Oscillation between two mind sets

@creative_writer Yeah got some good rest - and glad that you decided to listen to your needs last night and tapped out/took the time off.

A lot of what you've expressed here really does resonate with my experiences. Mainly the way you also felt that you had to bury your emotions, and being concerned about magnifying the issues. For me, I recall deliberating (to the point of agonising) over how valid my trauma was for years. I didn't understand why I felt so horrible inside, but thought that I didn't have any reason, any excuse for feeling the way I did - so I then shamed and belittled myself for my feelings which just made everything worse. Wasn't until much later that I realised that yeah, actually, stuff like your dad saying you look like a pig IS actually traumatising!

---

@creative_writer wrote:
I mean many people move on from trauma (it’s been years and I’m safe), but I haven’t moved on. I have let it affect my entire life, it feels like a bit of an abnormal reaction on my part

---

Many may have moved on, but many others wouldn't have. No one else has lived your life, has dealt with the challenges you've faced. Who is to say that anyone else would have an easier time of it? I really doubt it.

Nah, and this is just my opinion but, I think you're responding exactly as expected considering everything you've shared about what you've been through. Our parents did the best they could, and we can make space to be understanding of that - but it doesn't mean we need to suppress or ignore the wounds they gave us. Literally saw a pic about this the other day, so I rustled it up:

All those times you had to suppress stuff, that you felt you were making a big deal over nothing? You're allowed to express it all now. Make a big deal, scream about it, get angry, get spiteful.... and let that be fuel to the fire of motivation. My two cents anyway 😉

Yeah absolutely @creative_writer there's definitely stuff I've had to work on letting go cos I realised that even though it was said in my own voice in my head, they weren't my words and I didn't actually have to hold onto them.

Wow, yeah your parents arguing is bound to leave a mark. Listening to that, and having heard that across the course of your life, is modelling to you that relationships are tumultuous and difficult, and require one to suppress everything until it explodes out of you.

Letting it out slow is also valid! We all gotta do stuff at our own pace 😉

When you say you're afraid of your emotions, what are you referring to? Like afraid of how intense they'll feel, or maybe like afraid of how they might impact others?

Ahh geez the evening has flown by - I'm about to head off for tonight. Hope you get a good rest, and I will catch you/reply to you tomoz 💜

Good night @Jynx 😊

Sending you lots of understanding hugs my friend 🧡 @creative_writer

@JynxI feel like our self talk is often very heavily influenced by our childhood. I never really recognised how my upbringing was traumatic until I became an adult. Some types of traumas are not easily to recognise.

I have always grown up hearing my parents argue, I sort of just accepted it as a normal thing since all parents argue. I’ve learn that maybe not all parent arguments are this tumultuous though. My parents told me when I was younger I actually asked them whether they were getting “divorced”. I don’t remember the context or asking it. Though I have observed their relationship over time and I have come up with an idea of what I want my relationship with in laws to look like. I don’t tolerate people seeping past my boundaries, I feel like there is some beauty in having boundaries and privacy. How I will set those boundaries, I do not know. I guess I’ll worry about it when the time comes.

I guess I’m afraid of becoming so overwhelmed that I’m struggling to get through the day. I may not have SI now, but I can’t say it won’t return.

Will talk to you tomorrow, I hope you sleep well 💖. I’ve just taken my meds, so will be going to bed in an hour or so.

@Shaz51💖🫂

Hey there @creative_writer ☺️🌺

thank you for having me here with you, where your story is 💜🙂🫂

it’s a privilege ☺️

I haven’t had too much opportunity to flow back through the pages just yet, however if there are any particular things you’d feel comfortable to share with me so I can chat with care, please feel free to do so 🙂🌺💜

I will also kindly say that you don’t have to worry about anything being a topic of sensitivity in terms of how it may land with me: I am really resilient 🙂

I’ll also hold space as best I can, and without any judgement sweetness 💜🙂🌺