@Sahara
My Mum was NOT a coper. She had a nervous breakdown and sat staring at her bedroom floor for several years, right when I was adolescent. Unfortunate. But I found a surrogate Mum like many teenagers do. My mother was deeply narcissistic all her life. The adored youngest child, a socialite until she married the biggest 'catch' in the district, then horribly resentful and disappointed all her life when, instead of becoming a commercial pilot after the war, he took her to the family farm where she was socially isolated and looked down on everyone there. Life for all of us became entirely about 'making Mum happy' in order not to have all our daily lives an absolute misery! Life revolved around her needs, wants, requirements for herself. Our needs always came last on the list. We all learnt to be enablers. Over giving, over caring, over trusting, over invested in attending to everyone else's needs before our own. You might recognise that @Appleblossom?
She died a year after my husband (a narcissistic sociopath) suddenly and unexpectedly abandoned me when I became wheelchair bound and could no longer supply him with every kind of support as I had for ten years. She was already demented and didn't know about the abandonment. Or the deep betrayal of each sister, one by one. But Bless her, she is now supporting me! Her inheritance was the only thing I managed to stop my husband taking.
i lost my home, my husband (who morphed into the worst demonic monster you can imagine ), my career, my new home-based business, my family, many friends (whom hubby convinced I was the abusive one), my reputation, my faith in God via life-long Anglicanism, and my MIND! I was burgled, I lost all the data on my computer via a Trojan, I went to a fraudulent mental health retreat, I was bullied and abused in online forums, I got two incompetent lawyers one after another. It was absolutely unbelievable and I had trouble believing it myself. I don't normally tell others, as the full extent of my Years in Hell sound like I am making it all up to get the sympathy vote! I still struggle with incredulity and have to revisit some facts over and again with my Hakomi therapist.
but any martyrdom I might have felt has gradually subsided to compassion for myself. Previously, victim and martyr were favourites. So when I was REALLY victimised, I worked through all that complicated victim stuff to my satisfaction.
as I said before, I now see this PTSD as a gift. I can see and accept the world and myself as it really is and not the way I'd like it to be. I can see that recovery is possible, and am still exploring therapies that might work and finding reading a library of books from various disciplines fascinating and useful. I have a roof over my head and I'm used to living off the smell of an oily rag. I got out of the wheelchair and even ditched the cane a few weeks back. I learnt to tolerate pain. I have more hope every time I check in for a deep inner health check. I kind of lost everything (I renounced my family), but I gained a clean slate. The opportunity to write a new story and find a new purpose. And the courage to do it all myself at last.
no man is an island, but I am now very choosy about who stays in my life from the past. I just don't hang out with drunks, rude people, liars, gossips and so forth. Harsh, but necessary for me. And finally, looking out for 'me' isn't selfish and worthy of shame. And as I start to move out of isolation and into the real world - like this forum- My antennae for users, abusers and manipulators are better developed for self protection. And as my strength and wisdom and compassion grow, I might one day be able to help other women who suffered as I did.
phew!
