Oscillation between two mind sets

It feels like I’m sinking but I’m trying to hold on, I want to be able to come out of this stronger. But right now I see pain, I see rage, I see sadness, I see fear. I’m struggling to sit with these ghosts, they keep whispering to me. I want to live in the present, but they keep taking me back to another time and place. They keep reminding me of what has been taken, how worthless I am, how incomplete I have become. I never wanted things to be this way, but you can’t control the waves. I thought I should use my experiences to become stronger, a better version of myself, and to allow my empathy to deepen for others. At the same time
I hold rage over what happened, and I wish to erase these memories. If there was a memory eraser, I would erase all this pain. If I knew what to do and could go back in time I would, to stop this from ever happening. I find myself oscillating between growing as a person and mourning of what I’ve lost. I want to be able to strengthen the growth side of me, but some days are just harder.

@tyme

Hearing you @creative_writer

Hugs.

Very heartfelt.

Hey there @creative_writer 🌺💜

Thank you xx

Im really pleased for you that things are starting to make more sense, and you can start to feel a bit more independent emotionally 🙂

Thats understandable regarding your parents not trusting the system, and I can validate that our systems aren't working well to support us with my own experiences.

I hold hope that over time, there is a shift in the sense of responsibility of others' emotions, too 🙂

I used to hold tons of responsibility for not protecting my siblings when I was incapacitated, and felt it was my fault in some way... It took a while to let go of that, even though cognitively I totally understood I wasnt at fault. I guess that is parallel to what you have described, and from that place, I understand the kind of feelings that can exist around feeling that sense of enmeshment xx

I hope you dont mind, I wanted to kindly let you know that I do gently understand what it is like 🙂

I hope you are doing ok this evening, and you can have a good weekend xx

Sounds hard, having the feeling distress is taking over, @creative_writer 💜

well, I’m not sure about it being ‘normal’ or not, however I know in my experience if there are little mitigating factors, then there isn’t much that can move me out of that space. That’s what motivated me to do so many different things (travel, hobbies, jobs, etc).
However it’s not always easy to go do those kinds of things🌺

thank you kindly 🙂🌺

hope your day is ok 💜

Things are sounding pretty overwhelming right now..Is there anything that helps bring things back to centre for you @creative_writer ? 💜