Hi @Shaz51 🙂
Yes! I notice the a similar dance with "up" cycles with my partner. As we've only been together a few months, I'm still getting to know him and we're still going through the emotional dance of a new relationship; but the MI stuff does make it very different. My guy has been diagnosed with dysthymia and schizotypal personality disorder. When he's feeling good, he's wonderful company. When he's in another mood, he may withdraw and seem very mysterious. If he's depressed, he'll close off completely. It's been tricky to know if it's me or something I've done that he's responding to.
Usually he'll bring up something later on if he's bothered about something, which is good, but I've found he needs a lot of space and I needn't worry too much if it's about me or not - the bulk of the issue is that he processes his feelings in a particular way in his own time.
I wonder if things are going well, it triggers fear in our partners - they pull away because relationships from their upbringing haven't been safe - so the good feelings make them feel scared and afraid to open up: they buffer themselves because they've been hurt deeply before when they've trusted.
I think a lot of it in my guy is due to trauma in his childhood: he may have trust/security issues? I think the way he behaves would naturally confuse and push a lot of people away, but I think he wants the opposite: he seems so alone within himself and timid at times, which I think he buries and isolates himself emotionally or physically to ride through the wave. I am learning not to take it personally and focus on things that I like, that empower me, during those times.
Potentially complicating things further, we have an open relationship. However, it's just me being "open" at this time. I wonder whether my guy thinks I need this and he doesn't want to deny that for me because he wants to be with me. He has been very keen on having our relationship be "open" because he wants to be free if an opportunity presents itself to him.
However, there has been contradictory messages coming from him: he'll say he doesn't care if I see other people, for example, but during moments of vulnerability, he'll quietly mention that knowing about me being involved with other people makes him "mad": but that he doesn't want to explore that feeling within himself. It's also confusing for me in that it's not an open relationship in the "usual" way (if there is a "usual" way) - but what I mean, is that both people are comfortable with it and talk about it openly.
Of course I care about him and I told him I decided I won't see other people (because I want him to feel secure) - being "open" or not doesn't really bother me that much, in fact it can be a bit stressful. But when he's low and withdrawing, I find I crave emotional connection - to reinforce feeling wanted, included, considered etc. I'm not interested in a relationship with someone else, just that connection to reassure me that I'm okay and able to give and take with another person.
I'm wondering if that's how I can manage to be with my guy... I'll need to set very clear boundaries around who I see, how and when and always make my guy feel like the priority. It's almost like connecting with others physically in a very controlled way is an outlet that helps me get what I need when my guy can't be there for me. It also gives me social support at a particular level that helps me have more emotional strength to support my guy.
It's very unconventional but perhaps it could work: that way I don't feel so "controlled" by his moods, which are a product of his MI. I know he cares about me, but because of the MI issues, there's a limit to what he can provide to me and I need to honour my needs also. With this freedom though, there's a lot of responsibility and I wouldn't go and mess around with friends or with anyone developing a desire to have a relationship with me. Anyway, that's my 2c.
