Connect with people who understand what you are going through, seek advice and surround yourself with support. We're free, anonymous, and professionally moderated 24/7.

47,612Members
1,358,869Posts
1,400,000Visitors

Its All Come To A Head

TryinghardtoSenior Contributor12 Dec 2016, 9:50 pm AEDT

Its All Come To A Head

I started this on a new thread. I have mentioned before about my love for a man who has continually put his ex partner ( split up 6 years ago) and his now nineteen year old daughter. He dumped me in Feb of this year. Since then has said he loves me and wants to fix everything ( the problem is that he is afraid of his ex and his daughter and does not want them , or his friends and family to know that I am still in his life.

It has all come to a head. He was admitted to hospital on Friday and was sent to the ICU unit with pneumonia and blood clots on the lungs. I visited him on Saturday and he says how much he loves me and that he is glad I was there. Then yesterday I dont visit because I thought his daughter would be there. Not only did she turn up but has said that she is too afraid of visiting her dad with all the tubes and stuff and that she needs her mother to accompany her. Ok. I deal with that. He speaks to me this morning and says his daughter is visiting . I could come up in the afternoon. So I do. I drive over 100 kms to visit him. Get there. Go in only to find his daughter and ex walking out. The ex grins at me and attempts to say something in my ear. I ignore her and go on inside. He is being treated by the nurses. I say hello and he says that his ex and daughter have just left and are coming back in ten mins. He looks uncomforatble so I say I will leave. Then think again, put my bag down and say no I am staying. I am your partner and have driven over an hour to see you. He looks really pale and says he doesnt want any trouble.....so I leave and say he has made his chooice. I leave and am very upset. I ring the ICU unit who tell me he is going for more tests and that I should come back in two hours. I said would they just check to make sure it is ok with him. He starts to um and ahh and say he has to have more tests etc etc. I tell him that the nurses say I can still come. Then he drops the bombshell that his daughter is coming back after dropping her mother off. I say no problem. I am sure that we can both be with him. He tells me not to come, that he doesnt need the stress and hangs up on me.

I drive around the corner and have a complete breakdown. This sort of stuff has been going on for five years and I just broke. I rang a friend who told me to go to the emergency unit and tell them I am having a mental health issue. They are great. Take me aside and I talk to a lovely mental health nurse. She says she is amazed I have put up with this for so long. Explains that the ex and daughter sound narcisstic and discussed the reason they do what they do. Apparently he is enabling this to continue and I am enabling him to treat me this way.She advises me to move on. Now I have severe clinical depression and ocd. Have never been as bad as I have this year. I find it hard to leave things this way. My OCD makes me want to ring him and smooth everything over. To make things better. The nurse explained that I need help with a clinical therapist to help me deal with this. I am absolutely terriified now of my life right now...and also in the future. I continuously check my phone to see if he has rung or messaged me to see how I am. NOTHING. The nurse wants me to get my medication looked at but everytime I change my OCD gets to such a level that I know I will go through the stage of wanting to commit suicide. I really am so terrified of my feelings and the thoughts that go through my head on a regular basis. The OCD does not allow me to leave these thoughts alone. I still love this man with all my heart but have been told that if he is not able to set boundaries with his ex and daughter that I will continously be getting hurt. What can I do??

26 replies

21 - 26 of 26

1 2 3

In response to: Its All Come To A Head

AnonAntNew Contributor05 Jan 2017, 4:51 pm AEDT

Re: Its All Come To A Head

Hi @Tryinghardto & @Former-Member, apologies also for taking a long time to respond, I'm still dealing with the debris that was the rest of Christmas and New Year.

Happy (belated) Birthday @Tryinghardto, my 50th is in August, I already know that's going to be a trying time for me too. Oh, I also think that picking up horse poo would be the most beneficial thing I could do right now.

Personally, there is a whole lot more about my situation that I didn't discuss in my first post, the two most relevant are that my boyfriend has always had an issue with substance abuse and has again been progressively using more and more over the last year (more than I knew he was), so on New years Eve I had to deal with him in a another (I've lost count how many times we've been through this!) drug induced psychotic episode where his verbal abuse, paranoia, the countless voices he hears speaking to him all focus on tearing me apart. I locked myself away from him for most of this as I knew there was no other way to deal with it. On the 2nd Jan he came to realise that he'd done this again and asked me to help him, so I told him I would take him to hospital. He rejected that offer immediately. Eventually he called his mother to come and collect him which then led to his mother yelling at me 'why do you keep doing this to my son?' OMG!!!!!! So now she'll feed his narcissism until he's over this episode, which his the reason he does this all the time.

I called the hospital mental health line, I've talked on the phone with a counsellor, today I went in to have a chat with a mental health nurse and next Tuesday I have another session with one of the mental health registrars, there's so much I'm trying to deal with relating to prolonged physical, sexual and psychological abuse (not from current boyfriend his is just psychological) they are going to help me set out a plan of and access to psychotherapy, couselling and support I need goig forward.

I'm crying again now.

In response to: Re: Its All Come To A Head

TryinghardtoSenior Contributor06 Jan 2017, 10:49 am AEDT

Re: Its All Come To A Head

Hi @Former-Member ad @AnonAnt and also to everybody that reads this post.

I am so glad I joined this forum. There are so many people, like me that are still finding it hard to adjust after the so called "festive" season. It really does send us on a rollercoaster.

I am concentrating on taking each day as it comes. I am trying hard to think "in the Moment" which sounds sooo easy but is not. I am taking each day slowly. Taking time to do things. Spending time looking at nice things on the computer. Playing with my sewing. reading and watching dvds. Its hard when you dont choose who you fall in love with. It just happens. I am realising more and more that my relationship was a toxic one and that I have to take the time to fix myself before I can do anything else. So from today forth that is my goal . To take care of me and my feelings first.......bugger anyone else just yet.. A lot of soul searching and thinking has gone into this and Im hoping I can keep it up. The worst time of day for me is evening until bedtime.. Love to hear from you again..:)

Stay strong and if it is of any help I am here to listen to you all.

xxxxx

In response to: Its All Come To A Head

Unknown userMember07 Jan 2017, 12:48 am AEDT

Re: Its All Come To A Head

Hi @AnonAnt
Situation with your b/f sounds really difficult but so glad that you have been able to reach out for some support. It's really hard to deal with past traumas ... I know.
Hi @Tryinghardto I'm taking things day by day as well.. Sometimes it's all we can manage...
Lj

In response to: Re: Its All Come To A Head

TryinghardtoSenior Contributor21 Feb 2017, 12:52 pm AEDT

Re: Its All Come To A Head

@Former-Member and @AnonAnt.

Just checking to see how you guys are getting along. I found out yesterday that my so called partner had been cheating on me for the past twelve months and am not dealing with it very well.

In response to: Re: Its All Come To A Head

Unknown userMember26 Jan 2019, 10:33 am AEDT

Re: Its All Come To A Head

@Tryinghardto

I just saw you on the Pet thread under the 'support button', where you liked my poem about my little dog Holly. Thanks for that.

I am so sorry to hear that your trust has been shattered by your partner's infidelity. It is always a shock to learn of such betrayal. It hurts, it makes us angy, we feel inadequate. So many emotions involved. My husband did that to me some years ago. We are still together, but I have not forgotten and it still hurts when I think of it.

How do you deal with it? Umm ... with a great deal of difficulty .. but its best handled with grace and dignity. Are you still together, can I ask? I'm not too sure of your situation, as I haven not read all this thread yet. So please pardon my ignorance. I note you've been a member for some time, but only recently returned. I hope you can find comfort from the caring community here, as I do.

As you were in the pet appreciation thread, I am making an assumption that you have a pet, perhaps a dog, maybe a cat? Perhaps you'd like to talk about that pet, either here or on that other thread. There are also other threads you may be interested in as well, such as a specific cat thread and a specific dog thread. Let me know if you are interested and I will tag you in.

Sherry

In response to: Re: Its All Come To A Head

Unknown userMember26 Jan 2019, 10:36 am AEDT

Re: Its All Come To A Head

@Tryinghardto

Oh dear, ooops .... I just stuffed up! Noticed that the last post on this thread from you was actually almost 2 years ago.

So ... please ignore part of my post above. Perhaps you'd like to tell me how you are now? If you have a more recent and up to date thread, please feel free to tag me in.

Sorry ..... failed to notice the date!

Sherry

21 - 26 of 26

1 2 3