Fear

Oh Peace,

My heart breaks for you. I have no words that fit. I am a parent and I understand the love.

All I can say is,the new meds? I really hope they help.

You have undergone so much I pray you will find some relief.

You do not deserve self hatred.

Just keep posting, talking.

We are here for you. take what you need.

God bless Peace

Rick

Dearest @peace

You know every time I write your forum name with the mention symbol before it I read it as "at peace". I feel it as a prayer for you. That you might be at peace and live, carrying these huge burdens of grief and trauma in a far gentler place. That you might find and recognise the immense gifts of courage and compassion which you clearly bear.

No wonder you are suffering from such acute anxiety and panic attacks if tomorrow is a trauma "anniversary" of such huge proportions for you. I'm so sorry for the devastating loss of your baby boy, and for the loss of your daughter's dad. When you are experiencing such despair hold on, in your heart and mind, to the anchors which your daughter and grandson clearly are.

Christmas is such a difficult time when we have experienced loss and grief, all the more so when there are heart-rending events associated with this time.

I want to share something which has helped me a great deal over the years, it is a reminder for me that courage is not the same as brave - it is much greater and deeper. Courage is not the absence of fear or despair, but persistence in the face of them.

I know you probably cannot see it but you are amazing to have survived so much. If you survived and remained untouched (being able to be "normal") in the face of these traumas you would have to be a robot. You clearly have far too much persistent humanity to be a robot, and this is something to celebrate (although I acknowledge that it probably does not feel like it).

The pain is agony, but I wonder whether you had anything like enough appropriate and compassionate help at the times of these traumas to enable you to process the grief and horror. When we don't have timely help, and when we experience multiple traumas, they become layered on each other. The outcome is what you are experiencing - so I hope your psych is a kind compassionate one.

Blessings and love on your journeying,

Kristin

Hello @peace

My dear lady, you are an example to all of us. Someone who keeps going even when they want to.

Not wanting to is a common symptom of PTSD. Wanting to lie down and wait for the end is nothing to shamed about. Given your horrendous experience who would'nt feel that?

PTSD even in it's simple form is difficult to treat. Complex PTSD which developes over a time scale and is predicated very often by time left untreated is harder again. Their are so many aspects to complex PTSD that it is difficult to have any separation between pathologies. When I say pathologies think in terms of illnesses. That's the complex form is. It is multiple illness syptoms with a singular diagnosis.

The problem with it often is that they blend with each other and therfore are not easily separated. Treatments the the complex are problematic.

Because of the treament resistance inherent in the condition we develope more cognitive strategies and strengths to make it throu the day.

Being triggered happens far too easily but with time and self patience the affects of these triggers do become less damaging.

Actually having a trauma related condition is in itself traumatic. And that flows over the rest.

It's complicated because it's a complex. Comlpex meaning many faceted.

So please cut yourself a little slack. You are experiencing life at it's sharpest and the cuts run deep.

But you are not helpless. By engaging in this forum you are in fact accepting a form of therapy.

I can only admire you and your many strengths and courage.

Thank you for this example. It is inspiring. You are inspiring.

I can see your courage like a lighthouse lamp in a storm. I am grateful

Be good to you. Be kind to you.

Hope endures whether we want it to or not

rick