I'm nearly ready to give up

@Dimity , @Stout , @Ru-bee , @Rockdog , @MJG017 , thankyou thankyou thankyou.

You were all right that things could feel better.

Yesterday afternoon I emailed my housemate, because I knew that I wouldn't get jelly brain from anxiety in confronting someone, and could carefully select my words and make sure that they couldn't be misconstrued. I explained how I felt and said that I wanted to mend the relationship. (We do have to live in the same house). I had some of my prn meds to help calm myself and we talked without arguing. I have to admit that my feelings weren't brought up, but at least I don't feel as though I have to hide in my room.

There was sunshine today and I did the endorphin thing with a brisk walk to the shops. It is a small and quiet shopping centre and doesn't usually set off my agoraphobic panic attacks. I had a coffee and read a book for a little while, bought some fresh bread rolls and some lettuce and tomatoes and cheese (got a little cash from medicare rebate). I actually went to the trouble of making a roll for lunch. Proud of myself that I ate something.

I returned the emotional first aid book to the library (for another time). I saw my neighbour on my walk home and we waved and smiled across the street. I didn't feel hated for a change and those positive social interactions in the flesh, no matter how small, help me feel more accepted by the community. That's different to the supportive and kind social interactions that I have had online here with so many people. I am so grateful to all of you, (and I'm sorry if there are people that I haven't tagged. I struggle to remember everybody's names and I'm not sure whether the list that comes up includes everybody). I really do appreciate you listening and caring, thankyou. It is hard being vulnerable but you all have made me feel okay about it. Because I am going through a change of antidepressants (that coming off one to start another) and while the hormones are starting to kick in, I guess that I will be on an emotional rollercoaster. I am not bipolar but I do have mood swings more dependent on my environment and situation and also quite sudden.

Now I feel a bit selfish with all my previous full on posts, feel as though I was being so self centred and not so aware of other people's troubles. I do always care, very empathetic person, but I suppose that I don't show it when I'm absorbed in my pit of despair.

I hope that everybody can find a fragment or gallons of joy today. Even if it's only a little thing like the fact that we didn't get drenched in rain. Although rain can be good for gardens too. Two sides to every coin!

Take care everyone. I'm going to cosy up with a rug and watch something easy.

What a lovely update @Katz42 ! It had me smiling while I was reading it 😊

I'm so glad that you had bright and positive day and that you were able to show yourself some lovely care in a few different ways.

Reading this was definitely a fragment of joy for me today, as well as a perfectly made coffee which I treated myself to this afternoon on my little lunch time walk.

I hope you have a lovely cosy evening

Hi @Katz42,

well done with the steps you have taken. That was a really good effort. Changing meds is hard and will always be a challenge. The dark places usually get better, but I know they are scary. Anyway good work.

@Katz42Yes, and awesome update! I've had a pretty difficult time the past couple of years, nothing like you have but it has taught me one thing... take every win you get! It sounds like you've done just that and things are looking more positive because of it. You've done so well in turning that win into more wins, and overcome so much doing it so take a moment to be proud of yourself, you deserve it!

Please don't feel selfish about your previous posts, that's exactly what forums like this are here for. We all have those times when we just have to let it all out and hope someone listens. Keep us updated on how you're going, good or bad... hopefully good though 👍

@Katz42 the way you've turned things around is inspiring. There'll probably be more ups and downs while your meds and hormones settle but hopefully they'll ease.

There's been some sunshine here too in chilly Melbourne but I didn't go out until late in the day so missed the best of it.

Enjoy your evening.

Thankyou @Dimity.

I've got sunshine today again. I am too sore to go for a walk though. I think from virtually living in a sick bed with the respiratory thing for weeks and weeks, to suddenly walking 20 minutes every day was a bit enthusiastic. I could have paced myself. I was so excited to be free to go other places and not have to keep staring at these same walls. All is not lost though. My bedroom has a lot of sunlight and I plan to do a bit of art therapy type collage this afternoon.

Doing that sort of thing doesn't feel like work to me even though I guess it is therapeutic. I don't spend too much time or effort on each one. I cut out a few images that create certain words, phrases, quotes in my mind. Then I type them up and print them out, making the words part of the collage. Afterwards, I can see the thoughts and feelings going on in my head, even in my subconsious. Quite revealing!

These pictures are not for public consumption, although sometimes they are helpful with my psychology appointments. My lack of confidence and fear of failure leading to abandonment, doesn't have to come into it, when nobody is going to see how good or bad the pictures are, and I won't feel vulnerable exposing my deep seated feelings either. I am going to make myself a pot of tea and sit in what remains of the sun in my backyard. Vitamin D! I hope that you are okay and I am glad that you felt that my post was inspirational. Take care

Wow @Katz42 that collage sounds like an incredible outlet. Having that freedom to express yourself fully, and to help it to reveal some of your subconscious thoughts and feelings too...it sounds like a great way to get things flowing, how long have you been doing this sort of art therapy for?

I've just come in from sitting in the sun in my little garden. It's amazing how much it can lift my mood just feeling the warmth on my face after a cold couple of days 🌞

Hi @Katz42 , I am so sorry for all that you’ve been through but also so happy and proud of you when reading your updates.

You matter. So, so much. Maybe the people in your life right now aren’t reflective of that, but you matter. I hope that slowly, you can believe that too. I hope that eventually you will have a wonderful community around you that reminds you of this fact. I think all of us on these forums are struggling in some ways but it’s beautiful to see the way we strive to take care of each other, even if we struggle to take care of ourselves in those moments.

From a fellow book lover, I hope you have nothing but 5-star reads. I hope you have many more sunshiney days, even if you can’t get yourself out for walks on those days. Take care of yourself!

I love the sound of your collages @Katz42 . Are they digital or literally cut and pasted?

Good on you for trying to walk. I've been ill too and am working up to walking again. Today I ventured out and around but got a taxi home.

Lack of confidence and fear of failure leading to abandonment are pervasive... so often a carryover from bad old times, they can colour our view of the world (they do for me).

I trust your psychology session went well. There's been sun here too but cold nights.

Hoping Friday is good to you

Dimity