A strange dream and it's meaning...

Yes, @utopia!

So strange that this can happen. I wonder if your best friend has worked out that you don't like her other friend much? It can be so tricky, can't it?

I mean, if this woman from my dream calls me, which I'm sure she will eventually, I will just have to go along with the conversation and pretend nothing has changed. I have already been hiding my true thoughts form her for approximately 2 years. I just make cheery conversation with her... and I do reveal a lot of my personal life, more or less.

It's just that I don't divulge my real feelings regarding my personal life. Just the facts, with a cheery slant put on it. I guess I will be answering her calls for the rest of my life!! I really don't see a way around it. But, yeah, I probably don't need to give it much thought.

Are you sort of obligated to socialize with your best friend's friend?

Hi @Former-Member,

I know what you mean, we all have different faces that we show different people. I think this is inevitable. If we know someone would be offended by our swearing, then we avoid swearing in front of them. Just like we might avoid smoking in front of friends who don't smoke and we don't mention MI to those who we know wouldn't understand.

Do you think some of us are much more chameleon-like than others?

For some reason, I've always worried that I am way more of a chameleon than I'd like to be. And it surprises me how people don't even seem to notice that I'm like that.

@Sahara. By 'way more of a chameleon etc", do you mean you feel inauthentic? Like you're faking it or pretending? Or just that you are a vibrant and multi-faceted person? I used to be concerned that I was inauthentic, and developed an 'authentic' persona to cover it over! Ha ha ha ha.

After my trauma, everything changed. My ego shattered and in facing my demons and slowly putting my world back together over three years, I have found my authentic self. A simple example of how this changes things is that I used to walk into a room and think, "I hope they like me". Now, I walk into a room and think, "I wonder if I'll connect with anyone here. They can like me or not like me. I don't need their approval." know the thing? It's very liberating!

but I still struggle with the friend thing. I made a secret pact with myself that I am polite and don't wish to harm anyone, but I don't waste my precious time with rude, aggressive, bitchy, whatever people. Or people who don't get it. I'd rather walk alone than carry the baggage. Just me.

from dreams to friends @utopia @Appleblossom, but I literally told an alcoholic, sarcastic, well-intentioned male friend I didn't want to be his friend anymore - like in Primary School- when he didn't get the hints of me declining invitations or not returning calls. It made him angry and hurt, and he was sending aggressive texts every six weeks or so telling me I was 'causing him so much pain'. I told him I was sorry if he felt I was the cause of his pain (not, if you think deeply about it), but asked him to refrain from sending texts as I didn't want to receive them while traumatised. He persisted, every six months or so, or just when he got drunk and maudlin. Last one was tonight and I finally blocked his number from my phone. He had become like a stalker, even though he imagines he is being a loyal friend. Men aaaargh!

I reckon if you don't want to tell a frenemy to go away, and you anticipate regular contact way beyond when you want to maintain a friendship, just be polite. Grin and bear it. And don't reveal anything private, as you say.....

interested in your opinions.

Hey, @Former-Member,

yep, I mean that a lot of the time I am inauthentic with people. However, when I am alone with my artwork, my books and listening to music, then I feel like I am being my authentic self. This is the self that is pretty much 'out there', but that strangely no-one really ever sees. I am very creative, a lateral thinker, I like a challenge, I like intellectual stimulation and abstract ideas....

In my normal every day life I don't ever meet anyone who is like this. The closest I ever came was in art school. Most of my friends from art school drifted away. I realise this was partly due to my MI.

Most of my interactions with people now consist of me pretending to be interested in what they are talking about - social gossip, money, property, holidays, wine and clothes. Luckily for me, I am actually quite good at talking about most things - this come from being intuitive and perceptive and from reading a lot and keeping up with the 'news'. I am also good at reading body language and taking social cues. This probably comes from being artistic and so being a good observer.

However, I very rarely manage to do more than scratch the surface with most people, partly because I am shy and partly because I believe my authentic self would be off-putting to most people.

My greatest satisfaction in life comes from my private inner world where I contemplate ideas and reseach all kinds of topics and create art. I don't think people really 'get' this. I doubt I would get it, either, if it weren't my reality!

I try to put myself in other people's shoes and to understand the way they live, ie, 'the rat race' but I can't do it. Or if I do, my understanding is very fleeting.

@Former-Member, that's great that you blocked the number of the sarcastic drunkard!! I would have blocked his number after the very first aggressive text message! Absolutely! I would have done it with pride.

I have gotten rid of plenty of people from my life by not answering calls, blocking numbers or simply telling them to 'rack off'. (mainly ex-lovers.) With female friends I am much nicer, but there has been one or two that I've had to send very abrupt emails to! This has worked for me. I am proud of my ability to get rid of people from my life and move on.

The thing with my friend from the dream is that she has been going through a very rough period for the past 15 years, but she has absolutely no malice in her. I even kind of like her. It's just that our interactions are pretty much one-sided and unrewarding. I believe that's what the dream was showing me... that in many ways, our friendship is 'dead'.

However, if she continues to call me, I will take her calls, as I'm not really losing anything by chatting to her. But I think that on a very deep, subconscious level, she will somehow realise that these calls just aren't rewarding anymore and will call less often.

@Sahara

Seems like we are kindred spirits. I don't want to bore everybody else with a long personal exchange, but may I just say this?

as a professional artist all my life, I have met hundreds of people who are the way you describe yourself. Artists have always been outside the mainstream. And it is quite OK to be an artist! Even though our culture doesn't respect or admire them. Lazy layabout dole-bludgers unless they are celebrities, in which case they are disproportionately idealised.

Even down to MI. I'm sure more than half the artistic population would be diagnosed with MI if a shrink got hold of them! From depression and bipolar at one end of the scale to extreme narcissism at the other!

I think it is important to protect our authentic selves. Superficial conversation and all that. You're right. Most people don't 'get it'. And never will. At the same time, learning to love our own weirdness is super important, and one of the most difficult things to grasp when we feel 'different' and stigmatised. Or are grappling with inappropriate behaviours that surface because of our MI, and then we beat ourselves up with shame at having done or said things we wish we hadn't.

if you haven't read Kristen Neff's book, "Self Compassion", I thoroughly recommend it. Also, there is a free seminar series at sounds true.com called the Self Acceptance Project (from memory). If you have a decent internet connection, I'm pretty sure you'll get some inspiration from it. Everyone on this forum might.

Hi @Former-Member,

thanks for the references... I will have to check them out...

The interesting thing is that I do like my creative, authentic self, even though I can't share that side of me with many people... and even when I do, I don't go too deep.

That's great that you are an artist too! What are you up to at the moment, creative-wise? You don't have to answer if you don't want to, as it could be too revealing... you want to remain anonymous, of course.

I usually don't reveal much of what I'm doing, just on the off chance that someone I know in real life was reading this... they might be able to make out who I am! But I paint and draw and make some sculptural pieces.

Same reason I don't reveal what my former profession was.... just being cautious.

Yes, it's interesting that some studies reveal that there is a lnk between creativity and depression. Very curious about this.

@utopia,

that's brave of you to tell your best friend what I really think. Good for you. It sounds like you are in control of the situation... must be a bit uncomfortable having to see this woman, though.

I have told my best friend about the gradual decline of the friendship with the woman from my dream. For the most part, she is supportive, as she has had her issues with this woman, too. But she remains close to her, while I don't even really try.

I mean, obviously, she gets a lot more from the woman's frienship than I do; that much is obvious. But we don't talk about her much and the three of us have not been together socially for years.

@utopia

That is an accepting and wise way to be.

Girl friend dynamics can be tricky .. I have been negotiating them too .. and finally realise that the "bestie" is something I specifically reject as Hollywoodish ..and unreal .. my longest 'friend" has the least in common with me .. and if we ever spent much time together we would have fort .. but we also had a few beautiful moments here and there ... and I cling to those and let of the rest ..

I mention my point of view .. so there is authenticity .. but I dont push it .. I should only have to say it once or twice .. She has changed her phone and emails recently .. and I have lost touch with her again .. I may bump into her again .. but wont hold it against her .. it is what it is .. she has been more of an acquaintance really .. but because of all my childhood instability .. the only one with whom I had long term connection ..

which reminds me .. I might have found another ole gf on linked in .. will call her in NY.

@Sahara

I am often in turmoil .. my mother used to go on about the general who conscientiously cared about all the lives he put on the line .. and somehow .. that is a deep part of me .. I cannot be any other way ..

I can be extrovert now .. but it is pure play and silliness .. but it has a role and I dont feel it is inauthentic ..

@Former-Member

You put your finger straight on the pulse .. actually a few different pulses

teasing out chameleons .. I am a big one .. it was adaptive and needed for my survival .. understatement of the year ..

sometimes there is a big spectrum to bridge within me .. as I stretch between my different facets .. I think that was what my Christmas Eve dummy spit was about .. the lady who triggered it (last straw) .. had boasted to me that most of the teachers in her fine ladies college .. do dummy spits in the teachers lunch room .. all the time ..

as I have been teaching in my private studio .. I havent had the peer support and camaraderie .. school teachers have .. so choir became that .. so next time I see her .. I will mention that ..

I like Christian Neff's website .. but I no longer buy self help books .. I invest irl artists that I meet .. writers and musicians .. and yes art work .. for my walls

Always supported artistic communities .. in whatever way .. I could .. not a visual artist myself .. but love it and it helps me feel connected with myself .. so keep producing you guys .. even if there is little money in it

Robyn Archer was a singer song writer .. and now she runs a big music and comminty arts festival up north

The fantastic thing . is that my whacky nephew .. who has been doing recent study in the arts .. was rapt that i knew about her too .. kind of bonded us tho we are from different generations ..

he does dreads .. I do not ..

SWEARING .. I bought my son a chrissie card .. with implied swearing .. through word play .. he laughed and then started whacking me with the card.. I think we have come full circle on some good things .. I do believe in the "play-fight" but genuine .. care and play .. not a way of masking nasties..

Greta to chat with you ladies ..