A Poem? Maybe?

Hey @Alessandra1992

yeah the main problem i have with drugs, is my impuveness, to automatically say yes, if offered, i hadn't really realised this until today, i have trained my brain to sub consciously make that decision, without any other thought, a little bit scary really, but it makes sense to me.

I am hoping to re-train my brain over time

but yeah was interesting to review so to speak my history, and reasons behind it etc etc

also quite confronting, admitting the true history of dependence i have had

but i can see the good in addressing it already so i got that going for me

I once knew a man, as happy as he could be,

Strong, gentle and caring, a fantastic thing to see,

He slowly crumbled and was swallowed,

To the depths of deepest darkness,

He reached out for help, but only found empty promises,

Searching high and low, for a brightness to guide him,

A small hope was found, and kindness given,

From people he does not know, faces of the anonymous,

With the kindness, came a sense of belonging,

Slowly he is growing stronger and being more accepting,

He's fate has turned, and he can see,

Thank you all, for giving this man a second beginning,

This man is Me.

What a fantastic heart wrenching poem.

It tells me so much of what you have been through, and are still going through.

You should have this turned into a song. Do you know anyone who could do it?

I wait for the next poem which I hope will express your growth towards happiness.

My saying which has helped me since hitting rock bottom is "SMALL STEPS". One day I will write a poem too. You have inspired me.

Keep writing. It is a wonderful way to "get it out there"!

@INSIDEOUT

Hi insideout, is your comment in reference to the opening poem? the first one on this post i mean? there are a few poems throughout this post, feel free to browse them, it is open for everyone to write in, i never considered myself poetic until one day i wrote here.

If it is regarding my stuff that i have written, i don't know how to turn it into a song per say, or know of anyone who does

but thank you for your encouragement

Oh and if you are refering to someone else's poem here, all good too 🙂

I like the poems I firmly believe they help..

my Poems are and tend too ramble but here goes.

NEAR THE DARK,,

I hear the silence of internal pain

I see the depth of hidden shame

I speak the words only me to blame

I live the lies again and again.

You hear my voice in the night

You see my face in the quiet light

You speak the words of strength and might

You allow my soul to take flight

We hear your cries in desperate fear

We see your face in an angels tear

We speah the words you long to hear

We understand and love you right now right here.

(hope you don laugh)

@Tight-Control

I really like this, i can relate to what you have written. believe me i don't see it as rambling, i see so much depth and honesty in it, i can see myself in it.

I could never laugh at this.

Thank you for sharing this

Hey @Tight-Control

That is really beautiful - I love it. Thanks for sharing. I agree with kato - definitely wouldn't laugh. Well done! You have a real gift.

Kindest regards,

Kristin

Hi everyone,

I haven't been ignoring the forums, not the slghtest i have still been on everyday checking through posts and messages, i have just found myself Lost, i can't think straight, i can't even comprehend what some people are going through, or even try to be empathetic or sympathetic towards anyone.

The change of meds, have me washed out so much every day that i struggle to even have clear train of thoughts, altho lately, i have become fixed on the upcoming court case in just under or over 1 week now, i am catastrophising everything, every small thing to every big thing in my life. I discovered that in pushing myself for answers the only response i got back from me to me, was i don't deserve any kindness from the courts, or from anyone actually, i know jail is probably not on the cards as my punishment, but in a weird way i want it to be.

I have found myself withdrawing from everything that i used to enjoy doing, nothing actually makes me happy, glad or any semblance of joy, i miss that.

i have one friend i catch up with, but that is creating another problem, well it is increasing another problem, epiphany for me, anything i do i do to the extremes, drinking, gambling, drugs, anything that is not good to do, i do, or try to do, and always to the extreme, ergh my counsellor says it is normal, because of the way i have trained myself, and my psychologist says it is all part of my coping mechanism for dealing with bipolar, but come on seriously, is this what i am going to have to contend with every day of my life, fighting with myself over not going to the extremes with things that are a bad idea, just because i have bipolar.

I know my diagnosis is not who i am but a part of who i am and does not define me, but then what does define me? all the wrongs that i have done, and what about the future, what about all the wrongs that i haven't done yet but can feel in myself that they will happen.

It's funny, i look back on my journal entries, and on stuff i have posted on here, yes i have come a long way, but i don't know how much further i can go, i feel like i have come to a dead end, hit the cross roads of life, and at every turn there is a brick wall, staring back at me, with a smirk on it's face saying too bad,

Basically i am just saying i am lost and struggling and afraid

Dearest @kato

What a horrendous time for you. I'm so sorry.

It is no wonder that you feel empty of any ability to empathise - you are so utterly overwhelmed with your own circumstances, and understandably so. In the midst of this it must be very hard to tell whether the meds are helping mitigate your distress or worsening it because of the fog.

What I think I hear you saying about the court case and prison is that you feel so terrible about all that you feel you have got so wrong that an opportunity for penance would be a relief. This is truly remorse my friend. It can be quite heart-breaking. In the meantime you are punishing yourself, which is very hard not to do.

Growth is never just in one direction, it is more like a pendulum trying to find its resting place, or like a wheel rolling along. Sometimes it will swing too far, or the wheel hit that terribly painful spot (and there are many) and we feel like "here I go again". But each time we learn a bit more grow a bit more and though we may need to deal repeatedly with the same issues until we have fully learned the things we need to overcome, we are moving forward in that process. I'm afraid this needs a big picture view, and you have been growing so much in such a short time that your "big picture" looks black to you. But I want you to know I see a picture full of hope in the midst of that darkness.

No you are not bi-polar: it doesn't define you. Yes you do need to battle with yourself at the moment: in setting and keeping boundaries to help keep you and others safe. The longer term picture (and I think you may have even experienced a little of this already) is that every time you set and insist on holding those boudaries it gets a little bit easier. You are learning to trust yourself, it's a long process. I know you can be trusted to keep your word. The hardest and most painful thing can sometimes be to keep our word to ourselves. What behaviour the future holds you do have a say in, you have none about changing the past - beyond feeling remorse which is a good thing to grapple with. Please try to remember some self-compassion in the mix.

Perhaps it seems like all the doors are closed, but they never are my friend. Keep searching, the one that's left open might just be a most unlikely invitation to grow into yourself.

Your courage and honesty in telling us you're lost and struggling and afraid are once again beacons of emerging self-hood in the midst of dark - like your profile pic. Please keep posting and reaching out. Take care of you please.

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Have you got a support person coming to the court case with you?

With sometimes shocking grace hope does endure...

Kindest regards,

Kristin

PS Would a walk help at all?