Ups and Downs of Husband`s Mental Illness

I don't seen any tension in the conversation-- me either @Owlunar , @Appleblossom

Hugs @Appleblossom

Yes @Shaz51

The conversation was - still lis - animated but we all know each other - seems okay to me

Yes - I know Mr Shaz lost everything with his first marriage and that was tough - sad though - after 12 years of marriage that it's hard to see what you have now

And in the time I have known you - you have worked - worked - and worked really hard

I hear you

Dec

yes too hard at times @Owlunar

reminds me of @Appleblossom , ex , sorry @Appleblossom

with his overworking

I think mr shaz now thinks he has to work all the time now

but we are still under the proverty line and trying to tell him we don`t need to overwork

@Former-Member, @Former-Member

Hi @Shaz51

Mr Shaz never seems happy about working and needs you to be there when he is because things go wrong - or seem to - if he is doing it alone

Both of you going onto disability would be so much easier but then the question is - what would he do with himself - he might just go to be because he feels anxious

I know you would be free to spend more time with your mum but that might cause Mr Shaz to be anxious too

Not easy - I hear that

Dec

mr shaz would retire tomorrow if he could @Owlunar tells me that everyday and he does not want to get out of bed

what would he do with himself - very true , he will be 60 soon

@Owlunar Thank you for hearing that. It took a long while for me to save up to buy a record cleaner as an item and now its not worth having a record player. It happened gradually. He played the game of me never being enough for his first born daughter and I just kept trying and more children and you have some idea. Practical music has been a constant ... whether someone practising or lessons (I taught for over 25 years) etc etc. It took too much energy for my requests to be heard in the family. Best just to go without. My son does not realise, but he also struggles and I have my fears about possible negative outcomes so see it is important that he gets his sense of the sacred. That is why I did it. I have so much now. He is going to sell his violin for money. He paid for it over 2 years when he was 15. I was proud that he did that. It was also my way of teaching him about diff between acoustic and digital. He is keeping 3 or 4 guitars. He has to find his impetus for life. If you know what I mean.

Now is my time. I have plenty to keep me happy. I have been blamed and shunned and isolated, but I am learning to reject that as unfair, and not feel the hurt and pain or anger at the injustice. I had so little support through any of my close deaths. My ex was immature, tho did his best, people just did not care about me, he spread cynicism around, did not know how toxic it could be. Forum friends have made a difference. I know I have survived against the odds. Survivor guilt plagued me for a while, but I find ways of making life meaningful even if my biological family cannot value me.

@Shaz51 I saw some articles about it not really being easy to get out of poverty by working hard. There is a lot of timing and luck involved, so I learn to settle. I like my old clothes, old furniture and old car. I do not feel jealous that my stuff is not new. My brother teased me a lot cos the area I live in is not flash.There are many things money cannot buy, that I have ... in spades ... lol

was using it (spade) today ... my ex and I bought it from one of the first second hand hardware stores in Melbourne. I took it as symbolic and left most of the tools with him when we split. It cost $5 and has lasted 30 years still going strong.

I do hear you @Appleblossom - being shunned ans isolated by an immature man who did not support your health during your close deaths - spreading his cynicism around and the toxicity bringing you down - even contaminating your son - yes - I know

I remember how I felt when it got back to me that my then-h was spreading untrue statements about me with his fellow free-masons - yes - a place where my female friends would not hear but I found out - and it's terrible to have that - yes

But wonderful that your son shares your love of music - I am glad you are trying to share the sacred nature of music with him - I am sorry he is sellling his violin too - why not one fo the guitars - he can only play one at a time. And yes my daughter has several guitars too - I only ever had one

Like you I found have a little of what I wanted was enough - for a long time we were financially screwed too and my then-h couldn't get himself out of bed in the morning and constantly lost his job and I would have to stop what I was doing and get a temporary job that paid more than he could earn - it drags us down - and it does start gradually -

I keep thinking and writing about ways to learn to love ourselves as women - though men are involved in self-esteem issues - and being our own best friend - it sounds as if you are making it now and I am so glad to read that. The forum is a great place to share and I am learning to share more now which is really helpful

I can honestly say survivor guilt has not bothered me - I have survived - I know I would get into one of the life-boats if something like Titanic was sinking beneath me. Thinking back though it was hard to sort it all out - put my son into foster-care and eventually end my sad and silent marriage - silent yes - unless I was yelling. Strange - I don't need to yell now

I wrote elsewhere in the forum recently - there is a Proverb -

"Better to live on the roof than to live with a nagging wife" -

We could extend that to living in the house with an unhelpful, toxic, lazy husband -

I'm really glad you have enough to keep you happy Apple - I do too - life can get better but it takes working it out and making hard choices

Dec

Ha ha @Owlunar

That is a dutch proverb

I have sung a Nederpop rock song called "Get off that roof". WHere the wife is yelling at the husband. Its hilarious. It has been helpful for me to relate to Dutch people in the now, and let go my sadness and neglect and gradually learn to laugh and have fun. Even though I dont understand the language properly I feel safe and NOT paranoid even if they are talking in another language. Most of them have been straight and decent enough with me. The lyrics they sing are usually witty and I like the lady who runs it. Went to a show and dinner recently with them and coincidentally one of them was at the same maternal welfare centre as I was with my first born. Weird but importnat to me as my loss of my daughter is one of my greatest griefs that I havenot discussed much and is best left ... to the side.

Hugs @Owlunar It matters to have good and intelligent conversations about family life.

As I left husband he warned me he would be taking steps to minimise child support ... and I guess that was partly what happened with my daughter. I was not well, but she does not feel close to her father either. I just have to let it be. She is very driven and successful and lives with an old teacher. ...hmmm. Questions about legit authority have always been big issue in my family. Nothing taken for granted. I am getting a sense that it is amazing I survived so that is lessening the guilt or sense of wanting to join the others on the other side. I was so grateful it was weird, but it will do damage if I dont thrive so that is what I must do.

hello @Former-Member , @Former-Member , @Owlunar , @Determined , @Smc , @Appleblossom , @Adge , @outlander

today we did one job and have been lazy for the rest of the day xx

mr shaz just found he has a flat tire on the mower

Hi @Shaz51 Is it a Ride-on mower?

They're the only mowers I know of, that have pump-up tyres.

Push mowers usually just have hard wheels.

It was enough of a drama with my punctured car tyre (last week) - having that with your mower too, would be a nuisance.

My mechanic said that builders (on building sites) throw their tech screws etc out onto the road - that's how I got a screw in my tyre (punctured).

Adge