defaulted into bpd because it was easier, and I guess safer, because I was such a risk to myself and others. Going around the diagnosis and looking at the person, the me inside it all, it felt like I was heard and acknowledged. So many labels have been thrown on me in my 15 years or so of being in the mental health system, from schizophrenia and schitzoafective to depression, bipolar, ocd, bulimia, bpd, probably other things too. No one ever considered adhd and asd, especially when I lived in a tiny town in tassie. It took me ages to even think that there wasnt something "wrong" with me that my brain just worked different to neuro-normies.

I feel oddly at peace with the extra labels, it fits me better i feel.

Add traumas to my neuro-diverse brain and it pumps out weird symptoms like early psychosis, an eating disorder, ritualistic self harm etc. Im glad I have survived through all that and coming to a place of self acceptance.

Life ain't easy, but life is also what you make it. And for me I guess I never made life boring

Im not sure about my life at the moment. Im not suicidal, I just feel lost.

I hurt myself a few days ago, first time in ages. Then I got a positive covid yesterday, probably caught it in the hospital waiting for the medical treatment.

I feel like a void in my life. My health issues mean I cant do much, I feel useless. I barely have capacity to do art on the best of days. Art was my hope. Its like I'm just empty.

Getting formal diagnosis of asd and adhd meant a lot to me, but im not sure if it will actually change anything or make a difference. It explains why I never felt normal, but it also just reiterates that I am far from normal.

I keep trying to push my past away and live in the present. It claws at my different part and feeling safe inside myself is getting hard.

Im thinking I should go back to psychology and therapy but im not sure if could cope with opening it all up again. Im not even coping that well with things in general.

Im not sure why I'm writing this anyways. I often feel like expressing myself or talking about my thoughts is just pointless, even if I'm validated and heard it doesn't really practically fix it. It wont solve the shit inside my head, and my health won't get better, and covid wont go away with willpower.

Hey @The-red-centaur, sounds like you are going through a tough time right now and also have COVID on top of that. It's really brave of you to share your thoughts and feelings with the communtiy and I can relate to how you feel with my own MH and gender identity.

Sometimes doing all the things is not enough and we want to feel "normal" for want of a better word. I'm neurodivergant too with my schizophrenia diagnosis and I can see how I am "different' and have had various challenges with life. And nothing I do will take the past away and heal the wounds if I think about all the things I did in my psychotic episodes and coping with having gender dysphoria.

I have learnt to look to the future and live in the present as this is hopeful and allows me to live the in the present. I can't change the past but it's much better focused on what I'm doing and and where I'm going.

I enourage you to stay connected with the community and connection with others can help support personal growth and development that therapy can't. I also have a lot of connection with other things such as music, my apartment, my local area and fashion (RiverSeal's version not like Taylor Swift's)

Take care

RiverSeal

@RiverSeal my chronic health issues mean I am barely able to do my hobbies and connect with my friends.

I miss creating and I miss magic the gathering. I was going to see my mtg yesterday but covid meant I couldn't go out.

My support workers are nearly my only interactions with the outside world, and now while I'm sick I cant even leave my room (house rules) My housemate really triggers me, so in a weird way its better having an excuse to stay in my room.

My head has been all kinds of messed up lately.

Im feeling overwhelmed this morning.I have to get a breast scan this morning. As someone who is transmasc and with tonns of trauma im freaking out.

Hey @The-red-centaur that sounds like a really hard appointment to have. Is there anything we can do here to help support you through it?

Im not too sure.

Im trying to distract myself with a documentary this morning.

I am speaking to my support worker about it and they can help support me following on the way back if I get severely triggered.

Glad to hear that your support worker can be there with you @The-red-centaur

What documentary are you watching?

@Ru-bee i was watching the second series of alone australia.

Its a survival series where you get thrown into a forrest and the person who survives the longest wins 250,000.

The way its produced informs you all the stuff the contestants do and why.

Its not a proper doco in the fact its a competition, but its well put together and the cinematography is so beautiful, plus its all all filmed by the contestants.

Alone is a series I had always heard of but as I rarely watch things hadnt watch any of them, I put it on when I had covid and got addicted. I want to watch the Nordic one next.