Oscillation between two mind sets

@Jynx, I always feel out of place, it is isolating. I hate admitting that, but that is how it is

@creative_writer would you say that it feels like imposter syndrome-type thing? Or more that you feel out of place socially?

It's hard to admit, for sure. In my experience though, talking openly about the things that scare us helps to disempower those thoughts.

@Jynx, I am always worried about saying the wrong thing and being rejected, so I don’t give it my all. I come across as very shy. I feel I don’t really fit anywhere.

As a means of protecting myself, I have limited my social interaction due to fear. Placement was scary, I really had to put myself out there. People were really nice on placement and I got compliments, but I found it hard to accept them. Maybe it’s a social anxiety thing

@creative_writer I've found that with social anxiety, the most powerful thing I can do to alleviate it is to name it. Right there in the moment. "Hey thanks for the compliment, I'm a bit nervous so I don't know what to say but I appreciate the kindness." Or like, "I'm feeling a bit anxious but please know I do want to chat/connect more, it might just take time for my system to relax." The reason it helps is because most people are quite familiar with social anxiety! Often I get a response of like, "Oh that's okay, no judgement here" or "I'm feeling nervous too, thanks for saying that" or "Totally understandable, I know the feeling". It also signals to them that I'm not being rude, I'm not disinterested, I'm just tryna work with a survival system that's got all its alarm bells ringing. And, anyone who shames me or makes me feel bad is then already flagged as an unsafe person - someone who I don't want to invest any time or energy into connecting with anyway.

It can be really hard at first, suuuper uncomfortable; but I really have found that the saying "All progress takes place outside of the comfort zone" to be incredibly true. It gets easier and easier every time I do it.

@Jynx, I think covid shot many people’s social anxiety up. I do feel placement did help my social anxiety to a certain level. I wonder if social anxiety plays a big role in my reluctance to reach out for support. I kind of often assume people will judge, won’t be able to manage my emotions and won’t understand.

I have thoughts itching inside me, yet I feel too scared to talk about it. I don’t even know if talking about it is even a good idea to be honest. I can’t talk about it here

@creative_writer oh yeah for sure. Being isolated for so long has had pretty big impact on us all. And yeah, it would make sense that it does! Reaching out for support is itself a form of social connection, even if it's got its own dynamics at play. If we've been shut down, ridiculed, judged, or otherwise made to feel unsafe when being vulnerable in the past, it makes sense that it then feels like an insurmountable wall to be able to do so again. Even if our logic-brains know its safe, our survival-brains supercede logic-brain and throw up all these walls and blockades in an attempt to protect us. Silly little animal brains, too simple for our own good sometimes, i.e. 'This action brought me pain in the past, so it will always be painful to do this action'. We really are just pattern-recognition machines, so in order to change our behaviour we have to show our brains experientially that there are different patterns, and that there can be safety in a course of action that once felt unsafe.

Hmm... would it help to journal? Or connect to a chat service perhaps? I am a firm believer in the saying, "What's shareable is bearable", so I'd advocate for talking it out somewhere. Unless it could lead to rumination, though it sounds like if it's 'itching' your brain, it wants to come out.

Yes! I like your thinking. Now I have to do it.

@Jynx, I’m not sure where to go to be honest. I’m scared of saying too much. If I do get at the bottom of things, there is something that isn’t sitting quite right with me. There is a real conflict. On one hand I have the belief the God is loving and compassionate and won’t hold me to account for what I couldn’t control. On the other hand I have worries that people will think I’ve done something wrong and think me of me as less. I did start having a conversation the other day, it was more blunt than what I’ve mentioned here. I’m trying to somehow balance this. I don’t even know why I care so much what other people would think.

Hi @Doog, how are you doing today?

Could that be projection @creative_writer - that you have these conflicting beliefs, one of which is that you've done something wrong to have deserved what you've been through, so your brain assumes that others would feel that way too?

It's normal to care a lot about what others think, it's in our biology - we evolved to be social animals, and being rejected once also meant death if we were ostracised from our tribal group. But we can learn to build up a sense of internal validation and acceptance, a knowledge or reassurance that even if some people reject us, we will still be okay. Nothing others do is because of us, it is a result of their own experiences and their own projections of reality. We can teach our systems that rejection does not result in death, and that we can be choosey about the people with whom we spend our time and energy. And then it becomes easier to share the vulnerable parts of ourselves, knowing that the reactions we get are not reflections of our vulnerability, but of the other person's ability (or inability) to sit with and process that information.

@Jynx, maybe I did have expectations from myself, but I couldn’t fulfil those, I didn’t have a choice. I assume other people have similar expectations. It’s easier to say it doesn’t matter and my self worth isn’t based off that, but at the end of the day, my brain thinks it matters. One side of me says you’ve done nothing wrong (I know this is the accurate belief), the other part of me says you’ve done something sinful. I can’t stop the thoughts even though I know they’re not accurate. I think those thoughts are creating a bit of a barrier, they just keep coming and coming