A Poem? Maybe?

@SCORPION

Hey Scorpion, it's always a never knowing battle that we fight, will we ever see the dawn of that new light, the one where everything finally feels right.

I understand things are tough, i have been having the very best rollercoaster these last couple or so weeks, which i can't quite put my finger on as to why i am feeling the way i am, i have had no abilities or emotion available to make any sort of input into things.

The tricky thing is, and i struggle with it as well, and it sounds like you are at the moment too, the unknowing of are things getting better.

Is there that silver lining we have heard about just around the corner.

Yes there is, the corner might be a little bit longer for us to get around, and sometimes we get around it to find another corner, I thought i had come around the corner, but i just found another corner, so i am pushing forward some more.

Main thing is be kind and gentle on yourself, when these things happen, don't where possible force too much against yourself and be ready for the next bend.

i hope some of this makes sense for you

Hello Friends,

I am finding myself, having slipped into a depressive state, without realising, well no, that is not entirely true, i have noticed it, and hence have not been able to figure out how to transcirbe thought to words, because everything i have written i have deleted, having not been impressed with the way it has read, or sounded, i have tried writing responses to others in other posts, and found myself, grating on my own nerves with what i had written.

So i figure, obviously there is something stuck in my head that i need to clear out and work out what it is that is troubling me.

Sorry for being all about me in this regard.

I am feeling this way, because i know that my court case went better then expected, i guess i had kind of gotten the expectation up on myself that the outcome was going to be a lot worse and seeing that it was a really good outcome, the best possible i suppose i feel that some how i have cheated the system, which makes no sense, i pleaded guilty, a few things got changed in "her" statement" and a couple of charges were dropped, all in all it was trialled correctly...... Yet the feeling is there.

I am going to talk to my gp and psychologist about it this week, as i see them both later this week, perhaps they will have some kind of answer for me, something that i am just missing in my thought process with it.

But enough about that, i did a huge leap of faith forward last week, well i stepped forward in hopefully the right direction, i don't know if i am ready............ but i actually applied for a job, i recieved a follow up phone call as well, so a phone interview, i think i did pretty good, altho i might have mucked up the answers, they might have been seeking, but all in all, i think i did well.

I am hoping to get the job, because then i will be able to move forward again, i know i might be moving too quickly, but i need to move, i feel stagnant, which means boredom, plus, i want to be able to not be stressing about my bills, so much, i hopefully can start getting on top of everything again, and start living my life.

As usual just needed to vent so to speak, try and get my thoughts right in my head, thanks for listening

Everyone here has been fantastic

Hi Everyone,

I am new to all this, but my father before he died told me about a poem that used to bring things back into perspective for him. i found the words most true and i would like to share it with all of you.

Thanks @Jacques for sharing that piece, i have had to read it a few times, been having an offish week this week, depression was getting me pretty low, well it hit it's lowest over a few weeks, and then today i am finding myself getting wound up, which is a warning sign that i am getting manic/hyped.

That piece is a really good piece, in encourgment and giving a sense of ideals to live life by.... while i may disagree with some of it, i still really like it.

So again thank you for sharing

How does one define what is wrong or right, in what they are thinking?

It is a question i have asked myself today after seeing my psychologist, you see, for some reason or another, i self critise myself immensly, so much so that my viewpoint of myself is somewhat jaded as to what is good or bad about me. You see, altho i tend to find solace in the fact that i am doing what i can do, and am finding my struggles sometimes easier sometimes harder, i still have an underlying factor, of having a belief system in place, that is highly negative, this does not seem to stem from trauma albeit none that i can recall, and yet for reasons unknown i cast myself with such negativity that it impacts me quite severly.

Honestly, i am very fortunate, which i am aware of, and yet, with such fortune i question it, to the point where i do not believe i deserve it, i don;t deserve to be allowed to forgive myself for my wrongs, even when those wrongs have been shown to me to just be a thought, not a fact, when one such as myself views these thoughts i find myself automatically turning them into fact, or some form of it, and then i kick myself for being given an easy path.

Now i know that my path is not easy per say, i still have my challenges to contend with, and with those challenges i still have dark memories to face and deal with, it just sometimes feels like once i start getting somewhere, my thoughts decide they do not like me feeling better about something and so they remind me of the bad.

Why when one is told that due to their illness and misuse of illegal narcotics one must then also learn to forgive oneself for the actions that occured during times of great unrest, when one was at their sickest, it does not change the fact that while in this temporary state i did actually do those things, nor for me does it give me a passing ticket, to accept that those things were out of my control, instead i find myself conflicted, now this does not occur every day, it is only when i find myself getting into a depressed state that these truths unfold and yet, when i am somewhat levelled or even hyped/manic the thoughts do not occur, or if they do they are not even strong enough to warrant an acknowledgment.

Basically i think what i am saying or asking, is how does one learn to change such a viewpoint? i know that it will come with learning to recognise when the negative thoughts are happening, but i know with the amount of deep seeded negativity i have in me, that some of these thoughts are actually more then just thoughts they are almost ingrained in my "normal" way of being.

Other than all that mess, I am looking forward to this weekend, i don't have a whole lot planned, but next week, i am working for my old boss for a week, he asked me if i could help him with something, so that is good, and last week i applied for a job, so even tho i am not neccesarily feeling the greatest mind wise, i am getting more focused and looking to start getting back into work mode, i think with the meds and progress i have made, i am ready.

If you have read all of this - You Rock! if not - you still Rock!

Thanks for letting me vent lol

Negatives verses positives. That's a battle I've been fighting for most of my life, but even more so since the 1st of May. I did something silly on that day and damaged my shoulder and my pride. My mother used to always say........ "Pride commeth before a fall." Well, this was definitely the other way around.

My shoulder has healed, but not my state of mind. I dropped my bundle and have so far haven't recovered, not made any better by the fact that my psych team signed me off their books and I've been feeling terribly depressed ever since. So a positive perhaps that the psych team felt that I was well enough to go it alone, a deep negative that they've abandoned me. Abandonment. A curse that plagues me! I'm currently keeping my head down and am off work until Oct 25th, but the reality is that I may never go back again. I'm a psych nurse, yes, but one who has become totally disillusioned by the way the public system treats people, so I'm putting my hope into further education, even at my age. I've just put in an application for a cert 4 in Training and Assessment to commence mid July. It will give me a focus, for I fear without one, I may not be here a lot longer.

But to you Kato. You're obviously much stronger than you know and I really admire your tenacity to not let your issues get you down. You keep trying and are an inspiration to all of us here. All the best with the job application. I've got everything crossed for you. You're an inspiration for me and I'll try to do well in the course with that in mind. Thank you.

Ellie.

@Ellie

I am glad to hear that your shoulder has healed, i have had friends who have had shoulder injuries and they can be quite bothersome. I never have had any sort's of sayings told to me, altho i do like one...... it's a tad gimmicky given that it comes from Batman's Dad or his butler possibly both....... it goes Why do we fall? So we can learn to pick ourselves up.

Now i know myself sometimes the learning can take a long time, or it can be fairly quick, but i think if we keep aiming to pick ourselves up we find ourselves not falling so far the next time. I hope that made sense.

Seeing that your psych team signed you off, i guess they might have thought everything was going ok for you? can you maybe get back in touch with them to, re-initiate some support structures?

The public system has also disillusioned myself, having been through some not fun times with them, so i can understand how frustrating it would have been if you were involved as a psych nurse, further training sounds promising tho, it sounds like a good goal to have with cert 4 in training and assessment, i believe that you, having made this decision, has given you that strength to strive for your new goal, and i believe you will attain that certification.

I thank you for seeing these qualities in me, i find myself getting knocked down and i think of the song tub thumpers i think it's called, makes me smile.

This is what i have always liked about this forum, we gather our strength from each other, our drive our inspiration from others who are going through similar, we don't recognise it in ourselves but others see it, because what you see in me is what i see in you.

Please keep me updated on how you are going with things, i will have everything crossed that your course goes well.

Thank You

Kato