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Not a good night

Change123Senior Contributor

Not a good night

I'm just trying to put my emotions on here so they dont eat me up.

I was going so well last night and then I said something that I know is a trigger for my partner, it was something about intimacy and I wanted to discuss but I guess my timing was not so good. Either it came out wrong or he was just so badly triggered by it that he went right off at me. I have had no sleep as he kept yelling at me through the night and even this morning. I'm just trying to keep calm at the moment so I dont start crying or breaking down at work. Its like they expect us to get over BPD over night and as soon as I do something that is "BPD" i get told how useless I am and that I'm just like every other BPD person out there, all we do is cause pain and chaos for everyone. Right now I'm numb and worried about going home later, infact he has told me in a rage not to come home. I know what I said was wrong but I didnt mean it the way it came out and he never lets me explain and just says that I'm lying and being manipulative - I tried apologising a few times but it was too late. I didnt react to him in the sense I didnt yell I just stood there and took it. I dont know what to think as soon as he starts on me its like my whole world comes crumbling down no matter how good I have been - I really hate that about myself.... I can feel the darkness coming over me right now and trying to fight it but I dont know if I have the energy or strength....

25 replies

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In response to: Not a good night

Change123Senior Contributor

Re: Not a good night

Well last night was take 2 of the previous night but I remained calm.

probably wont be on the boards much today extremely tired still not getting sleep, starting to feel like I'm not functioning right.

In response to: Re: Not a good night

Shaz51Senior Contributor

Re: Not a good night

Hello @Change123

are you working today ??

Is there somewhere you can go to to have a sleep my friend

@Former-Member, @Former-Member, @Former-Member, @NikNik, @CherryBomb

In response to: Re: Not a good night

Change123Senior Contributor

Re: Not a good night

@Shaz51

Yes I work 5 days a week but lately because its quiet its been reduced to 4 days, but I'm working tomorrow due to shutting down next week and thats good as I'm not at home so gives some space.

But no nowhere to sleep, also not eating much as too tired and too stressed with home but I am making myself eat something 2 a day. I have a podiatrist appoint and things to do after work so wont get home till 7.30 8pm then tea and somewhere some sleep....

Today will be hard, if you see my thread on rage with bosses - everyone has gone stupid today and their are arguments and crap happening everywhere already that I have had to deal with and waiting on a massive blow up between the female owner and receptionist who is in her 60's and had enough of their crap and if anything goes down today she will resign aaaaaaaaaaaghhhhhhhhhh!

BUT I'M REMAINING CALM, been playing pink floyd in my back office and now Mazzy Star even more mellow and dreamy music to calm me. I think with my emotional discipline unless I'm pushed and pushed and pushed I can control the rage now. All I'm trying to achieve is for me basically, to NOT let this stress me out too much. problem is that the boss is so gutless she gets me and the ops manager to do all her dirty work anyway will stop now otherswise will work myself up and I'm damned if I will give them that satisfaction.

Thanks for checking in on me.

In response to: Re: Not a good night

Change123Senior Contributor

Re: Not a good night

@Shaz51

Well things have got a lot calmer at home, he is now trying to make up for some things said and done. On Friday with the lack of sleep I had I just got into bed after he got up as I was still on the lounge and basically slept in bed from 9am to 3pm and felt so much better for it. I think when he saw how stressed my body was from all this as I started to get sick he realised just how much it effected me.

Anyway here's hoping that while I'm on 3 weeks annual leave things will get better - wait and see.

Thanks for checking on me through this @Shaz51 it was a very difficult time but I got through it!

In response to: Re: Not a good night

Shaz51Senior Contributor

Re: Not a good night

Hello @Change123 xx

always here for you my friend xx

emember you are not alone

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