Oscillation between two mind sets

@amber22, going back home now. I was at uni today. I think I might know one of the reasons why I feel ashamed

How was uni today?

I'm sitting with you if you need it @creative_writer

💘

@amber22, uni was okay. It was the first day back.

I don’t know what to say. I feel so humiliated

I hope your first day wasn't too daunting @creative_writer

Why might you be feeling humiliated right now? Is there anything that you might be able to do that could help relieve a bit of this feeling?

@amber22, the first day back wasn’t daunting. It’s just my mind went on a loop of rumination. It’s hard not to feel humiliated. Quite frankly I’m not even sure who I can talk to about it. Maybe it’ll have to wait till my psych appointment in 2 weeks.

I’m on the train back right now, maybe I’ll feel better once I’m at home and can rest. I’m very exhausted, I think my body needs more electrolytes

That's totally understandable, I'm sorry that you're experiencing that rumination today but I'm glad that you're able to go home now and hopefully rest.

Electrolytes sound like a really good idea. Is there anything you can do this afternoon that might help you to rest after such a challenging day? @creative_writer

@amber22, I’m just tired. These thoughts won’t leave. I don’t feel like I have a safe place to go to so I just keep it to myself

Hey @creative_writer just been reading along. This caught my attention:

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@creative_writer wrote:
At the same time I’m having thoughts telling me I subconsciously enjoyed it. Can someone ever be responsible for SA?

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I have heard that this is not an uncommon question that survivors ask themselves. Physiologically, there can be a seemingly positive body response to SA occurring, and it is sometimes used as 'evidence' by people who try to deny or diminish the impact, or justify the actions of the perpetrator. Those people are wrong. The only thing that matters is whether consent was freely and enthusiastically given (and that means not being coerced, convinced, or pushed into it; sometimes we will say yes to something we don't want because the alternative feels unsafe). We cannot control how our bodies respond to sensory input, and having some kind of 'positive' or 'pleasurable' response has nothing to do with whether or not it was SA; i.e. whether or not the act was morally wrong.

I've read that often these survivors can end up spiralling in shame because they question whether or not it really was SA, and I think it can be incredibly difficult to try to talk about this with others who may not understand, and who might try to gaslight the survivor into thinking that if they 'enjoyed' it, then their trauma is invalid.

Consent is what matters most. And the only person responsible for SA occurring is the perpetrator. Always.

If you wanna unpack it further or chat about it more, I'm always happy to listen hun. And if a distraction could help, and you don't wanna keep thinking on this and talking about it, I am always happy to do that too 💜

@Jynx, it’s like my brain is hyper-processing or something today. I don’t even know how that happened. I know deep down the physiological reaction has been making me feel so ashamed. I don’t think I really realised the extent of it until today. It only really clicked to me on the train when going to uni in the morning. Mental contamination feeling is related

@creative_writer sounds like your brain is in a space where it feels safe enough to start processing things, and it's all hitting at once. It's pretty normal for our brains to take time to 'catch up'. Do you think it could be a good time to reach out to a specialist service, if it's becoming overwhelming? I know we've spoken about CASA before, they've got support lines on their website. You could also give 1800Respect a buzz? They do have webchat too, at the bottom of the page. I just took a little poke around their website, seems they also have an app that helps with locating other services in your area, could be worth an explore.

In any case, perhaps tonight it might be good to focus on things that can help you to regulate and stay grounded. The antidotes to shame, in my experience, are empathy, acceptance, and warmth, so maybe reaching out to services who can provide that sense of validation and help you to feel seen and understood in your experiences could help to diminish its power over you.

Sending you some huggles darlin 🫂💜