Soul sister

Hi lil sis @Former-Member

That was one of the biggest hits I have ever seen at that ground - it was huge!!!

Yep - new phone search tomorrow - need to get some food anyway so will spend a couple of hours out of the house. Am missing being able to go to the beach with Toby though - hope it doesn't rain tomorrow and we can go for a while.

I'm thinking Wednesday night I might drive up the mountain (if it's not raining) and look out over the city.

What do you think is the main reason you can't articulate your 'symptoms'. Is it because you don't really understand them or know why?

Hi sis @Zoe7

It was a huge six - I agree one of the biggest I have seen too.

New phone search sounds like a plan to me, I might have to go food shopping tomorrow too.

Your Wed night plan sounds good to me driving up to the mountain- I don't have a mountain nearby I might go into surfers and check out the view from there. I bet the air is so clean and fresh in tassie. I would love to go back to ineglass bay its so beautiful and its not a bad spot either and checkout the surf too on the way up from Hobart.

I think I probably articulate them okay probably better then I think and now I am just confusing myself and that is not hard lol. I can't remember if I told u back she wants me to give TMS a go for my depression, I am really not keen on this form of treatment Do you know much about TMS?

Today at the zoo, I felt okay but everyone is so much older then me, and they talk about how much they have been doing before coming to the zoo and what they plan to do after and then I think I am doing so well. Anyway going back to my appointment I guess I just want her to take me seriously and she believes I am not really getting any treatment - help me out here sis. Your much better at this then me.

Everyone at the zoo was so happy to see me today and I got so many hugs off people and that was nice. There me thinking noone like me - that was kinda a reality check for me. I think I bit be doing a bit better. Tomorrow sign up day for masters swimming and that will be hopefully something I will enjoy. I was thinking about maybe doing dancing too- that might take me out of my comfort zone.

Hi sis

I know a little about TMS but not in depth. I understand it is usually provided as an option when other strategies don't seem to be helping - do you feel this is the case for you? I'm not sure I'd be too keen on it myself either!

I think you should ask yourself this question : What do I want to get out of MY sessions? Remember it is for you NOT for your specialist. Try and focus on one (or two) things that are worrying you or you need to talk about. They don't always have to be negative things either. Sometimes putting the good things in your life into persepctive can be as helpful as dealing with trauma or negative emotions. I find doing this more difficult (can do this part with GP much easier). Psych sessions are usually much harder and more distressing but I'm so deep in that I don't think stopping would be good for me either.

What are you most afraid of? Is it talking, feeling, going back or not moving on? These are not questions I'm asking you to answer with me - these are questions I ask myself and have helped me understand where I'm at and what I need.

@Former-Member Hope that makes sense

Hi Sis

I am not keen on TMS - for a number of reasons

I don't know a lot either about it and no other dr has ever mention it to me.

To me there is not enough information out about it and plus there is no real long term study on this. I know my depression and anxiety is tramua based and I don't believe TMS is going to fix this. This what they say:

There were no systemic side effects, such as weight gain, sexual dysfunction, sedation, nausea, or dry mouth. The most common adverse event related to treatment was scalp pain or discomfort at the treatment area during active TMS treatments, which was transient and mild to moderate in severity- (google search)

One of the rare side effects is seizures, to me, I couldn't take that risk even if there was just a tiny risk.

Back to your question- I might make it a bit more general- I do think I have improved- I think I have but its still been really slow going but my depresion was severe. At my worse, I couldn't walk around the block, and now I am walking daily from 6kms to 10kms per day, an sometimes with a gym session on top of this. Some of the symptoms I struggle with more, and I try to just plow ahead, and do what I need to do.

I think I know myself well and I have always enjoyed sports and my recovery needs to be centred around this and patient centred treatment like what we do for our students in the classroom lol. I remembered something from uni. Plus I get a lot of enjoyment out of trouble(Kira) she keeps me on my toes. I just feel like I should be doing more. I have a lot swirling around in my mind atm. I am thinking and hopefully you will understand it just feels like my depression came out of no where and I remember u saying something the other night about how I must have changed quickly and to be honest I think it was when my depression became severe and it really knocked me for 6. Its like the spark has gone from me not completely because I see glimpses of it and I just want to lit that flame again.

You have asked some really good questions and I think I have tried to think about what I need and what are the gaps in terms of what I need and how I do I best move forward. Since we have started a discussion are okay to talk some more? What is your greatest fear in terms of your symptoms and depression or what might be a better question- what is worrying you the most?

@Former-Member

The seizures side effect for me would be of some concern also (however slim it may be).

I think, from what you have told me,you really have come a long way. I understand you feel like your sport, excercise and Trouble keepyou on your toes.

I too couldn't walk around my house when I have been at my worst. All I could think about was making sure I could look after my babies and then nothing else mattered. They really were the only things that kept me alive. I couldn't see the future - I couldn't even see the moment I was in - there was just nothing - complete numbness and pain at the same time. It's a really horrible place to be! I think my biggest fear is letting go of the hurt and pain and moving on. I know that seems strange but I fear I will not know who I am if that part of me is gone - it has shaped every single part of me my whole life! My second biggest fear is allowing people into my life and then being hurt again - self-preservation forme began a long time ago!

I really understand the spark thing so well. Every part of you wants to ignite it but there is so much inside that says 'this is dangerous - don't go there - it won't end well'. There are definitely more than glimpses of the spark I see in you You are doing things - zoo, swimming, gym, meeting friends, getting out.I still struggle with so much of this.I don't like being around people - tonight was huge!!! I am scared I will have an anxiety attack wherever I go - this hasn't happened for a while which is a positive. I am really scared of going back to work and having to deal with any questions - and moreso having to be in an environment that triggers so much for me.

Hi sis @Zoe7

I can't believe how much of how you think is so similar to mine and also your fears too. But for me I didn't feel pain or numbness - I just had a complete block and that is still there. I have the great wall of China around me lol

I have similar fears too

Letting go

And getting hurt again.

I can understand why you are scared to go back to work and being triggered again.

Do you think your depression has affected your memory at all????

I think your Great Wall has some holes in it now LOL. - I really believe you can smash it down too @Former-Member

Depression has certainly affected my memory. Even before I got sick 4 months ago I was having real difficulty concentrating and it was affecting my work. The kids would ask me a question and I'd just have to say - I can't think right now! I would get back to them with a response but it would take a while. The magical thing about my kids was that it was ok. They'd just laugh and wait for me to get back to them

I also know when I'm starting to fall because not only does my memory suffer but I can't seem to achieve (or want to achieve) anything - even doing the washing for example is a struggle - just piles up!

I think it would be so much harder for you not knowing why you got so depressed in the first place. I know where mine comes from and why - doesn't makeit easier to deal with but at least I have a starting point to understand it. Did you have any signs before it hit or was it totally out of left field?

@Zoe7 Your the best- thanks for your kinds words The great wall is coming down lol.

There I was thinking that I was only one with memory problems, I have to say that's the bit I don't like about the depression. The problem with me and my memory I can't remember much around the time that I crushed. And then I think maybe the depression was always there but I didn't see it etc a little bit disorganized, a drop in motivation.

But what seemed to be my catalyst for my depression was actually sleeping pills and after that I was not the same. It seem to build up around my placement for my public health degree and I just literally crushed when I finished. I also had quite a bit of stress happening over a long period of time, and plus going through premature menopause might have contributed too. But what gets me is that I was living in Townsville for two years and I would say it was probably the happiest time in my life and probably a year after that I started to slip a bit and that was mid way through 2010 and me being so compettetive I really had to push myself everyday and perhaps the depression was there before I recongize it. But if it was there it was in a mild forn. I hope that makes sense because I can't make head nor tail of it.

How long have u had the depression for?

A little bit disorganised and a drop in motivation!!!! - sounds like you are looking at me in a mirror!

I try to be really organised - and am usually really good at it - it is the only thing that keeps me on track at all. I don't cope well with change as it messing up my structures - not ideal for teaching but I can cope when I am feeling ok. My depression has been around - diagnosed - since I was in early 20s. There have been some periods that I haven't had medication and been doing really well - then something has happened and I've slowly (sometimes quickly) slipped down again.

I've now been on medication for many years. GP changed it late last year and I certainly got worse before I started feeling some improvements.

I have already told you (but just in case you don't remember LOL) I haven't slept properly unaided for over 20 years. Without the help of meds I can't sleep.They stop my mind racing and the fears subside slightly. Why did you start taking sleeping tablets yourself?

And I can understand what you have been saying about being happy and then you come crashing down. This is how I explain when the same thing has happened to me: I push myself to achieve so much and I feel that I am truly happy in life and then I start to let my guard down because I can see the future and see me being happy. I start to let off the overachieving and let people into my life and then the smallest thing happens and I wonder why I started to feel secure and safe.Then I crash bigger than before and all the hurt and pain is amplified. What has kept me going in the past is blocking out my feelings and being alone. Easier than the constant torment and the wondering when the next hit will come and where it will come from.

Hope that makes sense to you @Former-Member