Oscillation between two mind sets

Hey there @creative_writer 🌺💜

Im so sorry I missed this message...

It sounds like things have been hard lately.. I read back through a few posts where you were upset and crying alone, and also wondering if being a therapist with vulnerabilities and history of trauma is possible.

Just wanted to gently say, crying is a very normal response to emotional hardship, and sometimes it can be a very real way to express what we need to express when there are no words, or anyone there to speak with xx

I still cry, when things become emotionally hard in any way, and I have no shame attached to those tears (which took me ages to learn, but I got there xx) and I let them flow, then gently nurture my feelings with some really nice self talk, and then I try again to do adulting as best I can 🙂

In terms of being a therapist or professional in the helping professions, it's absolutely fine to go into these work spaces as a person with vulnerabilities and lived experience! There's a concept discussed in counselling practice called self-as-therapist, where the "conscious, active and purposeful use of self by the therapist in the therapeutic process is an essential aptitude in establishing an effective therapeutic relationship", as well as having traits of unconditional positive regard and empathy - which can be both applied to the client and self (practitioner) within the therapeutic relationship 🙂

I tend to acknowledge my vulnerabilities as being assets to how I can recognise and show empathy to a person regarding their troubles, and I often mention that I have lived experience, because this helps build trust.

I hope this in some way can give a little bit of insight into a different approach, however at the end of the day, no matter what lived experience you have, your health is a priority and is very valuable to you and to the people you go on to help, so finding ways to feel ok in your own skin is a very worthwhile pursuit, and IMHO a lifelong one that does get easier as time goes by 🙂 xx

Go gently dear CW xx

Hey there @creative_writer 🌺💜

I’m sorry 💜

rejection and invalidation are so hard 😔

I hope there comes a time when you feel the ok with tears and the benefit they can have in releasing hurt 🌺

yes it’s a bit of work indeed to feel at ease and confident enough to use our experiences to help others - just want to kindly mention that from the way I understand it, you’re already doing that here on the forums in a lot of ways 🙂🌺

Soeaking from my own point of view, sometimes the way I envision what I do is not exactly the way someone else sees it, and even if I feel I’m not able to use my experiences very well, the underlying thread of empathy and connection comes across regardless, because I’m willing to be in that space and share it, based on that unspoken common experience 🙂🌺 That connection and holding space with deep understanding and empathy is still using my experience without speaking of my experience..I hope that makes sense? 🙂

this is what I feel is the basis of using experience as a means of connecting - even without having the ability or opportunity to use the experience stories 🙂
I can really understand not having the ability to hold space, too, which happens. I had a psychologist years and years ago who was asking me about events in my life and as I was explaining in a matter of fact way, she just started crying. Sobbing. She said she’d never in her prior 20 years had this happen, and she said hearing my experiences just hurt her badly in terms of the incredible injustice, and as a result she just couldn’t hold that space. She said she felt bad for what happened, however I gently held her hand and told her it was ok - I knew that she had heard me and that meant a lot to me.
she said she’d work on not letting that ever happen again, and I said please reconsider because I feel heard and you have connected in a way that nobody has ever before in a therapeutic space - I feel understood for the first time. This professional ‘mistake’ of hers lead to a better therapeutic connection because I then existed and I had being validated by someone else for the pain of what I was going through, within that space of pain that otherwise was so invalidated.

anyway, I hope there is something helpful there 🙂

I’m not at my best lately so if my explanations aren’t on point just let me know🌺

💜🤗

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@creative_writer wrote:
I want to get to a stage where I feel trauma no longer defines me, but I’m just not there yet.

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It will happen hun, I really, truly believe in you. Cos honestly you remind me of a younger me! And I can see how much work you're putting in, too. You have all the strength, courage, and self-awareness you need, as well as a sharp mind and amazing integrity. You'll get there, have faith 😊💜

Hey there @creative_writer 🙂 💜

I think thats a really key thing youve mentioned, about therapists feeling and getting an understanding of what trauma is like for their clients... I was wondering if that made you feel understood in your experience? Please feel free to leave responding if you dont want to - I understand if that is so xx

Reducing sensory input via light by using glasses that filter sounds like a really good idea while out and about and on placement, and with the aim of reducing the effect in the evenings from the day time exposure to full/blue spectrum light.

Yes, that does make sense about wanting trauma to not be what defines you, for sure. I still wonder what that would be like, and I havent yet found the answer, but that doesn't mean its not out there somewhere 🙂

Im just sorry you feel you cant be authentic - that sounds really hard and sucking in tears sounds so very silencing... Please know you are totally respected and appreciated for who you are here on the forums, and I think youre one of the bravest people I know, as you navigate life and its hardships sweetheart xx 🙂 💜

@creative_writer mm it's hard when it's someone else's words, but said to you in your own voice. Sometimes I will try to talk to that voice, find out what it's trying to accomplish - like the 'lazy/not trying hard enough' rhetoric tends to come from the part of me that wants me to succeed, to have a purpose and achieve my goals... so it is usually coming from a good place, it's just the method used (criticism) that actually ends up doing more harm than good. One of my recent fav quotes: "If being hard on yourself worked, it would have worked by now."

Also, this:

I don't just not use the word lazy, I truly believe laziness doesn't exist. Every single behaviour we describe as lazy can pretty much be narrowed down to whether we have capacity - spoons theory basically. And we ND folks (and of course folks with MHI/chronic health conditions) have far fewer spoons than most.

Yes @creative_writer , it’s that life experience that can lead to understanding isn’t it 🌺💜

Couldn’t agree more regarding trauma and being not defined by it - very well said 🙂💜🌺

masking how you feel when not feeling safe is very understandable - especially around others. Do you feel a bit like maturity widens the gap between you and people sometimes? This is something I wondered when I was younger, too 🙂🌺