Support for JAT

Thank you @tyme .

it’s just a-lot, first I was diagnosed bipolar, then adhd and now finally BPD. It’s taken 30+ years to get the right diagnosis and whilst I feel I can finally relate and now I can learn, I’m just having so much trouble self regulating because I don’t know how too.

Im either so down and depressed and helpless or I’m so angry. The anxiety and panic attacks are happening on the regular and I’m finding it so hard to pull myself out of an episode once I’m in it.

I have a partner and son and they are great but I just feel so alone in my own head cause I don’t feel like they get it. I just need help in what to do, how to go about it.. anything to stop from feeling so helpless and low and misunderstood.

thank you so much for making this post for me.

Hey @JAT !

Welcome to my world! I was also diagnosed with bipolar and was place on bipolar meds for over 10 years. Then during and ED visit, I was told I definitely didn't have bipolar and was taken off these meds immediately.

So yes, BPD was the culprit for my ups and downs, my rage, my self-harm addiction, my impulsive behaviour and my chronic suicidal ideation.

I never thought I'd be alive to see my 25th birthday because I was in a very precarious state, hanging to life by a thread.

Yet with the right treatment, I've found reprieve. I'm come so far and I haven't gone back since.

BPD is VERY treatable. You just need to 'right' evidence-based treatment to get there.

Please feel free to ask any BPD-related questions you may have.

Yes I also feel lucky to still be here, and I did have an attempt last year but luckily I’m still here, I don’t want to die i just want my head to stop.

I’ve found the suicidal ideation starting to rear its head again And I would never inflict that pain on my family and I know it wouldn’t fix anything for anyone just pass the pain on.

Where does BPD stem from? I had a pretty rough childhood with abuse and was out on my own at 16 so had to try and grow up pretty quickly.

Numbed my brain with everything possible narcotics and alcohol to be able to breathe.

I’m trying to cope in a more healthy way with meditation, but sometimes I just can’t quite my mind enough to sit and breathe when my entire body is shaking and my heart feels like it’s going to pop out my chest.

When I’m in an episode, what can I do to calm myself down or try to regulate my emotions so I’m not lashing out at my partner - Because I feel like I’m pushing him away.

I’m seeing my GP fortnightly is it worth getting in touch with the mental health team in my city again? They were quite helpful after my attempt last year but I’m not sure if there’s a certain criteria to be able to reach out to them.

I think I’m just looking for more information as to why I am the way I am and how I can cope and deal with it in a healthy way.

It’s so hard with the Waiting times to get into counsellors or therapy so I feel like I’m just paddling at the moment day by day.

Have you been able to regulate your emotions overtime and not get in a state of anxiety or panic? 75,000 times a day?

And how do you explain to someone how you feel? That has no idea about BPD?

thank you so much just to be able to talk to someone is calming me down as we speak.

I feel the more I know about the diagnosis the more I can possibly not feel like I’m walking on eggshells every every day.

---

@JAT wrote:

Where does BPD stem from? I had a pretty rough childhood with abuse and was out on my own at 16 so had to try and grow up pretty quickly.

For me, I never realised, but I've been told it stemmed from my inability to form attachments as a child. Because of this, I always felt disconnected but wouldn't pinpoint the issue. Then, this led to me internalising everything, and when I could no longer hold it in, I lashed out. I often describe BPD as an emotional child stuck in an adult's body. The emotional side never had the chance or didn't know how to 'grow up'.

---

@JAT wrote:

When I’m in an episode, what can I do to calm myself down or try to regulate my emotions so I’m not lashing out at my partner - Because I feel like I’m pushing him away.

What I've learnt in my recovery is that you can't wait until an episode to do something. The proactive approach is to practice mindfulness every day so that you can be in control and be in the present. Then, when an episode arises, you'll be more equipped to be in control.

Another aspect is to set boundaries. Talk to your partner beforehand and let them know that when you are upset, you need space to calm down. For me, when I was upset, the more people tried to reason with me, the worse I became. So people around me ended up letting me have my space, but always letting me know when they would be coming back to check in (this takes away the fear of rejection).

---

@JAT wrote:

I’m seeing my GP fortnightly is it worth getting in touch with the mental health team in my city again? They were quite helpful after my attempt last year but I’m not sure if there’s a certain criteria to be able to reach out to them.

I think I’m just looking for more information as to why I am the way I am and how I can cope and deal with it in a healthy way.

It’s so hard with the Waiting times to get into counsellors or therapy so I feel like I’m just paddling at the moment day by day.

If things are going well with your GP, you probably won't be able to access area mental health (if it's public). Of course, if things get worse, then yes, it's a good idea to link in with them.

Have a look at this resource if you want:

Here is another resource that may be helpful: https://www.spectrumbpd.com.au/education-training/psychoeducation-sessions

---

@JAT wrote:

Have you been able to regulate your emotions overtime and not get in a state of anxiety or panic? 75,000 times a day?

---

I think answering this is along the lines of my response before about mindfulness. You need to find something that allows you to focus on the moment and be present. Our emotions envelope and swallow us up so we cannot think or see anything else.

What I found super helpful were Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) skills. By understanding the science of how our minds work, I was able to find ways to be present in the moment. I studied some of Dr Russ Harris' ideas behind ACT. e.g https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rCp1l16GCXI

I also made sure I practice a program on The Smiling Mind app every night so I could practice these skills BEFORE I was triggered. This helped a lot.

---

@JAT wrote:

And how do you explain to someone how you feel? That has no idea about BPD?

---

As hard as it is to see strengths, I always like people to see the power of BPD. That is,

Borderlines have superpowers. We just need people to be patient with us to help us find ourselves. As much as we are hurting people around us, we are hurting just as much. The emotional pain is excruciating.

We hurt so much because we care too much.

Once we find ourselves, there's no going back.

@JAT - I hope this answers some of your questions and you find a way forward.

Hello and welcome @JAT 😀

@tyme Wow. Thank you so so much for all that information.
It’s weird but nice to know that I’m not the only one feeling these things.

One last one,

how do I best go about the abandoment issues - my partner said today he feels like a full time carer because i constantly freak out when he has plans and im going to be by myself. Is that normal? And how do I get comfortable being in my own space when my head won’t shut up and the bad thoughts start creeping in?

Hey Shaz,

thank you for the warm welcome, not even 24hrs in and I think I’ve found my people 🙏🏻❤️

I hearing you and it feels like I'm re-living it as I read your post.

What I found comfort in was knowing when the person was returning (and they couldn't be late!) So if they said they would return in 1 hour, I knew in one hour they would be back.

It hurt me so much if they were even 1 min late.

However, this is more about coping in the moment. It's not about managing the issue. That is, you won't say, my goal is for the me to know the person will be back in one hour.

A lot of the long term work is to work with the emotional dysregulation to there comes a point where you can be in control of your emotions, rather than letting environmental issues control your emotions.

In my MBT therapy, it was about learning to sit with unpleasantness. Being able to consider different perspectives and mentalise others. It was a unique journey, but it worked.