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Something’s not right

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I don't have a cool title for this.

I an tired and sick of myself.

So what do I do...I make it worse.

I was upset when I got home late last night. Instead of doing what I should have and just go to bed, I hurt myself and end up in hospital. Making the situation worse.

I feel like all my carers hate me. That they are tired of me and my risk to self. My carer is angry at me about the incidents of early hours of the morning. So many carers have quit because of me over the years.

That's not even my problem. I feel frustrated at myself that I am not recovering. And in the 15 years I'm battling self harm and suicide that the world doesn't trust me and my friends family carers dint trust me. I am not supposed to be left alone.

I thought pursuing my dreams and therapy would change my thoughts and behaviours. But I feel so messed and broken. Do I even deserve to pursue it all and even life anymore.

I'm getting so physically sick all the time because of my self harm. I'm just a drain on society. I should just quit.

180 replies

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Hi @The-red-centaur. I didn't get onto the forum last weekend, I hope you've been feeling enough support.

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@tyme I'd thought I'd reply to you here rather than on the 'tism thread.

I'm not doing ok. I spent majority of last week in the psych ward again.

The market never went ahead and my depression just got deeper. The psychiatrist increased my meds.

The increase in meds means im sleeping better, which is a huge relief.

But the depression really isn't easing, I've been trying so hard to do everything to pull me myself out of it. But it's just not working. In hospital I had to accept that sometimes things just suck. I have been trying to be compassionate to myself, understanding its hard and I'm depressed and sometimes i just have to wait it out and lean on my supports.

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Thank you so much for responding @The-red-centaur

I wasn't sure where to check-in with you as I'd been quite worried having not heard from you much.

I'm sorry the market didn't go to plan. But that's okay. There are days ahead.

You know what? I've been looking through some of your much earlier posts and I can see how far you have come during your during with SANE.

I'm actually quite impressed. I'm not saying it has been or is easy, but I believe since 2017, you've come so so far.

Well done. I hear it's not the best right now. Yet I can see you have so much more insight about how to look after yourself.

Thank you for letting us know how you are going.

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@The-red-centaur

Thank you for reconnecting during such a challenging phase of your recovery. Curious, do you have affirmations that actually help? I'm letting particular affirmations guide my thoughts and sculpt boundaries to my conversations which is inevitably shaping my personality etc. I guess most of the time we're just weaving through traffic but as soon as we have more of a choice to go this way or that, I'm telling myself things like "I'm living a healthy, worthwhile life" (a testimony from the Blue Knot Foundation website) and "Trust innocence" (from a dream). What kind of affirmations/testimonies/dreams etc. have helped give you insight and direction so far? I'm glad you're able to know your limits enough to opt out of the pace of life when you have to.

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How are you @BossBaby @The-red-centaur ?

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@tyme, no heart palpitations or eye twitches for a while now 🙂

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Good to hear @BossBaby 🙂 Onwards and upwards!

We're here for you.

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@tyme I'm not great tonight.

Spent most of my night in ED getting self harm seen to.

I just got home and I'm really tired. Hope I can get some sleep soon.

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@BossBaby hope you're doing ok.

I don't really find affirmations helpful.

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I'm sorry to hear that @The-red-centaur .

I hope things get better for you.

Do you get along with the support workers? Or are they the same ones you had before? I'm just wondering if you can talk to them when things are uneasy.

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