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Something’s not right

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I don't have a cool title for this.

I an tired and sick of myself.

So what do I do...I make it worse.

I was upset when I got home late last night. Instead of doing what I should have and just go to bed, I hurt myself and end up in hospital. Making the situation worse.

I feel like all my carers hate me. That they are tired of me and my risk to self. My carer is angry at me about the incidents of early hours of the morning. So many carers have quit because of me over the years.

That's not even my problem. I feel frustrated at myself that I am not recovering. And in the 15 years I'm battling self harm and suicide that the world doesn't trust me and my friends family carers dint trust me. I am not supposed to be left alone.

I thought pursuing my dreams and therapy would change my thoughts and behaviours. But I feel so messed and broken. Do I even deserve to pursue it all and even life anymore.

I'm getting so physically sick all the time because of my self harm. I'm just a drain on society. I should just quit.

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In response to: Enter a subject?

Re: Enter a subject?

That also reminds me. I cannot control how rhe public views me or my art at rhw markets today, but I will at this as amazing opportunity to learn and grow.

No matter the outcome it is positive because I actually got there and put myself in the view of rhe public. And that is a major step forward.

No matter how they view my art it's not a judgement of myself.

In response to: Re: Enter a subject?

Re: Enter a subject?

On the forums recently, someone shared something along the lines of this:

We are 20% what happens to us, and 80% how we react to it... something like that.

So it really made me think... yes, shit happens to people sometimes, yet how we respond to it can make all the difference.

@The-red-centaur

You're a battler @The-red-centaur

In response to: Re: Enter a subject?

Re: Enter a subject?

I've been hesitant to post anything lately.

I'm so down today. I am so sick of my health. I haven't been able to get out of bed today. Everything hurts and I'm so tired. I don't even know why. It's so hard to function when I can barely move. I hate my body.

How are you supposed to look after yourself when you can't get up. I've tried to be kind to myself and let myself sleep but I feel like I've just wasted today. [edited by moderator]

In response to: Re: Enter a subject?

Re: Enter a subject?

Hey @The-red-centaur ,

I'm sorry you are feeling so low at the moment. It sounds so hard that you feel your existence is a waste of space.

Is there someone you can speak to at the moment?

Also, I've had to remove the last comment you made. I'll send you a check-in

In response to: Re: Enter a subject?

Re: Enter a subject?

Can you lie in the sun? Can you budget for treatments - massage/physio/chiro that can oxygenate, align, relax, warm/cool your hurting parts? How important is it to you that your days are productive?

I've had to do some problem solving myself today, being sick with dwindling personal leave, I've had to decide to take the flu vaccine - I was hoping to give my immune system a chance to adjust this year to my new town's bugs - so I can work through more mild sickness and put on a brave face. I have coping strategies but because I'm already so stretched physically and mentally, if I'm sick, hungry, at the end of my monthly cycle, I'm a flight risk. Even some emergency unpaid leave will still be better than losing my job.

I hope that in whatever ways you need to withdraw you can do so thoughtfully with support.

In response to: Re: Enter a subject?

Re: Enter a subject?

I dislocated my shoulder again yesterday.

I'm seeing my gp later today. And I'll hopefully get some more answers on my health issues.

I'm just so tired n sore. It's really hard.

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Re: Enter a subject?

GP referred me to a haematologist. Hope they can help.

Mum also is about to visit. eep. I got this. I think.

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Re: Enter a subject?

I had emergency surgery on my abdomen on Friday. I'm so sore.

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Re: Enter a subject?

Hope you are okay. Please rest up.

I'm sorry to hear it is so sore right now @The-red-centaur

Please know we are sitting with you.

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Re: Enter a subject?

@The-red-centaur I've been wondering how you've been and hoping your mum's visit went well. Sorry to hear about the shock of surgery. But I'm glad you're getting looked after and hoping you're on the mend.

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