Red's house

Did you want to talk about it @The-red-centaur ?

@tyme I'm having a hard time in relation to what happened to me 2 years ago. The sexual violence over my birthday haunts me. I want to move on. I'm thinking of talking to a lawyer. Idk last time I sent someone to court I paid dearly and have permanent disability due to my actions. I just want it to go away.

TW: Rape

Sorry to hear this @The-red-centaur

Sitting with you. I hear your pain and your hurt.

I'm just gonna go to bed. I need today to stop.

Take care hun @The-red-centaur

I took a week ofline to regroup and rethink stuff.

I saw my psych today. It was my final medication review. Things managed to go by without significant self harm over Easter and my bday. So we are both happy with my progress over the years. Next appointment I will officially discharged from public mental health services.

Emotionally I'm still all over the place, but im getting through it differently than I used to. It's weird how thinking back to even a few years ago how damaging I was and how invested to hurting myself or trying to end my suffering permanently.

My permanent solution was death at the time, now recovery took it place. My suffering and pain is lessening, hopefully the changes and healing I have been doing will be that permanent solution I was looking for.

I am sad for all the years I lost, lost to myself, barely surving wishing I wasn't. My 32 years so far full of pain, but here's to 32 more, hopefully less pain in them.

I can't change my past, I can't change what I've done in response to that pain in my past. But I can slowly chose a different way forward.

Life is hard, but despite that, it is astonishingly beautiful. They say the view from the top of mountain is stunning, but you still have to climb it to see the top. Without darkness we won't realise how bright the sun is, without pain we won't realise how valuable peace is. I'm not grateful for my pain, but I'm glad I can see that there is more to life than the pain. There is love, kindness, joy, beauty, and so much more that life can show us.

I dedicate my life to show others the endless possibilities before us. As an artist I have amazing opportunities to show how the is beauty to be found out there, we just have to look.

I said goodbye to my psych today.

How are you feeling about it @The-red-centaur

It seems like a big thing to me

I had a shit day. I'm so sore.

I was at a market. Didn't sell anything. Hardly anyone even said hi.

Physically I give up, I was supposed to have a soccer match tomorrow, but I got home and couldn't walk, I can't even move.

Read/watched stuff about election to distract myself. But it's really hard.

Tonight I'm feeling like what is the point. I try so hard to get ahead, get somewhere, do anything so I don't feel like a waste.

Its so hard when effort has no outcomes. Physically, my body keeps failing, mental its a roller-coaster.

I had so much i needed to do today. I slept most of it instead. I feel worse. The pain is intense, its hard to breathe, im so exhausted just by doing nothing. Life just doesn't seem to need me in it.