AppleblossomSenior Contributor
APPROACHING SURE?
I had a drive into the country yesterday to attend a christmas lunch with people that I did not really know. I am needing to process what happened. If anyone would like to respond.
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APPROACHING SURE?
268 replies
In response to: APPROACHING SURE?
Unknown userMember
Re: APPROACHING SURE?
Take care @Appleblossom. I'll be thinking of you. No matter what happens with your MI don't forget that is not you, the wonderfully intelligent and talented Apple is you, the glitches are your MI. I know people will know the difference too. Go gently, brave and true 💜🤗😘
In response to: APPROACHING SURE?
Unknown userMember
Re: APPROACHING SURE?
Hi @Appleblossom I just read your post on the worry room. I didn't want to respond there. You have done a wonderful job getting your son to this point and he will always need you. I don't know him but I have read so many amazing stories about what you have sacrificed for him which will always trump any mental health breakdowns. He will know and understand suffering but that doesn't mean he has suffered because of it. I know it's hard to believe and I still struggle with this part but I keep being reassured it's true. Beyond that you offer so many people so many different things. For me you have always offered hope, compassion and wisdom. I look up to you.
I have seen when the forum was floundering at one point how you almost single handed kept it going responding in an amazing way to all the new members. You have a gift to connect to so many people. I know you have gifts in so many other arenas too.
So I hope that you can find a way to triumph over your past traumas and find some peace and healing. I hope you find strength to keep going and find joy in all the things you have in the past and new delights you'll find in the future. I know you can get past the things that are bringing you down now and create a new and better life.
As for the physical pain I can only imagine how that would be wearing but I don't have the experience of it to know how it feels. I know you've done an amazing job of dealing with it in the past. I very much wish that it eased for you.
I need you to know you would be very much missed by all your forum family but especially by me. It often feels like you're my guiding light through this mess. You get things and have that shared connection even though our backgrounds and experiences are so very different.
Please look after you the best way you can, you are so very important in this world.
Sending love and hugs 💜🤗
I have seen when the forum was floundering at one point how you almost single handed kept it going responding in an amazing way to all the new members. You have a gift to connect to so many people. I know you have gifts in so many other arenas too.
So I hope that you can find a way to triumph over your past traumas and find some peace and healing. I hope you find strength to keep going and find joy in all the things you have in the past and new delights you'll find in the future. I know you can get past the things that are bringing you down now and create a new and better life.
As for the physical pain I can only imagine how that would be wearing but I don't have the experience of it to know how it feels. I know you've done an amazing job of dealing with it in the past. I very much wish that it eased for you.
I need you to know you would be very much missed by all your forum family but especially by me. It often feels like you're my guiding light through this mess. You get things and have that shared connection even though our backgrounds and experiences are so very different.
Please look after you the best way you can, you are so very important in this world.
Sending love and hugs 💜🤗
In response to: APPROACHING SURE?
Unknown userMember
Re: APPROACHING SURE?
Hi @Appleblossom, been worried about you. You sound like your in a LOT of emotional pain and I just want to grab and hold you till it melts away. Is it possible for your youngest to stay with his dad or someone and you check into hospital, get assessed, have some practical support, feel safe, just for a breather? Its hard asking for help with our conditions (and I hear you re "impact of multiple traumas" for you also), hard to ask for help, but even harder for us to know when to, or that we need to. I think you need to. Please don't give up, and don't go away, plz! xox
In response to: APPROACHING SURE?
Unknown userMember
Re: APPROACHING SURE?
Oh, just in ticed you're travelling Apple, sorry, still catching up. Obviously hospital wouldn't fit in with travels, but be good to you. Plenty of distractions at least. Gosh. I can't keep track, mean well though lol 🙂
In response to: Re: APPROACHING SURE?
AppleblossomSenior Contributor
Re: APPROACHING SURE?
Thanks @Former-Member
@Former-Member You mean a lot to me. Yes heart being in the right place matters. I am not leaving til Friday, but having to focus and prepare son for me being away. Its good for him to have house to himself for a while. He is planning to have friends over and see his dad. His gf is overseas. Not trash the place friends .. lol .. I suggested it to him.
Then we meet up for last 5 days doing the opera concert.
In response to: APPROACHING SURE?
AppleblossomSenior Contributor
Re: APPROACHING SURE?
Well today brought some certainty from a bastion of believers in certainty I have been asked to resign from my church choir. I have accepted request and will abide by it. Am going through a sense of loss, but also relief, as I was constantly bombarded by believers in certainty, usually that they are right, and therefore have special dispensation from GOD to throw their weight around willynilly... and am wrong, not good enough not worthy .. etc I said something that will have triggered a lot of fear .. given the political atmosphere in the CBD on christmas eve. It is not something I would normally say, but I know the triggers were a little circumstantial like dream features often are. It is what it is. I am done with the struggle. I found sanctuary of my own making in my own imagination but within a social group, whilst singing on the altar. I made peace with my ghosts and a lot of fears, and MY COMMITMENT to it kept me alive to get my son to a more robust age. So I will be going through transitions as things in my life shuffle around. People here already know that I am at the end of my tether, thanks for any support. My psychologist is going to request that my psychiatrist see me sooner than March ... sigh .. Always fitting into other people's rules and expectations and timetables There is definite loss combined with a lifting of responsibility. A sense that a decision has been made for me .. not to keep pushing BS uphill like Sisyphus, My children are not concerned about religion. I guess it has been a way for doing my WORK in understanding a deep obsession of both my parents and the societies they grew up in. We live in different times. I will try not to let it get me down. They cant say I walked away from my marriage easily or away from my music ministry easily. The writing has been on the wall for a while. They want cosy yea sayers. I tried to find bridges. In a way it is a bit like me losing a big phantasy too. I did receive a few emails of support from choristers after my "attack" Christmas Eve, but they wont know about the request for a letter of resignation. I will leave it at that unless I am contacted further. In the meantime I will need you guys .. even tho I will be on the road. Peace ..
In response to: Re: APPROACHING SURE?
Unknown userMember
Re: APPROACHING SURE?
im so sorry to hear that 😞 its an unfair world and people are tend to run from confrontation, or anything that makes them uncomfortable actually, rather than be compassionate and help. I'm so sorry.
I know you are struggling so much, i hope that you can get into see psychiatrist soon after you get home from your trip. Yes it is crap that people cant acess help when you need it... it is like asking someone who has a ble#ding wound to just leave it as it is for a few weeks while they find an appointment..
keep believing in yourself, you are worthy, you are amazing and you have gotten this far through obstacles far greater than a few wimpy leaders of a choir who have little compassion. (bit cross with them all on your behalf..)
take care while away, will be thinking of you and sending strength your way,
lj
In response to: APPROACHING SURE?
Unknown userMember
Re: APPROACHING SURE?
Swear word swear word swear word is the fist thing that came to mind @Appleblossom. I'd seriously like to have words with them. It made me so angry to read.
I know it can be a lot of crap but sometimes when things are taken out of our hands and we have no control new doors open in strange places. I'm kind of counting on that for me and praying for it for you.
Hang in there @Appleblossom. Always here for you no matter what glitches happen here or away from the forum. 💜🤗
I know it can be a lot of crap but sometimes when things are taken out of our hands and we have no control new doors open in strange places. I'm kind of counting on that for me and praying for it for you.
Hang in there @Appleblossom. Always here for you no matter what glitches happen here or away from the forum. 💜🤗
In response to: Re: APPROACHING SURE?
AppleblossomSenior Contributor
Re: APPROACHING SURE?
@Former-Member I think you are assessing it, accurately re me needing to go to hospital. i do ask for help, I have never been too proud to ask for help. But if they really dont want to put me in hospital, they can usually talk me into saying I fine and I will go away.
I have always been like that, but anyone with half an inkling would know that I do need it, am beyond distressed, isolated and need support.
i would say there have been dozens of times I could have been admitted, but not.
I am hoping you are right too @Former-Member .
Thanks @Former-Member
In response to: Re: APPROACHING SURE?
Unknown userMember
Re: APPROACHING SURE?
hello @Appleblossom
I am finding now that I need to be conscious of addiction to this site too as you mentioned in one of your earlier posts.
my husband is keeping a strong eye out when he is here as well.
However, that is not why I am talking to you. Apologies head still all over the place.
I have actually read your whole thread.
I know your name well yet only remember parts of your story in reading your whole thread today.
This tells me how bad I have been. I have also found stuff on other threads that i have written and dont remember.
I still am learning how to use this site properly.
No I have not been drinking alcohol and actually I dont think you would assume that.
I believe that you are growing. You have been on a very tiring journey. You have been trampled on. Talked over and taken for granted. How do I know this. I read in between the lines and some of your story is similar to mine and yet so different at the same time.
I am referring to the speaking up, speaking out part.
I am a listener and have a very soft voice. For the majority of my life I have been trying to be heard in all circumstances even within my own family. I have had many dreams, nightmares where i am screaming but no sound is coming out of my voice.
Being heard and listened to is starting to happen now because I am finally making it happen regardless of how ridiculous I might sound or look.
I feel that the resigning from the choir was meant to happen. It is an ending of that part of your life.
You are too strong for those people now. They were restricting you, hindering you from further growth.
Your son is reflecting that in his actions and responses to you. he loves and respects you.
You are finally getting the respect you have long deserved.
Yes you are tired, weary, exhausted, shaken, emotional and so many other emotions. hospital is an option depending on the hospital of course. time out, a sanctuary, somewhere with trees would be good.
You have let go because you now need to and because you can. simply that. because you can.
i feel very spiritual not religious spiritual in writing this to you and please please do not take any of this the wrong way.
I have the utmost respect for you from just reading your story. i needed to read it as a whole though.
perhaps i am in a place where i am able to take it in today as well most probably at this moment yes.
I do hope that I have not already written to you somewhere else i am strongly feeling a sense of deja vu.
