thankyou for your support, encouragement and links to possible help.
Where I used to live, once I was so close to ending my life, but tried to fight it. I contacted all of those services. When my time was up (yes they have time limits apparently) they just said that I could always call back. One night, I called Lifeline, then suicide callback service and then Lifeline again. I ended up feeling even worse and like I was some number or chore to be dealt with. No compassion or understanding because my issues and feelings at the time (and now) were so intense that they didn't know what to do or say. I also presented myself to A&E where I sat sobbing waiting to be seen. The guy that I spoke to, told me that going to hospital, changing meds, whatever was going to do nothing for me, and then he sent me home. Within a week I took a lethal amount of my tricyclic antidepressants and whatever else I had. I woke up three days later believing that I must be in hell because things were still so awful and unbearable. I wasn't in hell. I saw my GP (a coincidental appointment) who referred me to get my heart checked out because of the "incident". When the results were fine, that was the end of it as far as any medical or psychological people were concerned. I should have died with the amount that I had taken, the poisons information told my GP. But noone cared and I just had to soldier on. Apparently my want to not exist wasn't (isn't) serious enough. Or maybe it's just that I don't count or that nobody likes me, so it matters not that I'm not around anymore. I feel so unlikable and that I have no redeeming features, especially because not even my family like me and I haven't been able to make any friends for years. The closest I got, she got the wrong idea when I cancelled a coffee date. I had the flu, and I was cancelled, not because I felt awful, but because I didn't want her to catch my flu. I thought that I was being considerate. She told me that I didn't deserve to have friends and that I was never to speak to her again. My support worker would not discuss it, nor hear my side and the fact that I meant to be thoughtful and kind, not hurtful, because the other lady was also one of her clients. Maybe she was right, that I don't deserve friends. "Friends" from the past avoided me when I was unwell, when I needed support and kindness the most, especially if I went to hospital. I get that my feelings are full on and so intense that people don't know what to say. I really need kindness, someone to listen and validate my feelings, not offer advice (that's what my psychiatrist and psychologist are for). I would just have loved a hug in times like that. But rather, I am shunned and feel even worse about myself and even less deserving of kindness. The more times this happens, the less brave I am in reaching out.
I think that the only reason why I can share here is because I know that a lot of you understand my feelings and have had similar experiences. It also feels safer because we are not face to face for me to be shunned. I can be shunned, but I can convince myself that it is only because people are busy or not seen my posts. It doesn't feel as personal.
I did something "positive" today. I went for a walk to the local library. I borrowed a couple of DVDs and a book called Emotional First Aid by Guy Winch PhD. I decided to splurge and buy myself a coffee in the cafe opposite. I sat there weeping as I was reading because the examples that the author gave and the suggestions to deal with various forms of rejection, were either not possible in my case which made me feel even more hopeless. I am not saying that this book isn't helpful etc, but I think that because of my feeling so hopeless, I couldn't connect with the examples given, e.g. being rejected when asking someone on a date. At the moment, I don't think that this book is for me, but maybe when/ if I feel better.
So a positive step, only made me cry. Even the endorphins from a brisk walk couldn't compete with my misery.
Okay I am going to get a drink of water and maybe watch a DVD. Hopefully they are not "happily ever after" movies, because for me, that doesn't feel as though that will ever be a thing and increases my sadness.
I am safe at the moment but will do the right things if things get out of hand.
